Mommy Life

August 19, 2009 9:47 AM

The story of mothers: Hello and Goodbye

Sophia is back at school. That's her with big brother Zach and her new roommate when we dropped her off last week.

It's so amazing to see how God orchestrates our family's lives so perfectly. Even when we're going through hard times. Even when it's only in retrospect that we understand. In fact, it's having stumbled through tough times and being able to say later without reservation that we wouldn't have it any other way - that gives us the courage to keep on keeping on. Do you know what I mean?

Sophia - our Number 7 - went off for her first year at Liberty University last year and LOVED it. Brothers Ben and Zach were seniors, which was comforting, though they were sharing a house off-campus. Sophia is a theater major and grateful, as she says many people say, "Oh, you are so lucky! I wanted to major in theater but my parents wouldn't let me." I guess Tripp and I have a strong streak of foolishness. We like to encourage our kids in the paths they feel led to pursue with the gifts that God gave them. And as far as more practical parents go, it must be hard to see kids who graduated last year facing an incredibly difficult job market - being grateful to get a job for $12 an hour and feeling happy because you were one of 300 applicants.

We'll see what happens when Sophia graduates. She's adding music for a double major this year and preparing for a career directing children's theater. She already has years of experience, beginning when she was 12 years old and held her first independent camp - Five days, 9-12 for 8 kids under 8. She scripted, directed, costumed a show, putting on a performance for parents on the final day of camp. All by herself.

Funny how God reveals the seeds of an individual's calling so early in life. No one could have made that happen. It's just that Sophia had been to a few camps and absorbed how they worked. She wanted to do it herself. We just stood by and watched.

Since then she has acted and sung in many plays - including an awesome Madame Thenardier in Les Miz - and she is wonderful at both. But she really wants to direct. The past few years she has been blessed to get paid at doing what she loves - with contracts to direct various children's summer theater workshops.

Between that and appearing as Helena in Midsummer Night's Dream, Sophia had another great summer. But it flew by. And she is once again off on the part of her adventure that takes place away from home. Very excited for her new living situation and being able to really focus and concentrate on preparing for her future. This is very different as my first two daughters chose not to go to college - a choice we supported for the same reasons I gave above. Samantha and Jasmine are both now homeschooling mothers of six. And maybe someday Sophia will be too. All we know - and are responding to - is the direction that God is providing for her life.

If there is one lesson I think most important for parents is that whatever templates or expectations you have concerning your children need to be let go as quickly as possible so that God can reveal the plans He has for them. I think I wrote about this in The Mommy Manual.

But before I wax philosophical, let me just say on a personal level that nothing prepares us for this stage of parenthood, when our nearly-adult or adult children come to visit for a few hours, a few weeks, a few months. It is always wonderful to have them come home.

And it is always hard to say goodbye.

After Sophia left, I wrote this column for the Purcellville Gazette, where I am grateful to be published every other week:

What's So Good about Goodbye?
August 21, 2009

What they never told me in my Megamommy Guide was that on the other side of diapers and fingerpaints and peanut butter and jelly was an endless season of goodbyes.

Okay, I'm talking to you older parents here - parents who've married off kids or sent them to college or boot camp. And I'm wondering if it ever gets any better. I mean, there's the first good-bye and then there are all the ones that come after. There's dropping your daughter off at college freshman year, but there's saying goodbye again after her summer at home. Is one any easier than the other?

And I'm talking to you parents of many kids - now grown-ups or almost grown-ups spinning off in all different directions. Do you ever feel like Dorothy in the Land of Oz: My! People come and go so quickly here!

You'd think it would come easier after all these years of 12 kids coming and going, but I cried when Sophia left last Sunday. And when I wondered aloud why life seems so full of hellos and goodbyes. Maddy sagely reminded me of that great spiritual classic Go, Dog, Go! - you know, the one with the guy dog who keeps running into the fancy poodle:

"Hello."

"Hello again."

"Do you like my hat?"

"No, I do not like that hat."

"Good-bye."

"Good-bye again."

I found that comforting in a strangely metaphysical way. But maybe it's because I've spent way too many years reading books to children.

On the other hand, there's The Runaway Bunny, where the baby bunny tells his mommy of his plans to hide as a fish in a stream, a crocus in a garden or a rock on a mountain. His mother assures him that if that happens, she will become a fisherman, a gardener, or a rock climber to find him.

My take on The Runaway Bunny? That it would give the child a sense of safety and security - that mother loves her little bunny enough to follow him anywhere.

But as one of my kids explained to me later, there's a more creepy side to the tale: that the mother will not let go.

Yet another aspect of the juggling act known as Motherhood. Loving well, but letting go. Should we choke back those tears at parting? Well, maybe for this child who feels smothered, but not for that one who's constantly looking for signs of being under-appreciated.

I've been a mother now for 40 years and I still don't have all the answers. All I can say is that while motherhood may not be rocket science, it's still enough to keep you awake at night pondering the variables and praying for answers.

As summer draws to a close, like many moms I'm gearing up for the next set of hellos - new schools, teachers, bus drivers, friends - and five-day-a-week goodbyes as the kids go back to school.

In a way, saying goodbye for seven hours may seem like great practice for saying goodbye for seven weeks.

But in the math of motherhood, the answers will never be easy. And neither will goodbyes.

Love,

Posted in Big families, Family, My life | Permalink

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