October 15, 2009 9:27 AM
Back-talking preschooler - your advice, please
Kristina asked me to post this for your input:
Hi Barbara,My four year old has a problem with back talking. For a while, time outs and "back talk medicine" (a tiny amount of apple cider vinegar) seemed to do the trick. But now she's back talking worse than ever. We've been careful to say "That's back talking," so she understands what we find offensive, we've read her Bible verses about honoring and obeying your parents, and we've consistently disciplined her when she back talks. Nothing seems to be working.
Does anyone have an ideas on this one? I want to nip this in the bud!
Kristina
And a follow-up today:
Incidentally, we've tried sticker charts; no luck. Now we're using a marble jar, and that seems to be working a little bit - at least for now.Kristina
As I am trying valiantly to get my family's winter clothes washed and ready for the chill that's too suddenly upon us in northern Virginia, I promised Kristina I'd post this for your wisdom.
I also remember I have written somewhere about breaking bad habits, so I will dig that up and post it next.
Update: here it is: Helping children break bad habits.
But please - we all benefit from sharing our experience.
Don't forget prayer!!!
Posted in Mothering, Preschoolers | Permalink
Comments
I wish I could offer some advice but I, too, will be watching this column for some sage advice. I have a couple of kids that are on the high IQ side of the house and I think some of it has to do with a combination of respect and intellect. That whole "too big for their britches" concept because somewhere along the way (believe me, it happens as young as 2), a child got it into their head that they were smarter than their parent. Now I battle it on a constant basis... so trust me, I'll be looking for some advice on how to effectively handle this.
Posted by: Dirtdartwife | October 15, 2009 9:45 AM
My favorite phrase from my four-year old is, "Yes, Momma." I've finally gotten her trained so that when I have spoken the final word on whatever we're talking about or asked her to do something, she'll use that phrase. It lets me know that she really heard me & it reminds us both that what I've said is the end of that conversation. She's actually teaching my three-year old, so we'll see what happens with him soon enough.
She has had issues in the past (nothing quite as serious as it sounds like in the post, though) with using "but..." "yes, but..." "actually..." to prolong/argue with what's been decreed by momma & daddy. I just started saying to her that if she heard me, I needed to hear, "Yes, Momma," so that I knew she had heard me. It seemed that it nearly immediately curbed that impulse to argue & continue on even though I'd told her what my decision was. Now I can just give her a look to make sure she understood & she'll say that magical phrase on her own :)
Posted by: Dianna Cooper | October 15, 2009 11:17 AM
Hah! I like the "Yes Momma" idea Dianna.
Reminds me of what my dad (2nd gen Italian) used to say do us when we were arguing back with him. He'd end the discussion with a firm, "CAPITE?!" and we say, (usually mumble:), "Capite." End of arguement:).
Capite = understand in Italian:).
Posted by: Sarah | October 15, 2009 1:01 PM
Have you looked into The Kazdin Method? In it, Dr. Kazdin outlines a positive rewards system for kids that age. It feels a little bit cheerleader-y but it works well. It's not a moral program, it is strictly a behavior modification program. I use it at present along with my regular Bible teaching program and Bible verses. I wasn't sure about it at first, but it really works because all kids want to be acceptable and get positive reinforcement for their actions. We all want that. The program isn't for all age kids, but it seems to be perfect for preschool age kids who want to grow up and be more adult like and for Mommies who want their kids to stop a particular unwanted behavior.
BTW- There is only one thing I disagree with Dr, Kazdin about and it is his reaction to "Spare the rod and spoil the child". I think he has had a lot of exposure to parents who are of a certain mindset and it colors his thinking. I believe if he studied the verse and it's context in detail, he might see a very different meaning and how it can be applied in a positive and beneficial manner.
At any rate, a friend of my has a child in preschool who was throwing 90 minute tantrums of epic proportions and all methods where failing (spanking, time outs, special mommy time, reasoning etc). So after applying this program he is almost tantrum free. Frankly, the mom is right in line with Barbara's take on teaching preschoolers in a Montessori manner. So I hope all this info helps you Kristina!
Posted by: Imajackson | October 15, 2009 4:50 PM
