April 20, 2009 7:25 AM
Mother's Day - letting God prepare us
Mother's Day is coming, and I want to focus on that for the next few weeks - with many entries I hope will uplift and encourage you, including a contest with some very special personal prizes.
But I'd like to start by encouraging you to open your hearts to anything God might do to heal the broken places. Remember, Jesus came to set the captives free - but we have to ask Him and be willing to receive the healing. Wherever I go, I run into beautiful young mothers who have problems with their own mothers or beautiful grandmothers who have problems with their daughters.
How this must grieve our Heavenly Father, who created us to love, serve and glorify Him - and to be his witness on earth!
Those who've been reading here for a while know that I have a daughter who hasn't spoken to me or anyone else in our family (except one brother who has work ties to her husband) for over two and a half years. Her children are also cut off from relationship with grandparents, aunt, uncles and cousins. We have a grandchild we've never met.
My belief is that at least some good may come of this if I share the things God has taught me since I began dealing with the deep rejection that comes when an adult child abandons the relationship. Because there are many Christian families in the same boat - some struggling with feelings of shame and isolation - it may help to know that there are others around you who may look together every Sunday morning, but who are dealing with such hurts.
Also, since I am in a position of teaching other mothers, I would feel like a hypocrite if I pretended that my life is perfect.
One thing God has taught me is to love in spite of the rejection. For someone who coped with childhood abandonment issues by developing a hard shell and anger, that's major! But God is in the business of healing.
He's also in the business of helping us become increasingly aware and honest about the sin in our own lives. And so I know that I am responsible for this situation because I set a bad example for my daughter when she was growing up. For many years, I cut my own mother out of my life and denied my children a relationship with their grandmother, feeling justified because of her shortcomings and failures (my mother was not a Christian and involved in serious sinful activity until the day she died).
Since I was a Christian and trying to be a good mom and since I was quick to apologize when I did wrong, I never foresaw this happening to me.
And yet it did. The simple fact is that no matter how righteously we live our lives, our children will do as we do (which is why parents are urged to let their children see them read, use their seatbelts, wait for the green light, etc). No matter how justified we feel in cutting off our mothers, we will have to face judgment for that at some point. Believe me, I have bowed before God acknowledging my mistake - which I might not have ever realized had it not happened to me.
God uses all things for good. So I am grateful that I had this experience to teach me how wrong I was about my own mother. While I didn't realize it before she died, I have realized it before I died. And I have apologized to my kids for robbing them of a relationship with their grandmother because making a decision based on my own comfort was selfishness, plain and simple.
Still, the sin plays out among the generations to come as siblings and cousins have been greatly harmed - and where God intended and has provided the opportunity for rich relationship there is none.
I know that my own journey as a mom has been humbling. My heart has been softened and I've developed more compassion. If my mom were alive, I would go to her now and apologize for how I wronged her. But she's not and I can't.
What I can do is share my own mistakes and what I've learned so that others might not be denied the rich relationship God desires for them.
In the hopes that some of you might need/be willing to work on your own mother/daughter relationship, I will be re-running some previous posts this week - with the idea that perhaps this Mothers Day, some of you might be moved to do something really special and meaningful to let your own mother off the hook.
Teach your children to honor their grandparents. What most of us don't realize when we are young mothers, is that if we want our grandchildren to honor us someday we need to set that example for our children NOW.
Let's prepare for Mother's Day by asking God to show us how to celebrate His presence more deeply in our families:
No matter how much it hurts to come face to face with our own failings, God wants to reveal them so He can replace our weakness with his strength. Pray - and be open to anything He may show you. May God bless you as we prepare for Mother's Day!
Posted in Inspiration, Mother's Day, Mothering | Permalink
Comments
Thanks so much for this post, Barbara. I have been dealing with bad feelings and anger toward my mom. I was telling my husband just this weekend that I wish I could write her out of my life and forget how she hurt me (and unfortunately continues to hurt me). I look forward to reading more posts as I work and pray for healing and try not to let my feelings get in the way of God's will for our lives. Again, thank you !
Posted by: dee | April 20, 2009 9:15 AM
Thank you, I have been angry with my mother in law since she insulted me before I married my husband. I still try to be civil when I am forced to see her but since I make no real effort to communicate with her and she lives 2000 miles away that is not often. God has been speaking to me for the past few years to be gracious and kinder and I have made some feeble attempts but its hard to get past years of disinterest and subtle put downs. Your thoughts today have tugged at my heart.
Posted by: Joy | April 20, 2009 9:28 AM
Barbara, thank you for being so real. You really spoke to me today.
Posted by: Sue | April 20, 2009 9:35 AM
Your post tugged at my heart, too. I am not estranged from my mom, but more distant than I would like to be. I know I have erected self-protective walls between us. I'm open to God's healing and grateful when he speaks through a trusted friend such as you. May you be richly blessed as you serve God by teaching His daughters to reconcile.
Posted by: Elizabeth M Thompson | April 20, 2009 4:26 PM
I have a wonderful relationship with my mother, but have struggled for a long time with my in-laws. Honestly, I really really long for a good relationship with them, but it's very hard.
Part of the problem is that they don't seem to be able to treat us like adults even though my husband is very successful and we've been happily married for 13 years. I could understand their difficulty in "letting go" when we were newlyweds, but I thought it would improve in time.
Related to the problem of not realising we are adults is the constant unasked for advice combined with making assumptions and inaccurate judgements about our family that are truly hurtful.
The other issue is that they both claim to be Christians, and yet often advocate unBiblical values and morals. Most recently there was an issue around sex education.
I started a family-only blog about our daily life to help them understand us better (they live on the other side of the country). My husband and I strive to not let the children see the tension, or interfere with their relationship with their grandparents. We're praying. But I'm stressed about an upcoming visit to the point that sometimes I feel sick to my stomach.
Any advice/wisdom from you or your readers would mean a lot to me. I was close to giving up last week but I know that's not an option.
Posted by: Amy | April 20, 2009 4:42 PM
I encourage your readers to listen carefully to what you wrote in this post. Your situation is much more common than most people realize. More than twenty years ago my father physically attacked by a friend of his older brother's wife. There was a trial and my uncle testified against my father. My father disowned him completely. About five years ago my own brother, thirteen months younger, decided that he remembered something from when he was eleven, for which he believes I was responsible. My memory holds no such event. I have not seen or been in contact with my brother since that recollection. I have a nephew I've only met twice, who would not know me. I've never met his younger sister. When our father spoke to him about when the relationship might be repaired, Pop was told that he didn't speak to his own brother for twenty years, so that seemed like a good measuring stick to my brother. A couple of years ago my ailing uncle died. It has been mentioned that I should not expect to hear from my brother again as long as I live. My brother and his wife currently only speak to my father, almost never to my mother, including contact between her and her grandchildren.
That is the background from which I read your post. Here is the reality, as I see it, as a believer in Christ as Savior. If I live to be one hundred year old, I will have been robbed of my only brother for nearly seventy years. There have been a few rare mentions of my brother and his family attending church. If my brother and his family were to find themselves in a Biblically strong church and begin to listen to, apply, and change according to God's Word, then I have the promise that I will have my brother, in his truest form, for all of eternity. That is the hope I present to you and all of your readers. Faith and prayer have no time limits. Thank you again for your post.
Posted by: JeD | April 21, 2009 2:25 PM
Thank you for being so transparent and for the exhortation. You really solidified to me the consequences of writing off difficult people from our family's life. It is so tempting, but you're right, it's selfish. Thanks for the timely reminder.
Posted by: MrsD | April 21, 2009 2:43 PM
I own a company called unbrokenheart. It is a sterling silver broken heart, mended with gold. Mothers Day is the most difficult day of all for me as an owner of this company. So many people order unbrokenhearts, unmended, because they have lost a child....and they say it will never be mended. I have started directing them to your site, because I think you can offer them hope. You have great wisdom and strength and compassion to offer, and i am very glad I have found your site. My company only offers a symbol of hope, your site and your words and guidance have so much more to offer them.
Thank you,
Catherine Bonner
www.unbrokenheart.com
Posted by: Catherine Bonner | April 30, 2009 12:47 PM
