May 29, 2009 9:40 AM
Today's moms - under pressure
This is a rerun from March 2008 - because I think it contains a message you need to hear now and again:
I had a meeting last week with some homeschool advocates to brainstorm ideas for a pamphlet they are doing for preschool moms. I was invited to participate because of my books - including Mommy, Teach Me! and Mommy, Teach Me to Read! - which are based on encouraging, empowering and equipping moms to make the most of the preschool years using knowledge and strategies I learned as a Montessori teacher.We began by talking about mothers today, what it's like to be starting motherhood in the new millennium. I found myself talking about the cultural pressures you all face and the pervasive undercutting of your unique place in the life of the child - your essential and irreplaceable value.
I had my first child in 1969, my ninth birth child in 1994 (I've adopted three since). I've been writing books and articles for young moms since 1996 - and almost daily since I started this blog three years ago. I've been busy writing so much that as I talked I realized that though I'd been invited to share my knowledge, God also wanted to give me a fresh look. Because as I began to focus on the issues facing moms today, I realized how much oppression there is in today's society, which works in so many ways to convince you beyond all doubt that "No, You Can't" instead of "Yes, You Can!"
We all owe a debt of gratitude to the second wave of feminism for hardware issues like equal pay for equal work, as well as for opening the doors wider to higher education and professional careers. But where we charter Ms. subscribers lost our way was the software - leading our culture to trash motherhood rather than putting it back on the pedestal where it belonged.
You see, the poet who wrote The Hand that Rocks the Cradle Rules the World had it absolutely right. Mothers wield the greatest and most eternally significant power in the universe. But you sure wouldn't know that today.
You and I might catch glimpses of it because we look around and see the wise women sharing their thoughts today over the backfence of the blogosphere: Amy of Humble Musings, Meredith of Like Merchant Ships - and so many more I don't have time to list but you can mention in the comments. See my Moms help moms through blogs - from the Christian Science Monitor.
These women are giving back to their readers the assurance that we all have intelligence and that our small everyday decisions as we raise our children matter more than our mothers ever dreamed - not because if we do the wrong thing our kids will be forever psychically scarred but because if we do the right thing we are part of the legacy-building that has the potential to reverberate through future generations.
But this message of encouragement and empowerment is not the norm today.
Instead, mothers are battered with putdowns for choosing the calling of the home. Mothers who've chosen to raise large families - and who consequently have the responsibility/honor of maximizing their influence potential - deal with constant insensitive and belittling remarks. If they don't already hold themselves to a higher standard, they find that others do - as their families are scrutinized for the slightest sign of failure.
In our intensely consumeristic society, mothers are the targets of a constant ad campaign that depends on our feeling inadequate: only if we buy this detergent or this face cream or this carpet cleaner or these toddler gymnastic sessions or this vacation or these parenting books could we possibly maybe make the grade.
In a consumer culture, everyone has to feel inadequate - that's true. But since wives and mothers are usually the purchasing agents, we are the target far more frequently - and about relatively inconsequential things.
But it's not just in that realm that the damage is done. This pervasive anxiety just kind of Rototills the ground for the seeds of discontent which are planted by professionals - professionals who in their hearts believe that they know better than mom what's good for her kids.
If you are fortunate - as I am - you have a pediatrician who respects motherhood and the unique wisdom moms possess. But no matter how wonderful your pediatrician, he or she will pepper you at each annual check-up with a list of intrusive mandated questions that make it seem as though children simply couldn't make it through their childhood in one piece without the intervention of our government.
Then there is the education system.
*sigh*
What to say about a system with the potential to do so much good which unfortunately hasn't been content to simply teach academics but has through the years grown like a multi-headed hydra to take on more and more responsibility for all kinds of stuff outside the curriculum even as its effectiveness in teaching the core curriculum declines?
It's not that I don't like the school system. I do. But I hate their belittling of the importance and wisdom and experience of parents - to the point of resisting homeschool as a respectable choice. My goodness, in a nation where in the name of choice you can kill your unborn kids, how can American educators think that parents should surrender the right to educate them?
And now they want to educate them earlier. Many states are pressing toward government preschool. When I last checked 17 states were considering making government preschool mandatory. What an effective way to get hold of those minds at an earlier, more malleable stage, break the trusting bond with mom and dad, and get them on the bandwagon to being good citizens - however that is defined by the government.
I hear from many moms who are anguishing about the preschool decision. They and their little ones are the only ones home on the cul-de-sac during the day. Their mother-in-law or mother or both are urging them to put the kids in preschool "so they don't fall behind."
These moms grew up during the have-it-all heyday, thinking they would have careers and babies too. No one was really clear on how it would or would not come together.
Some left careers to stay home. But they lack the confidence and vision they might have had had they grown up to aspire to the challenge of the role of motherhood.
With so much confusing input and so much pressure, it's no wonder that even women with degrees in education find themselves enrolling their kids in preschool.
But now I'm back into familiar territory - territory I wrote about briefly in the Intro to the MTM books. Briefly because my main mission wasn't to decry the sad state of affairs, but to - yep, here it is again - encourage, empower and equip moms who love their children and need someone to say "Hey, it's okay. And you know what? It's better than okay. Because the worst day with mom is better than the best day with a woman who your child will fall in love with but who will only be his teacher for a year.."
How much better to rest assured that in spending time, your children will be always and ever falling in love with you. That the more early years you spend together, the stronger your bond will be later on.
Some of this is stuff I've written before, but I wanted to let you know that because of that brainstorming session last week I have been reminded in a new and poignant way that you all actually have it even harder than I did bringing up kids in the 70s, 80s and 90s. Yes, I'm still bringing some up now, but with all those years of motherhood behind me I have a strong enough sense of who I am that these more modern discouraging forces don't impact me the same way they would a new mom. As I put myself in your place last week, I really felt sad to be part of the generation who is passing on to you a world that still doesn't get it about motherhood.
If I have one message for you here, it's this:
Even if everyone and everything around you seems to be saying "No, You Can't" - Momma C says "Yes, Yes, Yes, You Can!"
And I always will.
Posted in Inspiration, Mothering | Permalink
Comments
Thank you for this reminder. It is very timely since I'm preparing for my MIL, the former teacher, to visit. She isn't fond of homeschooling and will at some point quiz my 6 yo. I'm sure she'll be completely horrified that she isn't reading fluently yet.
I'm also glad I'm not the only one who finds pediatricians intrusive. I actually had made an appointment with a new Dr. when we moved, but after I saw her new patient form, I canceled. This line of questioning was the most invasive I had encountered and I refused to answer.
SAFETY/ENVIRONMENT
Do you live in a: (please circle)
Private home Apartment
Mobile home Other: ______
Day Care? ______________ Sitter? _____________
Do you know the hottest temperature of the water in
your pipes? Y N
Is there a working smoke alarm on each floor in the
house? Y N
Does your child always use a car seat/seat belt when
riding in the care? Y N
Are there any smokers in the household? Y N
Are there any problems with the condition of your
home (peeling paint, insects, rats or mice)? Y N
Does your child always wear a helmet when riding
his/her bicycle or rollerblading? Y N
I'm mean really, what business of her's is it whether a family lives in a sfh, apartment or mobile home. I found that one extremely offensive.
Thank you Barbara, you keep me motivated to stand up!!!
Posted by: Bethany | May 29, 2009 10:23 AM
My son is approaching middle school, and suddenly I'm not welcome in the school building. It's obvious the staff don't have much respect for my input. They think talking to the grade school teacher and a form I fill out with our son's leisure activities and preferences is all they need to teach a nonverbal child.
It's insulting how little regard they have for my input.
Posted by: Julana | May 29, 2009 3:05 PM
You should imagine the school's surprise when I told them my oldest was gifted... they mocked me. Then felt embarrassed as they sent home a certificate congratulating my daughter for scoring an Excellent on the state exams when she'd only been in the school a month. Gee... wonder who was teaching her! (I homeschooled her up till this past January-- we're going back to homeschooling in the fall)
My brother and his wife are teachers. God Bless them, they're good teachers but I get tired of people comparing my teaching style to theirs. I get tired of hearing how my military lifestyle, pregnant with #5, deployment coming up and homeschooling and I "won't be able to handle it all, it'll be too hard."
There are so many people that just utterly fail to realize (or just refuse to realize) that they need to TRUST women. We have instincts for a reason. Giving birth is now medically controlled, schooling must be done at schools, heck... even "playing" must be done in a controlled environment. No wonder no one trusts their God given instincts anymore.
I'm thankful I have a defiant streak, but even I get beaten down after awhile. So thanks for the encouraging words. It's great to read them today!
Posted by: Dirtdartwife | May 29, 2009 4:47 PM
Thank you for this post. One of my sons has autism and his little brother is being assessed for behaviour and social problems. We have to tolerate a lot of the attitudes from professionals that you mentioned. The opinion seems to be that the experts are doing a brilliant job with such difficult children to work with, but us hopeless parents (who do not have years of special needs training!!) are just wrong, wrong, wrong. It makes a hard situation even harder.
Posted by: Sue T | May 29, 2009 5:43 PM
Thanks for this post, Momma C :)
By the way, after reading this post and Bethany's comment, I am even more grateful than usual for our pediatrician. He is knowledgeable, compassionate, and respectful of families' privacy and mothers' instincts. He defers to others (like my lactation consultant, for example) when he knows less about a subject than they do. His office is way across town, but SO worth the drive every time. I had no idea that some docs were so terribly intrusive.
Posted by: Marisa | May 29, 2009 9:11 PM
Thank you. I just had an intrusive pediatrician experience. My son saw a new NP at his endocrine clinic and she was very...insistent...about preschool.
I told her I stayed home with our children and she asked, again, if we'd thought about preschool.
We said that our son is doing very well at home and we haven't seen the need for it.
Her response was that it would be better for his social developement. We said we'd think about it to get off the subject, but she continued on for several more minutes.
It was uncomfortable to say the least.
Posted by: Lauren | May 30, 2009 9:54 AM
