August 28, 2009 7:55 AM
Building better families - tame the TV, turn up the culture
My friend Ann was over yesterday and we were talking about how the things you share as a family become part of your family's special language. For instance, a character in a movie can become a symbol for some attitude so that when you mention him or her, everyone knows what you are thinking.Our family did not have a TV until Tripp came home one day in 1986 and said, "Barbara, guess what! There's a machine that lets you watch old movies!" at which point we went out and bought one and a TV monitor to display them. Tripp and I had always been big movie fans - not the Top Ten, but offbeat, foreign, and classic old stuff.
So that's what our kids were brought up on - along with Bible videos and old Sesame Streets someone taped for us.
Around 1997 we got a satellite dish so we could see the many wonderful history, science and arts programs. When we checked out the major networks, we were absolutely shocked by how decadent and coarse the "humor" was. I also did not want my kids to talk to each other - or anyone else for that matter - with the sarcasm and cynicism of the sitcoms.
So we blocked the major networks.
Now that our kids are older, there are a few reality shows we enjoy - American Idol, Project Runway. We have taped operas and Shakespeare on PBS and Ovation. My older boys have a bunch of stuff they like Mythbusters and Top Gear.
But the rule remains: No Stupid Sitcoms.
The time to build good taste and culture in kids is when they're growing up. What I want to emphasize is that it's not a matter of saying No to a bunch of stuff. It's more a matter of filling them with good things so that they will have the ears/eyes/heart/background to against which to measure whatever is presented to them.
Ann and I were talking about music particularly. Ann had given her middle school daughter - who is working on developing her voice - a choice of two classical pieces to add to her repertoire. Each was a foreign language. When Ann sang a few bars of each and asked her daughter which she'd like to learn, her tween said, "I don't know, Mom - they're both beautiful."
We marveled at what a blessing it was to have kids who have an ear for intelligent music rather than turning to some of the forms pushed on kids today which are coarse and brutal and full of despair.
Ann - who has 2 children under 13 - also does not have TV reception. They rent series like the PBS Frontier House. And Ann - who is a writer also - put into words something I'd been trying to say about these intentional shared experiences bond a family closer together. She was the one who pointed to the special language they give us.
This is something I wrote about in The Mommy Manual, and I want to share it as something for you moms with younger kids to think over. I firmly believe that the more you limit TV - making your use of it very selective and intentional - the kinder and gentler your children will be. My own kids range in age from 9-40 and people have always remarked at how kind and loving they are. That doesn't mean they are meek and mild-mannered - they're not. They just have a profound love and respect for others. People also say they are authentic - an adjective I find most gratifying.
They are strongly bonded and with the exception of one daughter who estranged herself from the family three years ago (I feel like I have to say that so you know things aren't always perfect), they love hanging out together even as adults. They share so many cultural touch points.
My advice as a parent then is to become the best role model you can be. Be careful about what influences you allow into your home. And look for entertainment sources apart from TV. Challenge yourself: if you never got into Shakespeare or opera or classical musical, give them another try - enrich your family life as you grow along with your kids.
That's actually how Tripp and I did it.
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Following up with an entry to give you some ideas for movie picks.
Love,
Posted in Entertainment, Family, Teens and Tweens | Permalink
