June 27, 2009 2:03 PM
Afraid of having more children? Advice, please.
Hi Barbara,
Just read your post on large families. It's beautiful and I completely agree; in theory. My difficulty is that ever since the birth of my 5th (first son) in October I am, frankly, terrified of conceiving again. I feel overwhelmed and inadequate. Probably I just need to pray more but if you have any advice, encouragement or book recommendations, I'd be most interested. I love my children dearly; I'm just afraid of being overwhelmed forever.
I promised I'd run this to hear your counsel and encouragement. Anyone else ever feel this way? How did you work through it?
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Comments
I think any mom feels that way...I'm 7 weeks from due with my 5th and seriously want to lose my mind some days...I'm so hormonal!!
I think it's especially tough if your kids are all young. I'm getting to the stage where I can see the joy in older children helping (my oldest will be 7 in august).
I don't have any book recommendations...other than the Bible =)
My best advice is to organize and prioritize. Are there activities you can cut out? Housework can seem overwhelming, but a weekly schedule might help. Flexibility is important.
Pray pray pray!!
My last piece of advice is to be careful in where you seek your counsel. Obviously Barbara is a fabulous source...but you must be careful not to let the world's idea of wife/mother hood infest you. The world sees mother hood as something rather inconvenient...but if you're going to do it, you'd better be perfect. Not so. The Word says we ARE inadequate. That's why we must come to Him daily and seek His strength.
I hope that helped.
Posted by: Sandy | June 27, 2009 3:07 PM
I also think it's normal to feel that way. We all have our days and times of feeling far less than perfect, and those days where our children and life can overwhelm us.
That said, I also think it's important to keep our own strengths and limitations in mind. Large families are a wonderful blessing, but not all of us are necessarily cut out to be mothers to a large brood. If you feel overwhelmed with 5, there's no rule that says you must have more. Pray, seek wisdom from other women of God, discuss with your husband... know that it's not a contest or test of your faith- there are no "points" for having 2, 5, or 12 kids. What is important is to be open to life, and to treasure the lives that are given to you.
Posted by: mamarachel | June 27, 2009 3:33 PM
Focus on taking care of the children you have. Ask God for wisdom and help. Don't feel guilty about not "wanting" another one. Of course sometimes we have surprise children! In which case ask the Lord for strength and trust Him to provide that. Make your needs and feelings known to your husband and trusted others.
Posted by: Marie | June 27, 2009 4:29 PM
Maybe a little birth control while you pray through this... Sometimes we need time just to stop and pray through things...Pray through this with your husband, as he is the ultimate decision maker...After reading Barbara's blog for some time, and several other resources including " Lies Women Believe" by Nancy Leigh Demoss ( where she talks about family size) and the book I am currently working on " The way home" by Mary Pride ( from 1985) I have slowly come to see that the world is full of lies about children. High tech birth control ( another interesting topic) is somewhat new. Legalized abortion came right on the heels of " strong birth control". The desire for smaller families is also new. Slowly, over time, I have lost my thoughts of : " I must be CRAZY!" everytime I want another child. Now I know I must be " Normal"! The ultimate decision, though, rests with a husband, and this is/has been my dilema with the last 2 of my 4 children. I want more, my husband says no, but takes time to think and pray about it. Last time it took him a long long time to make up his mind, and I had to take it to the Lord in prayer daily to keep my sanity and not nag him...That is where I am at again...Praying and trying my best not to nag, and to be respectful of my wonderful husband. It's the same with you. Ask your DH what he wants, and pray through it together...and mostly just trust God...
Posted by: L | June 27, 2009 5:09 PM
Barbara, I was going to wait until I'd actually finished reading it myself to officially review it and mention it to you, but this seems an appropriate time. My blog friend Mary Ostyn (blog: Owlhaven), whom I've known via internet since we were both in the process of adopting through the same agency 5 years ago, is a mom of 10 who has released a new book this year entitled Sane Women's Guide to Raising a Large Family, A. It's written with warmth, humility, love and that common sense style of hers that simply equips and encourages, while being real about the practical challenges. Along with Barbara's wisdom here, I really encourage you to check it out at Amazon (the "Look inside" previews for the book are quite generous. )It may be just the right shot in the arm to continue on with new vigor. =)
Posted by: Marian | June 27, 2009 7:35 PM
I'm wondering if this might not be post-partum depression, wearing a sneaky face. Not all of it presents as suicidal-and-right-after-the-birth. A sound and wise Christian counselor can make an enormous difference!
Posted by: Salome Ellen | June 28, 2009 7:34 AM
Reading Life-giving Love by Kimberly Hahn and prayer - alone and with my husband. Consciously seeking the will of God. My fear of having another baby was replaced by loving acceptance of God's will for my life - with happiness and joy. And it wasn't me - it was all God.
I don't know how long it would have taken "me" to change "my" mind. God helped me to do it in his time, rather than mine. I was so happy when we decided to have another one. The book is great. She has practical suggestions as well as a great mindset. Plus, God will never overwhelm us forever, although it feels like it. The olders get bigger and will help, even if not in the way you planned them to. Having lots of littles is hard, but what a way to draw ourselves closer to God - transformed by sacrifice. Not easy, never easy, no matter the road, vocation, or sacrifice. "Let the little children come to me." (Even if it mean being spitup on - constantly, diapers in every room of the house, and feeling like my house has been overrun by goblins without manners.) I think finding great examples of people who make it work helps too - in real life and in reading blogs. You are not alone.
Posted by: Meg | June 28, 2009 8:35 AM
Thank you for this. I checked out the Mary Olstyn book and have it in my amazon cart for our next order. This is so timely. My heart is currently wavering from fearfully open to stubbornly closed, and I feel Him tugging on me, and hubby is checking out the Big V, and I'm telling him maybe to wait, but I can't back up "why" when, ah... *sigh*...when some days are just such ugly mom days with a lot of tears (from me and the kids, mostly them crying because of me)...and how do you work through the fears of more, when you're military and you don't have the option to have family to "help," and your husband goes on deployments for months on end, and some days, even when he's here, you just feel alone?
Kristy in Germany
Posted by: Kristy in Germany | June 28, 2009 12:24 PM
Barbara- Do you have any insights as to what it's like to have both older and younger children, versus just having a LOT of little kids? I read the Duggar book, and she admitted that she cried a lot when she had a lot of little ones. These days, their family is doing great with lots of older children ( joyfully) helping the younger... but from what I gathered, the early years were hard...I think this might be what drives many families to get the big " V" and move on...
[Lisa, that's a really good insight. It is hard when they're all little, but moms need to understand that if they raise their children well in those early years, they will have a great team eventually :)]
Posted by: Lisa | June 28, 2009 1:25 PM
I don't think having a family needs to be a race, to be honest with you. If you are terrified of having another baby right now, that means you are probably overwhelmed right now. You are 9 months post partum--you might have post-partum depression or anxiety. It can strike up to 12 months after the birth. Please google about those to see if that might ring a bell for you.
If not, you might just be overwhelmed with the demands of your existing family. Is there a reason you couldn't use Natural Family Planning to postpone your next pregnancy for a while? What does your husband think? Is he pressuring you to become pregnant when you are still likely nursing a little one? Your body may need a break to recoup its nutritional losses from 5 babies. I think it's okay to take a step back, use NFP to postpone (it can be used when breastfeeding, too), pray, take stock, discuss with your husband, perhaps seek the advice of your pastor or older, Christian women you respect.
God does not call all of us to have the same number of children. It's okay to take the time required to prayerfully discern His will.
(In my case, I have a son with Asperger's syndrome, and then 2 girls (6 yr old boy, 3.5 yr old girl, 1.5 year old gir). I got severe postpartum anxiety and depression after my third, despite natural birthing in a birth center and ecological breastfeeding and no drugs during pregnancy and delivery, and excellent diet, and vitamin and omega-3 oil supplements. I was shocked by it, and it ran me into the ground before I admitted I needed help. PPA/D stole the joy from nearly the whole first year of my baby's life, and I bitterly regret not seeking help sooner to this day. I couldn't enjoy her. Looking at her infant pictures brings me so much pain in seeing what I missed, even though I was right there, day in and day out. I was there, but I wasn't there.
My midwife and several mental health professionals told me that I would be 85% likely to have a relapse if I became pregnant again, and like you, the thought terrifies me. After much prayer, my husband and I have decided we will not attempt to have a fourth. We are using NFP to postpone, which leaves us the option later to have a baby if that is what we feel called to do. Right now, we both strongly feel that the commandments in the Bible to raise your children according to God's way and lead them to the path of righteousness will not be doable for our high-needs son, and our girls, if we add another to the mix, and add in a debilitated mother, so we are postponing indefinitely.)
Posted by: Jill (colicmommy) | June 28, 2009 2:11 PM
How are your little ones sleeping? How are YOU sleeping? My third baby was born this past October, and for the third time I find myself in the dark, dark fog of painful sleep deprivation. I am now acutely aware of how lack of sleep casts a pall over my life, making me feel overwhelmed, inadequate, and irritable. The thought of going through this a fourth time is scary. That is my biggest hurdle in considering a fourth child: what if this happens again? What would I do? My husband is reticent, too; he sees a variety of reasons to stop at 3, but I think his outlook is being colored by severe sleep deprivation in ways he doesn't even realize.
Are you perhaps going through something similar? Has anyone else here experienced a series of bad sleepers (for lack of a better term)? How did you handle it? How did it influence your choice to have another child?
I'm sorry I can't offer more helpful advice. Just know that you are not alone, and perhaps consider that a lack of sleep may be contributing to how you feel. If I discover any sleep solutions I'll be sure to share. And if anyone else has suggestions, I'm all ears.
Posted by: Marisa | June 28, 2009 9:03 PM
