March 8, 2009 10:16 PM
Daughter lacks confidence - mother needs advice
Readers, while I can think of some things off the top of my head - more special one-on-one, more household chores (because we get our sense of worth from work) - I have a feeling that a mom who's actually had experience with this herself might have more specific advice and ideas.Hi Barbara. I have bought several of your books and love them!! You came to mind when trying to figure out how to help empower my 4 yr old daughter.She was diagnosed with speech dispraxia at 1.5yrs old and we went through therapy until she was caught up to her age level.She is PAINFULLY shy and has very low self confidence. My kids are homeschooled (6yrs, 4yrs, 2yrs, and 2months). If someone she doesn't know very well teases her or tries to hug her, she ends up sobbing in a corner, curled up on a ball. We have a large extended family and we never force her to be affectionate.We are around lots of children and she interacts with the children great.Any suggestions?? Books, advice??? I am struggling and as a mother it breaks my heart! We always encourage her and are very supportive. I know she needs something else and it is my job to figure out what that is.Thank you,
Linsey
Linsey, my only caution would be not to begin to feed this situation by worrying. I mean, I know you're worried and you want to find some ideas for helping your daughter out of this situation, but sometimes when kids sense they are getting a lot of attention for certain behavior, the behavior is reinforced and becomes more difficult to get them out of. This is just a possibility to keep in mind as you gather advice and pray for God's wisdom in handling the situation.
Don't forget to pray!!
And readers, do you have some words of wisdom to share?
Posted in Mothering, Preschoolers | Permalink
Comments
I don't have a shy 4 year old, but I can tell you that God used Psalm 139 to help me with my own insecurities about myself. It's a wonderful psalm where David is praising God for how he has been "fearfully and wonderfully made". In it, David recounts how intimately knowledgable God is with us and that He made us and formed us in our mother's "tummy"(that's how I put it for my own 4 year old!). Get a child's Bible and go over this with her. She is a magnificent work of God!!! And yes, pray, just like Barbara said. Apart from God we can do nothing, but with God ALL things are possible!! I will pray for you and your daughter.
Posted by: Libby | March 9, 2009 10:01 AM
Lindsey,
I have the opposite problem that you have. My 4-year-old son NEVER stops talking. He is our social butterfly. We have to correct him when he tells strangers our personal family business. I understand that he has a bubbly and outgoing personality. I am trying to teach him when, where, and how to use his tongue. The Bible is not silent. God addresses every issue that our children or we may be going through. With my son, I use scripture about self-control and taming the tongue. It is never too early to begin doing Bible studies or word studies with your children with whatever they are struggling with. Memorize scripture together and PRAY with her about her lack of confidence. Give her safe opportunities to build her confidence. Remember that our confidence needs to be in the Lord. True self-worth comes from God! I think it is never too early to learn that one!
Katie
Posted by: Katie | March 9, 2009 10:46 AM
I can only speak from my experience with my own kids who were shy in groups and with adults. For us, the biggest thing that helped was simply time - by the time they were 6, they were much more confident and self assured. They were able to face going to swimming lessons, talking to family (better than before - they are not super outgoing but able to get along socially with adults and with kids)
It was very worrisome for us with our oldest, somewhat with our next child, and for our third, we've decided not to worry until he's 5 and not showing any signs of overcoming his shyness.
So, that's not very helpful, but hopefully somewhat reassuring!
L.
Posted by: Leanne | March 9, 2009 10:57 AM
My daughter was diagnosed with dysphasia (speech disorder) at 5 and now she is a happy, outgoing 11 year old. She was immature for her age and is still sensitive and innocent in many respects, but she has made great leaps in terms of social development. We have sent her to a regular school with a few hours of special ed outside the classroom.
Her confidence comes from us, her family because we adore her and always remind her of the progress she has made. We never compare her to other kids but always encourage her. Also, I take her with me to the supermarket and she talks to the the checkout girls, etc.
Children change so much. Our breakthrough came when we changed schools. Because the children in the new school did not know her, she was able to make a new start and that gave her loads of self confidence.
Do not worry. God has a way of helping these situations. I call her my little miracle.
Posted by: Mary | March 9, 2009 11:00 AM
Dear Linsey,
I agree with Barbara. Please don't worry!! When our oldest was four, she didn't visit with anyone other than my husband, my parents, and me. (She didn't even begin speaking until she was four. She was never diagnosed with a speech disorder, simply because I didn't want a label on her for something that with time and effort could mostly be corrected. But know that I think we were the only ones who knew what she said!) A lot of people were telling us that we needed to get her out with other people more. However, the times we did that made her more uncomfortable, and she would retreat into her shell.
Then someone suggested we just let her be. If she wanted to just be with us, fine. We took her out of preschool choir at our church and didn't force her to go to VBS. Birthday parties were only for when she really wanted to go, which was rarely ever! Our parents thought we were doing the wrong thing, but it actually seemed very right. If she was so painfully shy, why did I need to make it worse by pushing her away from me to activities and other people she did not know or feel comfortable around.
Today, she is a vibrant 7.5 year old. She has blossomed into quite the social butterfly. She loves to sit and visit with adults and get giggle and squeal with all the other girls in her Sunday School class. We homeschool her, but it has not hurt her socially at all. We like to think it was one of the ways that helped her. She was safe to be herself with us, those who loved her and cherished her because she existed. You should she her confidently walk to her own Sunday School class by herself now! The change is night and day! Her vocabulary has increased leaps and bounds! When she answers the phone, everyone can understand her words! We praise God for His mercies and wisdom!
Be patient with your little one. I don't know if what we did will be best for your precious one, but it worked wonderfully for ours.
In Christ,
Sara, OK
Posted by: Sara | March 10, 2009 3:21 AM
