September 21, 2009 2:22 PM
Dads: Rules for Dating My Daughter
Thought the dads in your life might enjoy this email forward:
FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTERNOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
ACCESSORIES SECTION:A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION:Church you attend ___________________________________________________
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
______________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
______________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:
______________________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
______________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
______________________________________________________________
F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/CongressmanThank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will benotified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)
To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.
Daddy's Rules for DatingRule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a sand dune near Baghdad . When my post traumatic stress syndrome starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine
Posted in Fathers, Humor | Permalink
Comments
My husband had this "permission slip" in his file for years. When our daughter brought home her first boyfriend, my husband actually gave him the slip to fill out! This was the poor boyfriend's introduction to his new girlfriend's parents! Fortunately, he had a good sense of humor. Side note - my daughter was 18 at the time and was not amused.
Posted by: Lily | September 21, 2009 4:45 PM
I have three daughters, and this is too funny! Can't wait to show my hubby tonight. i am linking back to it from my facebook. ;)
kristy in Germany
Posted by: kristy in Germany | September 22, 2009 10:06 AM
This is hysterical Barbara! Thanks for sharing!
Posted by: Diane | September 22, 2009 11:08 AM
CANNOT even imagine what we will have to deal with having b/g twins. It'll be a ride for sure.
I also linked it to Facebook. Too good not to share.
-Shannon in rainy Austin
Posted by: Shannon Best | September 23, 2009 9:25 AM
My teen age daughter already knows that my eyesight and memory isn’t what it used to be. I told her that if I am not pleased with a young suitor, I would show him to the door but:
1) My eyesight isn’t great so I might forcefully show him the door frame several times until I can focus well enough to see that I missed the door.
2) I might forget to open the door and forcefully show him the door several times until I remember to open the door.
Posted by: Resident Old Married Man | September 23, 2009 10:29 AM
My daughter just informed me that my strength isn’t what it used to be either and the boys are not completely out of the door frame when I slam the door shut. Guess it is time to go to the gym and optometrist (in that order).
Posted by: Resident Old Married Man | September 23, 2009 10:32 AM
I'll be saving this one to print out and use in a few years!
Posted by: Home School College Counselor | December 23, 2009 4:54 PM
my daughter is grown up and married now, with a daughter of her own, as a teen ager she rode her own motorcycle and used to make her boyfriends watch her clean her ar-15 and 9mm colt pistol. her now husband, when she started dating him, came to my door and introduced himself and stated his intentions, and got my approval. that was 10 years ago and they're doing just fine together
Posted by: "gunner" | March 31, 2010 1:15 AM
ugh. this is SO my dad. why is it that my brother who is 2 years younger than me can do whatever he wants and i'm not even allowed to talk to guys.....*sigh*.
Posted by: donna | December 28, 2010 10:05 AM
im not a dad or a boy but i have a little sister... shes going to hate me
Posted by: Rio King | February 6, 2011 11:05 AM
Ah! Yes, I found this humoristic intro well over 10 years ago. My daughter Danielle of 18, has memorised all of the steps since she was 10! As she is very popular and outgoing, all of her male friends have been given the "intro" to ponder. Of course I do tell them that it is after all a humoristic point of view, however, I emphasize that I reserve the right to determine what is humour and what is dead serious matters; less we get any misunderstanding.
By the way, these guidelines apply to my Son vis-a-vis any and all of his lady friends.
Respect is what the game is all about...
Posted by: Michel Robert | May 16, 2012 1:32 AM
