June 19, 2009 9:35 AM
Dads, Who Needs Them?
I have three columns running this Father's Day. Though the Crosswalk piece and the one in my local paper start with the same lead, they travel down different paths - one of the fun parts of writing for different audiences and with different word lengths:
At Crosswalk.com:
Here's to You, Faithful Fathers
Barbara Curtis, Crosswalk.com Contributor
I remember the day my dad left. He hugged me and cried, but even deep in his last embrace, I felt a chill gathering round me, whispering to my little girl's heart:What would it be like not to have a father?
The years to come provided harsh answers. Mine was not a carefree childhood. Shuffled with two brothers between foster homes and relatives and - when things worked out - my overwhelmed mother, I saw innocence give way early to a cynic's worldview: Don't depend on anyone and no one will disappoint you.
Ask the fatherless, they'll probably agree that the loss and defenses don't end when you grow up. Beneath the glossy, too-tight scar tissue lies too much tenderness.
Now 40-some years later, way too many share the same scars as a million kids suffer the pain of their parents' divorce annually. Every night one quarter of our country's children go to bed without a dad.
And while conventional wisdom may deem it better to go to bed without a dad than to listen to squabbling parents, those who've been there tend to see it differently.
Read entire article here.
From my biweekly column in the Purcellville Gazette:
Close to Home
Dads: Who Needs Them?
By Barbara CurtisI remember the day my dad left. I was five years old and I knew my world was coming undone. What would it be like to grow up without my father?
The years to come provided harsh answers to that question. Mine was not a carefree childhood. Despite the rosy picture painted in the media and diversity courses, growing up fatherless is just about the worst thing that can happen to a child.
If you don't believe me, check the statistics. Children from fatherless homes are five times more likely to commit suicide, 32 times more likely to run away, 20 times more likely to end up in prison, and 73 percent more likely to be fatally abused.
A far cry from the media's carefully-selected stories of moms doing fine without dads. For each of these wonder women there are hundreds of mortal moms slogging through the daily grind of raising kids alone and wishing it were different. My own mom saw her oldest son go to reform school at 17 and the next drop out of high school in his sophomore year. I remember how hard she worked and how little she smiled. No doubt about it, things would have been better if my dad had stuck around.
I was a single mom myself for five years before I married Tripp. Now, after 21 years of seeing the benefits of an involved and caring father, I'm inclined to agree with David Blankenhorn, author of Fatherless America and father of three, who writes that in a couple decades:
the principal dividing line between the haves and the have-nots will not be what color you are, what language you speak, to what religion you belong, or where you live. It will be a question of patrimony. Which of us had fathers, and, therefore, which of us received the kind of advantage in life that comes with having a father who loves you and cares about you and cares about your mother? Which half of us, of the next generation of adults, will not have had that?Of course there are kids who survive. I did. But I know I might have lived a more graceful, pleasing, and consistently productive life if struggling through my "issues" hadn't cost me and everyone around me so much time and energy.
My advice to those without a dad at home: find an intact family to spend time with. Growing up in Washington D. C., I had a best friend named Rhonda, whose dad was a beautiful black man with enough joy to fill a whole block of rowhouses like the one he'd bought for his family. When he walked through the door, everything felt better, everything felt new. Without Rhonda's family, I might never have known a man could have such a positive effect. I might have settled for less, or never settled at all.
And if you're blessed enough that you don't have to go out looking for role models, then celebrate Father's Day by thanking your dad for being there, for avoiding temptation, for keeping his priorities straight, for all the ways he's helped you become all you were meant to be, and for loving you enough to never leave.
And for my church bulletin:
A Father to the FatherlessI used to think there wasn't much to celebrate on Father's Day. Like many American kids, I never really had anyone to buy a card for. My father left when I was five - fulfilling his own dreams while turning four others into a nightmare.
Reeling from shock, my mother sent us to a foster home. But even when she brought us back, it was never much of a family again. And mom was never much of a mom, her life consumed by problems with work, problems with alcohol, problems with men.
I'm not looking for sympathy - just trying to make a point about how necessary fathers are to the family. In these days, with the media touting all lifestyles as equal - and entertainment choices belittling dads right and left - it takes a survivor to point out the lie.
The truth is that fatherlessness hurts. I grew up feeling different and "less than" - all those uncomfortable feelings we try to spare fatherless kids today. Still, I would never recommend the "cure" of teaching children that dads are optional.
God is not optional either - though my mother, in her confusion, banished Him from our home.
Just as we need an earthly father, we need our Heavenly one - in a strong and personal way. I will never forget the first time I heard that I really did have a Father! I was 38 years old, but how ready I was to believe He loved me and had a plan for my life. Of course, I wanted Him to be part of my life - a BIG part. After all I'd been through, I had no trouble understanding just how much I needed Him.
At last, I was someone's little girl!
Is it not a miracle that someone who missed an earthly father's love can be healed to receive the love of the Heavenly Father? But isn't He the Jehovah Rapha, the God who heals?
The greatest privilege of all - to call him Abba, Father, just as our children call their fathers Daddy.
I remember once before he left, my father carrying me home in his arms as blood gushed from a jagged cut on my foot. I was four and frightened, hoping that my father could fix me. But though that day he bound and stopped the bleeding, no earthly father could have healed the wounded heart he later left behind.
That hurt cried out for the love of a Heavenly Father. And no matter the days added to my life, the wrinkles to my face, the gray hairs to my head, I will always be His grateful little girl.
"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!" 1John 3:1
Posted in Fathers, My life | Permalink
Comments
Thanks for sharing that so beautifully. It touched my heart. I was without a father during my teenage years. Then God scooped me up and carried me through and out of my mess.
Posted by: Becky | June 19, 2009 2:47 PM
And while conventional wisdom may deem it better to go to bed without a dad than to listen to squabbling parents, those who've been there tend to see it differently.
When asked, I tell people that as bad as things were when my parents were together (fighting, raging, cheating) it was dramatically worse when they split up (when I was 8).
Posted by: Catherine R. | June 19, 2009 7:25 PM
Barbara
So wonderfully written. While I have not posted anything on blog up to this point, my children and I are currently facing this kind of situation. My husband is being a good dad and showing up to spend time with his kids, however he is not here to see the anger and hurt that my kids are dealing with. Because of course when daddy is here things are okay.
It's when he leaves that so much more comes out. It becomes hard when "christian" people are telling him that yes he has a right to do what he wants.
I hope you and your husband and family have a fantastic weekend. You are very truly blessed with such a good husband and father for your kids.
Please wish him a Happy Fathers Day
Hugs
Amy
Posted by: Amy | June 20, 2009 10:02 AM
