July 7, 2009 7:24 AM
Toddler tantrums, power struggles, and control
Every morning I open email and deal with what I can as quickly as I can. Then there are emails with links I want to use, but since I'm posting an average of 9 times per day I hesitate to overwhelm everyone. Then there are emails from readers with specific questions about their children.
Because those require time to answer, and because the last five months - since Tripp's last surgery/infection nightmare that started February 10 - have been so demanding, I had accumulated 200+ emails in my Inbox - all requiring some sort of response. I have now whittled it down to 90 and am doing my best to get to each one.
Please don't read this as Barbara Doesn't Have Time To Read My Email. I am still committed to maintaining a personal relationship with my readers. I truly feel that is what my calling is right now - and why I ask for support for this site so I can be here every day.
Today I decided to start with the oldest of my emails and work forward. And since it's always been helpful to go beyond my own brief response, I will be sharing some emails here this week to get encouragement and advice from the accumulated wisdom of readers here.
Hi Barbara,I'm writing you because I am at the end of my rope. My 3 year old son has at least 20 tantrums a day. There is no telling what will set him off. If he can't find a yellow sock he'll have a tantrum, if he gets a drop of water on his hands he'll have a tantrum, if he wakes up from a nap...he'll have a tantrum. And of course, it goes without saying that if I say "No," he has a tantrum.
I am at the end of my rope. I thought that he would get better as he developed language, but if anything he's gotten worse. We don't allow him to have anything he screams for, try to empathize with him, calm him down, and discuss what is bothering him. He calms down relatively quickly most of the time, but I just don't know what to do about 5 min tantrums every 20 minutes. Things came to a head today because I had friends staying for the weekend and the constant tantrums were more apparent than ever. Right now I feel so drained that I honestly don't know how I'm going to face another day. I've brought up my concerns with his various doctors (he was premature and has had several surgeries and takes daily growth hormone shots so has been seen by several doctors over the course of his life) and no one seems to care enough to do anything to help. I've called the school and arranged an early childhood meeting, but something feel through the cracks and it was never made. I'm also a bit hesitant to get him involved with special ed through the school district because I don't want him to get siderailed into the special ed department if that isn't where he needs to be.
He's exceptionally bright and seems to understand educational things very instinctively. He is right at the cusp of reading, knows his colors, shapes etc...but he can not control himself. It sometimes feels like I'm raising two different children. My sweet, intelligent child and this wild, out of control child that threatens to sabotage him.
I just don't know what to do. I've literally tried every "method" to deal with a tantrum and none have had any effect. I'm asking you because I figure that because you have children with special needs, you might have a different insight on how to deal with these kids.
Thank you so much,******
When I checked back in to see if this is still a problem - since time has a way of working things out - ****** wrote:
Right now we have really cut down on the tantrums. They still happen, but not as frequently. I read the "No-Cry Discipline Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley and implemented some of her techniques. One thing that's worked really well for us is using her smiley face/sad face chart. My son will start to break down and I say "Ok, you're getting a sad face on your rule chart" and he stops in his tracks! It doesn't work 100% of the time, but it has cut them down drastically.I'd love to hear any other solutions you or your readers might have. I feel like I messed up quite a bit of his first 3 years because I was so overwhelmed with the tantrums so I'd love to figure out how to make up for lost ground. On the plus side, he's very caring and not the least bit mean spirited, he just gets incredibly frustrated. If I could just figure out how to help him better deal with frustration I think we could finally move through this rough stage completely. Of course, that seems easier said than done.
I appreciate any advice you have because I really respect your opinions.
As an aside, know that I am praying for Tripp and the rest of your family.
Thanks,
Kind of related - from another reader around the same time (February):
Hi Barbara,First of all, thank you so much for your site. I learn so much from you, in multiple areas, and I always look forward to reading what you have written. I'm also glad your husband is home now and mending. :) Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom and what you've learned and heard and seen.
I'm sure you've answered my question somewhere in your archives, but I get so overwhelmed when I go through them and usually end up on some rabbit trail heading in a direction completely opposite of what I came searching for. :)
Our daughter is currently 20 months and I'm expecting our second child in early May. While we practice attachment parenting for the most part (co-sleeping until she was sleeping through the night and not waking to nurse; extended breastfeeding - she is still nursing; babywearing; etc.) we also believe in consistency, gentle but firm discipline, and guiding our toddler rather than allowing her to make all her own choices and decisions and basically running the house. :)
We do give choices (this shirt or that dress, blue cup or pink cup, play in the backyard or walk to the park.....) and we are careful to praise specifically. We've been working on obedience since she began to crawl and though she doesn't always obey the first time, she knows what is expected of her and we correct her when she's showing signs of resisting. Mostly she's good at obeying the first time, it's the not doing it again part we need to work on. :)
Anyway, my question doesn't have a whole lot to do with that. Our daughter has begun to demand control over her world and the changes made within it. We try to give her warning and choices so she feels secure; we'll tell her she has five minutes until clean up time and lunch (and then we'll count the minutes.....4 more minutes, 3 more, etc.) or something like that, so she knows what's coming. However, certain changes have begun to freak her out. Every morning of her life we've changed her diaper and pajamas and gotten her dressed for the day. Suddenly, this is too overwhelming for her and she begins to cry and hold on to her pajama shirt or try to put her pj pants back on while we're trying to get her dress over her head. It will happen again at bedtime, fighting to resist changing clothes. It's not just clothing that seems to strike something in her, though. Every Tuesday morning of her life has been change the bedding day and up until a couple weeks ago she loved to help us take the old sheets off the beds and put on the new sheets. Now, as soon as she sees me pull back the blankets she starts to cry and yell and tries to re-make the bed with the old sheets.
Those are two examples, but they're the biggest problems we have with this seeming issue of control. Other flare ups are usually easily managed by supplying a choice or distraction. We have no idea where this came from (I mean, why so suddenly and why so fierce when everything else is usually tame in comparison) or how to not only get her to stop when she gets upset but to prevent her from becoming upset in the first place. Generally, the warning that we're going to put on our pajamas after we brush our teeth is enough for her to understand what's going on and accept it.
I don't suppose you have any suggestions or anything? I'd love to hear your opinion on this.
After apologizing for the delay, I wrote:
I am so sorry I did not get back to you sooner. By now the crisis you were having with your daughter may have passed. That's often the way it is with children - something that is driving you crazy will resolve itself and all of a sudden you'll notice it stopped. Like the Bible says, "It came to pass" not "It came to stay."Actually, it sounds like your daughter is a strong leader-type personality who is going through the early issues of being that type plus an oldest child with two parents for whom she is - quite naturally - the center of the universe.
Now you may be into new baby issues :) and she will be adjusting to that. It's so interesting to see the interplay between what God has built into each child and the family constellation he surrounds them with - different for each child. I am always reminded He has a plan for each one and it is all part of His plan.
I always recommend avoiding power struggles with children as no one wins. I think as new parents, we tend to take extra offense when our will is challenged. We have to learn to be authoritative without giving off that vibe, which only makes the child dig in her heels more. That's why it seems like parents of many are more relaxed. We just learned how and when and why to draw the line in a way that avoids those power struggles. And to do it with the kind of quiet authority that isn't easily challenged.
But it takes practice. And prayer.
While I'd love to write more, I would live even more to spark a discussion here among mothers who have been through - or are going through - the same issues.
What has worked for you? What hasn't worked? And don't forget - what works for one child might not work for another.
Which is why we're fortunate to have the Holy Spirit.
And please, do not be too hard on yourself. From the perspective of someone who has already seen the other side of the parenting mountain - with six kids now full-fledged adults and six to finish raising - I will say that looking back is like watching one of those fast-motion cloud sequences. Troubling behavior has a way of appearing and dissipating. It's important not to fixate on it or become discouraged.
Posted in Mothering, Preschoolers, Toddlers | Permalink
Comments
I always felt, with our kids, that frustration issues often resulted from inability to communicate, as the first writer mentioned. We never had tantrum issues, even though both my husband and I, and our four kids, have strong personalities. I try not to think of it as "control issues." There is not question who is in control in the house: dad and mom are. That's our God-given role, and we are not oppressing our children by exercising authority. Our children grew up knowing they would be punished for challenging this authority. We spanked. We still feel that spanking is a biblical and quick solution for needed discipline.
However, we did feel it was important to encourage independence in our children. Whether this involved learning to sleep alone, having the freedom to visit friends next door, sleep over at a relative's house, or make decisions as a teen, we've consistently fostered independence with wisdom. This has produced very confident, mature teens, IMO.
I don't know if this helps at all. I never found it useful to "reason" much with a 2 or 3 year old. It's a balancing act to give them both the love and security they need, and the little bit of freedom and independence they crave. But mostly a small child needs to know that someone is in charge of his world, and it's not him. This gives him security. Sometimes challenging that authority is his way of making sure it's still there.
Posted by: mary kathryn | July 7, 2009 9:02 AM
Thanks for answering my question. I didn't get your email until this morning and you had already written this. :)
You're right, that particular issue has resolved with our daughter. And you're right, she is a strong leader type. :) It is a balancing act and I have NO IDEA how to do it. I want to protect, cultivate, and encourage the strong leadership without spoiling her or reducing our authority. At the same time, I don't want to be too strict or authoritarian with her and eradicate that wonderful, determined mind of hers
Like I said, I have no idea what to do. :) HOW do I avoid those power struggles? WHERE do I draw the line? Every day I say the same prayer for the same things and every day is completely different than the day before. God is good.
Posted by: annie | July 7, 2009 9:46 AM
For the constant temper tantruming: A book that I have found to be absolutely amazing, the first parenting book I have ever found that describes my 4-year-old, is The Explosive Child. I highly recommend it for people struggling with this sort of problem.
Also, we ended up taking our 4-year-old to a psychiatrist for evaluation, and she recommended a therapist, who has also been very helpful. I understand the concerns about going through the SpecialEd route at school, but sometimes, trained professionals are an amazing answer to prayer. We found our psychiatrist through our insurance company; maybe you have a similar option.
Posted by: Newt Sherwin | July 7, 2009 10:31 AM
When my daughter turned 3, she also started having terrible - and long! - temper tantrums. (She was also a preemie, born 3 1/2 months early.) We followed all the typical temper tantrum advice, including NEVER giving in to the child's demands and ignoring the child's behavior, since it's a way of getting attention.
What finally ended the tantrums for us was this: I used my digital camera to film my daughter throwing a temper tantrum. This made her really angry and may have made the temper tantrum worse initially, but the next time she was about to throw one, I pulled out my camera and said, "Do you want to see a movie of yourself?" She loves to watch movies of herself, so she readily agreed. But she hated what she saw. She never threw another temper tantrum again. (If I thought she was on the verge, I just pulled out the movie, and instantly her attitude changed.)
Every child is different. You really have to get creative and find what works for your child!
Posted by: Kristina | July 7, 2009 11:03 AM
For the first mother....I am wondering if it could possibly be Sensory Processing Disorder. She mentions that her child was a premie, and it is quite common for preemies to have SPD. This causes extreme discomfort and reactions to things in the environment and can manifest as temper tantrums. Obviously, since I don't know the family, I could be way off...but my son has SPD and I speak from my own experience. THere is a great website from the SPD Foundation that the mom could check out if interested. If that's what it is, therapy (usually delivered by an occupational therapist) is very effective. Good luck!
Posted by: Sara | July 7, 2009 11:51 AM
At our house, the cause was food allergies. When we cut dairy and corn products out of our child's diet, we went from having many tantrums per day to almost none.
Posted by: Stephanie | July 7, 2009 12:45 PM
Hi everyone, I'm the first mother!
Thanks so much for posting this, Barbara.
My son definitely has some behaviors (other than the tantrums) that make us think he might have some sort of sensory disorder.
Unfortunately, none of his doctors seem to really want to explore the issue. When I bring it up, it gets brushed aside. Several times I've had doctors make observations about his behavior being a bit off, but not so much that they give a referal.
It's frustrating because it seems he raises some flags, but not enough to get help.
Thankfully, he is doing much better now in terms of the temper tantrums. He still gets frustrated, but he is better able to communicate his frustration with us. It's definitely been an up hill battle, but I feel like we are making progress.
It breaks my heart to look into his little eyes and see his frustration. I appreciate all the suggestions.
Posted by: Lauren | July 7, 2009 1:37 PM
Lauren -
maybe you can get a book on sensory disorders because there are many exercises you can do with your child to help. I had to learn them myself for a couple of my kids with Down syndrome. Deep massage, joint compression, using a vibrator on their skin, etc. One of my children needed a weighted vest to bring out the calm in him.
One thing is that just because a child needs a little extra attention in some area in the preschool years does not necessarily mean he will need it later on. Which is maybe a good reason for God not allowing your child to acquire a diagnosis and label which might stay with him.
One of my grandchildren had some VERY bizarre behaviors which seemed unmistakeably Tourette's syndrome. My daughter was very distraught and went through much grief accepting him the way he was and trying to meet him there. She was homeschooling and never part of the government system which might have put him in that box for the rest of his life.
Now, ten years later he is as normal as could be. It was just some inexplicable thing in his development which defied understanding. But thank goodness he wasn't labeled then.
I've also told the story about my son who stuttered - quite horribly - on and off for years. Turned out to be a National Merit Scholar and quite an excellent speaker. One day when he was around 10 or 11 I suddenly thought "When was the last time I heard him stutter?" and I couldn't remember.
I'm not saying that it's wise to avoid diagnosis. I'm just saying that we should let the Holy Spirit guide us. Some things are just naturally outgrown, but we have a huge industry of professionals who make their living at helping kids who are diagnosed with issues. Sometimes they are necessary, but perhaps sometimes we can learn to incorporate things on our own that will help normal kids through some strange transitions.
Posted by: barbara | July 7, 2009 1:51 PM
I don't mean to be an alarmist but has there been anything new in the little girls life, new sitter or people in the house, has she started going somewhere or being left alone with someone she wasn't left with before. While it is probably nothing those behaviors were exactly how my best friends son was acting when he was being molested at that age by a relative's boyfriend. Our prayers are with them.
Posted by: Lori | July 7, 2009 2:44 PM
I really appreciate what you had to say to this mom, but do you have any more advice on how to avoid the power struggle?
Thanks.
Posted by: Pam | July 7, 2009 3:45 PM
For our family we have gone with the saying "pick your battles". Does everything need to end up in a power struggle? Is it really worth the stress? For instance, with the little girl that didn't want the sheets changed, maybe the night before as she's being tucked into bed you can remind her that tomorrow is the day the sheets will be changed and then ask her if she wants to do it in the morning when she wakes up or after breakfast/lunch/nap. Let her make the choice.
For the first mom, I highly recommend the book "the out of sync child". It may actually have a new name now. I know they also have a book for playing with the sensory sensitive child. At the age of 3 my second child was diagnosed with SPD, but it wasn't without a lot of pushing on my part. Doctor's weren't totally on board with pursuing the diagnosis, but I think it was b/c at the time there was little info available to the medical doctors. Remember to be your child's advocate. We went the school route and had him in the special ed pre-k. He continues on with an IEP, but since kindergarten has been in a regular ed class and is doing incredibly well (3rd grade and reading on 6th grade level!)
Posted by: Margaret | July 7, 2009 10:00 PM
What if it is just sinful behavior and needs to be disciplined (i.e. spanked?)
Did we do that already? I feel a little odd being the first commenter to mention plain old correction. If my kids indulged in bad behavior I generally spanked them.
For example, if my daughter started to pitch a fit whenever I changed her sheets, I would do very little worrying about sensory what have you disorder. I'd tell her to cut it out and if she didn't, I'd spank her. I may ask her why she was so upset, first, just to make sure there wasn't some overriding reason for her to get so upset.
Posted by: Marie | July 8, 2009 1:26 AM
I need to weigh in on that last comment about spanking. If a child truly has a sensory processing disorder, it is a neurological disorder (medical condition). Their over the top tantrum behavior is their way of communicating that something is very wrong in their world...it is not sinful behavior. Spanking is not going to resolve the problem if it is truly SPD. I have one typical child with no problems and I do spank him when he has willful behaviors that are out of line. My child with SPD is very different. While I do spank him when he is acting out willfully (and you can definitely tell the difference), the extreme temper tantrums will not be resolved or reduced by spanking. It would just not be appropriate to spank a child who is struggling with a very difficult medical disorder. Believe me, it is a real disorder that has much basis in medical research. The SPD foundation is very close to getting SPD recognized in the DSM V manual that is to come out in 2010 (I think). Once that happens, it will become more widely recogized. It is estimated that approximately 10% of children have SPD to some degree. In the meantime, an occupational therapist or developmental pediatrician can assist the family in getting help.
Posted by: Sara | July 8, 2009 9:13 AM
I just wanted to make a note about spanking.
Spanking him during a tantrum does absolutely nothing. He doesn't even act like he feels it.
Posted by: Lauren | July 8, 2009 12:45 PM
A friend of mine used the following "trick" to teach her tantruming child that he COULD control his own actions. (He was slightly older than 3 years, one would have to decide if the child would be motivated by this.) It was not a usual method, but was used probably only once to illustrate this to the child.
When the child was in the middle of the tantrum, she would calmly say, "If you stop screaming/crying (or your term) I will give you $2/3/5." The child would suddenly stop, and the mom would use this as the "proof" that the child actually was able to do that. Often children feel like these feelings control them. It worked very well for her.
Posted by: Natalia | July 8, 2009 5:12 PM
I always recommend avoiding power struggles with children as no one wins. I think as new parents, we tend to take extra offense when our will is challenged. We have to learn to be authoritative without giving off that vibe, which only makes the child dig in her heels more. That's why it seems like parents of many are more relaxed. We just learned how and when and why to draw the line in a way that avoids those power struggles. And to do it with the kind of quiet authority that isn't easily challenged.
I keep rereading this paragraph because I know I am CONSTANTLY getting into power struggles with our kids and I really would like to learn how not to. It almost seems like a personality thing?
I dread the moment I have to get my kids to do something I know they don't want to do. Power struggles all the time. Then I watch their Grandma get them to do whatever she suggests -effortlessly. When I watch friends' kids, teach Sunday School, etc. I sense this going on w/those kids too... they immediately don't want to listen to me... :(
Posted by: stacie | July 11, 2009 2:19 AM
James Dobson's book "Dare to Discipline" was a great resource for me. Shortly around the time when my daughter turned 2, she began to throw the temper tantrums typical of that age. Girls are perhaps a bit more vocal about their independence. But what has worked for me with my daughter was a combination of respect, empathy, punishment, and even disregard. What I noticed about my daughter is that she demands respect; even at this age (2), she does NOT like to be "bossed" around. So, I exhibit my authority in a loving way but with the message that I am still the top dog & I set the rules. In the beginning I would inquire "what's wrong...how can I help you" but when the tantrum got out of control I simply walked away & let her get it out of her system. That has taught her that she will NOT get the best of me or any attention whatsoever with that behavior. In other words, I make it clear that she can either communicate what the problem is OR she can figure it our on her own and come to me when she's calmed down. Now that she's 2.5, I tell her to take time out & come back to me with an apology when she's ready. We've also moved into taking away privileges, now, which has been the BEST way to keep her behavior in line; there are certain education shows or DVDs she loves to watch but when she's about to misbehave I warn her that she'll lose her TV for TWO DAYS...it works like a charm.
I don't think there's ANYONE who understands your own child better than you do as the mother. You know when your child cries because of frustration, need to control, or something is truly wrong. While my method has worked for me, My daughter does not have a medical condition to challenge me with. Spanking or even my method would definitely not be the appropriate method for a child who has a medical reason for his behavior.
Posted by: Dorothy LaBar | October 4, 2009 3:07 AM
