June 23, 2009 2:18 PM
Friends divorcing: what do you say?
After years of trying to be supportive through keeping my mouth shut, I decided some time ago that a friend can be supportive by speaking up too.
Have you ever tried to intervene - asking friends to reconsider their decision to divorce? It's something to consider doing next time.
Here's something I wrote yesterday in response to some friends' impending divorce:
Dear ______-I am so sad to hear this news. Although we will always love you all no matter which path you choose, I do want to urge you to reconsider.
While I used to try to stay neutral when people announced their divorces, I've made it a practice for some time to speak up on behalf of the children - who studies show do better when two parents stay together in a bad marriage than they do with parents who divorce.
I hope you know that I am not being harsh or judgmental - just would never pass on my responsibility as a friend to speak up for something very dear to my heart.
I grew up without a father and know how that changed things for me as a woman. Raising teen boys I also can tell pretty much immediately whether a girl has a caring father or not - simply by the way they throw themselves at boys or show self-respect. There is just something fathers do for their kids that a mother cannot do.
Have you been to any Christian counseling? would you consider a marriage conference like Family Life?
I don't know about the [particulars you mentioned]. I do know that Tripp and I lost everything we had last year: our house was foreclosed and we had to declare bankruptcy to protect ourselves from an upside down balance. Tripp had the surgery which went wrong. His knee was replaced 2/10 but he had another infection/setback and is just now returning to normal because of drug toxicity issues. We are renting our home for the first time in 20some years.
This has put a lot of stress on our marriage, but in the end it is our family and our children that matter most.
All by way of saying that the things our culture teaches us are important are not important after all. What matters is what we are able to pass on to our children. While Tripp and I came from fatherless homes and had holes in our hearts which caused our marriage to be less than perfect, I have great hope that if we stick together as role models for our children that they will be able to have better marriages than we would have ever dreamed possible ourselves.______, you have no idea the heartache in years to come at weddings and births - in good times and bad - when you show up with different partners. My oldest two girls would tell you that no matter how my own personal life may have improved and how theirs look on the surface, they carry deep scars because I left their dad. No matter what, given a choice they would have had me stay.
This is not something new to me, but something I ponder each day of my life. This year I wrote three articles at Father's Day: Dads, Who Needs Them?. They might be worth reading.
I hope you know I am pleading with you as a friend and someone who cares about children. I will still care for you no matter what, but it's because I care that I would take the risk of saying anything at all.
Love and prayers to all of you,
Barbara
If only the world would stop sending the message that it's all about our personal happiness. . . . .
Posted in Marriage | Permalink
Comments
Amen! And thank you for taking that bold brave stand to speak for the children. I told my parents many years ago when I was just beginning my marriage and they were ending theirs that this decision was like a stone dropped in the ocean. The ripples would be felt for generations. They kept trying to convince me (and themselves) that this was their decision and that it shouldn't affect me. Hah! It affects my life everyday in one way or another. It affects my children. It affects everything and the scars run very deep!
Posted by: Charlotte (Matilda) | June 23, 2009 3:52 PM
My parents divorced when I was 19.
I was divorced at the age of 24 after just 3 years of marriage. I had a choice even though he filed and I walked away because I wasn't "happy."
I'm so grateful for my family now, my Godly, but completely unperfect marriage and our kids, but I wish all the time that I could go back and undo the breaking of all those promises and all those hearts (his family was devastated by my choices).
Putting the matter of having children aside, I think now when things get hard: I promised "for better or worse" - what did I think the worst was going to look like? I made a promise and nowhere in those promises was there a contingency on my husband fulfilling his first - or fulfilling his at all.
Posted by: Laura | June 23, 2009 8:54 PM
As one who is heading down this horrible path, not by choice, I wish more people would step up like this. Instead, there is alot of well you have stuck it out 17 years, you have the right to do what you want, ETC......... I am frustrated.
My parents divorced and even though my youngest brother at the time was only an infant and when he was 8 my mom remarried a wonderful man who adopted him and raised him, he still felt the rejection of the previous divorce. I wish I could get my husband to stop this awful choice he is making.
At this point I can only pray and trust God to get myself and our 6 children through.
Be Blessed
Amy
Posted by: Amy | June 23, 2009 10:07 PM
Thank God, I don't have kids. A few weeks ago, my husband of three plus years asked for a divorce; he now is going off to Europe and then plans to move to CA. I am pretty shell-shocked. That said, I find the most important things people have said to me during this process is "how can I help?" I feel as though God sent me such wonderful friends to get me through this tough time: they invite me to dinner, go to church with me, make sure that I am leaving the house, bring me food, and offer their help with logistics such as packing and selling assests. I struggle to get up every day, go to work, and be a contributing member of society; I am grateful for all the support because I could not function without it. God is truly working through them.
That said, given the emotional strain and trauma, I don't know if your words, though well meant, will be welcome. Also, we never know what is really going on behind closed doors. No one knew what was going on with my husband and me, but there are grounds for annulment according to a priest I have consulted.
Please, don't lecture or preach or judge, because your friend will shut down and you will lose him or her. He or she needs a hug or a kind word. Perhaps the best thing you can say is "How can I help?"
Posted by: Anon | June 24, 2009 1:15 AM
Hello Amy. I am so sad to read your post. I just wanted to let you know that there are people praying your whole family, even though you don't know us! I'll continue to pray that you feel the Lord's loving arms around you all holding you up throughout this time of trouble. God Bless You.
In Him,
Jill
Posted by: Jill | June 24, 2009 1:43 AM
Thanks for posting this Barbara. My grandparents divorced, remarried, my parents are getting a divorce, my husband's parents divorced and remarried several times, and we continue to feel the effects of it. It will never go away, and people need to realize that their decisions do not only affect THEM, but everyone who is a part of their life, for the rest of their lives. The majority of divorces I have witnessed have simply been the result of selfishness. It's an all about me world out there.
Posted by: Carey | June 24, 2009 10:51 AM
