November 21, 2009 7:35 PM
SOS: wiggly 4-year-old - need advice
Got a minute to give advice?
Barbara,I just got word that my 4 yr old (just turned 4) is VERY wiggly in school. VERY. To the point I think it is taxing her Preschool teacher. My daughter is in LOVE with school and her teachers like her very much. Yet, I got news that she is hard to manage in the classroom. When I thought about it, I noticed she gets very excited easily by others and she tends to not follow directions the first time. She is not in control of her body (swinging her arms around hitting things, putting EVERYTHING in her mouth like a newborn, and she does not follow through basic instructions (simple routines like potty, wash and flush).
So at the moment I am trying to determine what part of this issue is
1.) Developmentally appropriateness: Are my expectations right for a just turned 4 yr old?
2.) Self control: How do I teacher her how to hold her body still at times? What about sitting and listening without interrupting? Waiting in line? Following through?
3.) Dietary: Did she only eat a handful of cereal? Did she get any protein this AM? Is sugar making is hard for her to hold herself still?
4.) Just plain old bad parenting: Did I repeat my instruction 4 times instead of once? Did I teach her how to clean up the toys properly? Did I give her enough practice at this skill to expect her to do it on her own? Am I rewarding the desired behavior enough?Barbara, WHO OUT THERE CAN THROW ME A LINE? I have your Mommy Teach Me books and I will go back over them again.
Can you post this for your readers to respond?
THANK YOU!
JJackson
I'm thinking cut out the sugar completely. We rarely have sugar in our house. I notice when we do, Daniel goes nuts.
Also, check out Teaching Children Self-Control. Try bringing more calm to your house - play classical and harp music CDs, try to get your daughter involved in things that evoke her ability to concentrate. Try coloring books.
Also, don't forget to pray. I'm convinced that God uses our children's challenges to draw us closer to him. And never give up hoping, because in 6 months your daughter may be a completely different little girl :)
Posted in Montessori, Mothering, Preschoolers | Permalink
Comments
These are just "general" thoughts, of course, since I don't know you or your daughter.
Sometimes kids need to move. Sometimes if you engage the physical, it enables a child to engage the mental. I know homeschoolers who, for example, let their kids have swivel chairs so they can move and spin in their chairs during lessons. Could you talk to the teacher, and find out if there is a manipulative, such as putty, or a squeezy ball, or something that your daughter could do with her hands while listening (like people doodle during meetings, KWIM?)
The other developmental things, it might be that she's just a little "young" developmentally or she might need help. If you ask for an evaluation for sp. needs, they have to do it within 30 days and recommend a plan of action (which you can decide to take or not take). Speech or occupational therapy might help in that regard.
You might also practice mindfulness. Things like the Montessor bell exercise, where children try to walk a line without ringing the bell or other games and activities that require a child to know where their body is in space. For one of my children, he needs touch as a reminder. Someone to put their hand on his shoulder when they talk to him, etc. She sounds like she's very kinesthetic - learning through touch.
A book with some exercises comes to mind - The Out of Sync Child and The Out of Sync Child Has Fun. You might see if the library has them and if they are a good "fit" for your situation.
Posted by: Milehimama | November 21, 2009 8:52 PM
I second the recommendation for "The Out of Sync Child". 6 years ago my son was diagnosed with "sensory intergration dysfunction", it is now referred to as "sensory processing disorder". Anyway, as I learned from the book and while working with my son and his Occupational Therapist, he would learn best when sitting on a round ball (small exercise ball). The ball allowed him to move and give him the sensory feedback he needed. When on his ball he was able to concentrate, focus and learn. The ball was not a distraction to the other students, just Ri's chair :) As he entered into kindergarten the occupational therapist transitioned him to a wedge that would fit in his seat and again allow him to wriggle and get the sensory feedback he needed to focus.
As far as the following of simple instructions, my son also worked best with a picture schedule that was easily adjusted to the days activities. Each activity (snack, bathroom, recess, story time, handwashing, hanging up backpack etc) had their own laminated picture card (2x2 in size) with a piece of velcro on the back. When Ri would get to school in the morning, his day would be planned out to keep him on task using the pictures. Whenever he was off task the teacher would remind him to check his schedule and he would walk over to see what the next picture was telling him to do. Once he completed the picture, he would remove it from the schedule and put it in a cup to be reused the next day. This gave Ri more control over his actions and reduced the "nagging". As he got used to it, the teacher would have him help at the end of the day put the activity pictures up for the following day. So he would know as he was leaving what would be expected of him the next day.
Hope these ideas help and that there are other readers that will also chime in with advice.
Posted by: Margaret | November 21, 2009 10:25 PM
Maybe she's just too young to cope with an institutional learning setting. My daughter definitely would have been at that age. I think 4 is too young for a lot of kids to be away from their mom for so long. JMO.
Posted by: teresa | November 21, 2009 11:46 PM
I don't know anything but the experiences I have had with my 3 children, going on 4. My oldest DD is 6, my son is 4.5 y.o. I think 4 y.o. is too young to keep children in school settings. I think even older children depending on their personalities are just NOT fit for school settings. Did you enjoy sitting still for 50 minutes at a time when you were in school?
All my children are very active. I homeschool and we sit down for "school work" for NO longer than 20 minutes at a time. After that we take a break and they run, dance and move around as they please. You can still learn even if you are not sitting down at a desk. :)
My children DO sit still in church for 1.5 hours every Sunday, with my husband and I, but they were trained to do that. I carry books, quiet toys, crayons and notebooks to keep them busy. During worship time, they stand up, sing and dance and during the preaching they distract themselves with the things we bring. I have had to leave in the middle of service many times, but that is all part of training them to sit still.
I noticed that my boy has trouble following through instructions: washing hands, flushing toilet etc etc.. but all children do. they are children and with all the things going around them it's hard to keep focused. :)
It's my believe that some of these therapies used nowadays are nothing more than tools to turn our active freedom loving children with little trained robots. I believe as they grow and mature they learn to control themselves and incorporate behaviors that are acceptable in society, but forcing these type of behaviors into children too early turns them into little soldiers all looking alike without any personality.
Also, like Barbara said I would suggest praying. Ask God what He wants you to do, and trust Him first. :)
my $0.02!
Posted by: tereza crump AKA MyTreasuredCreations | November 22, 2009 11:33 AM
Barbara,
I just keep thinking, Why is this 4 year old in school already? Keep them home for as long as you can. Teach them at home if you can.
debbieo
Posted by: Debbie Olson | November 22, 2009 11:35 AM
Hi Everyone,
I would give a 3rd recommendation for the book Out of Sync Child. I have a son with sensory issues too. He put everything in his mouth....and I think that was one of the big signs. The good news is that with proper understaning and the intervention of a good Occupational Therapist, there is room for a lot of improvement. Left untreated, however, a child with sensory issues will struggle in school. I have a 4 year old (Not my sensory child) who is in Montessori school at the moment and doing very well. It is amazing for me to watch my sensory child vs. my child without those difficulties side by side. The differences are very real and very hard for the child to control. Trust your mommy instincts on this one and seek help. Obviously, I don't know your daughter, and she could very well not have sensory issues...and I hope that's the case. However, if she does, she will need help.
Best wishes,
Sara
Posted by: Sara | November 22, 2009 6:06 PM
I have a 4 year old boy. We are struggling with the exact same issues right now. He is the youngest of three, and we are in the process of having him evaluated for sensory issues. My oldest son has been diagnosed as a hypersensitive, and I suspect our youngest is a hyposensitive. You should definitely pick up the Out Of Sync Child and give it a read. I think it will help you feel more grounded and able to help her. This is something that is very, very treatable with an Occupational Therapist, and the earlier you can get help the better.
Also, I second what Barbara said on praying on it. My motto these days is a quote from Mother Teresa, "God only give us what we can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much." God did trust you, and he only trusts the super special mommies with the kids who have super special gifts. As frustrating as it is some days to be a mom to this kid, I adore the way his mind works!
Thank you for reaching out with this question. I have been struggling with this since school began, and suddenly I feel a lot less alone.
Posted by: Julie | November 22, 2009 8:17 PM
Wow, lots of things I could say ...
My almost 7 year old had tons of problems in pre-school - even suspended on his 4th birthday. Guess what? We're not at that school anymore. :) His issues were sensory, combined with a school that had expectations too high for children so young, and had no understanding of sensory difficulties (14 kids and 2 teachers in a 12x14 room, I kid you not).
My advice would be the same as the other commenters (try the book, try some solutions in it to control movement) but if they don't work or the school isn't receptive to them,
pull her out if it's at all possible, and try somewhere else next year. Nothing is worth having her think she "fails" at school.
Schools differ so much, and if this one isn't for her, it isn't - they all have "boxes", and some are small and some are big. Maybe there's not one that fits her right now; certainly there will be one in another year or so, but you may have to look more than you thought you were going to. My husband and I certainly thought we were done with school decisions until high school when we put our son in that pre-school; God let us know quite clearly the road wasn't going to be that easy. The up side to that is I know my son a lot better than I did before, and I like that.
Most of all, pray, and hang in there. This is the first of many times you're going to have to watch (and help) her "find her spot" - think of it merely as good practice. :)
Posted by: Tari | November 22, 2009 11:34 PM
I have a second comment!
A. My husband just walked in and I read him the question and asked his advice: "pull her out of school and find another one!" So there's 2 cents from a dad whose been through this before.
B. I also wanted to mention - if this is her behavior all the time, or at least any time she's in any kind of setting outside the home (birthday party, gymnastics class, Sunday school, etc) I would be more likely to recommend the Out of Sync book and looking into sensory issues. But if this is solely a school issue, and she doesn't wiggle like mad anywhere else, I would be more likely to say the school is not a fit, and she may just need to be elsewhere (home, new school, etc).
There. I think I'm done now. :)
Posted by: Tari | November 22, 2009 11:43 PM
I echo the recommendations for reading The Out of Sync Child. Your daughter sounds a lot like my five year-old son. In addition to ideas others posted for ways to keep her hands busy, would the teacher allow her to have a special chewy necklace in the classroom? Basically, it's a piece of rubber tubing on a necklace. The child can chew on it instead of putting other things in her mouth. My son's teacher lets him use one and it seems to help.
I'd also caution you against freaking out, especially if you google sensory integration disorders. The amount of information online is staggering and can be overwhelming. You know your child best. Take the helpful nuggets of information from the internet and discard what doesn't work for you. Your daughter is still growing and what is a challenge today may be easily overcome in a few months.
The questions you are asking yourself are good ones. May I add another? How much physical activity does she get outside the classroom? Can you or a babysitter/family member/friend take her to the park, playground, pool or kid-gym? Does she ride a bike, scooter or skates? She may just need to burn off a bit of energy outside the classroom in order to help her focus inside the classroom.
And as Barbara said, keep praying. :)
Posted by: Molly | November 23, 2009 7:26 AM
The first question I had was how much exercise is she getting? Maybe she is just the kind of child who needs a lot of physical activity. A gymnastics or dance class could be helpful--or just making sure she gets time outside running and playing just about each day. Also, I just think that there's a wide range of normal activity in 4 year olds--each child is an individual after all, and matures at their own pace. In another year, many of these behaviors may end up being easily manageable. Good luck and don't get too worried about it!
Posted by: Elizabeth B. | November 23, 2009 12:49 PM
Wow. I am so grateful to have so many readers who have the experience, wisdon, inspiration and practical advice this mom needed to hear.
I think that's the reason MommyLife can be so helpful: My experience with raising 12 kids over 40 years is one thing, but it's great to have so many younger moms with more current information. Until I had kids with Down syndrome, I never had experience with sensory integration issues. And honestly, sometimes I don't know whether these sensitivities are becoming more prevalent - they didn't even have a name when I was raising my "normal" kids or whether we are just more attuned to children. I don't think it's all just the latter - there really do seem to be more issues today.
That said, I am so grateful for all the info and suggestions you all have offered. Bottom line: what Tari said: "Nothing is worth having her think she "fails" at school." And the critical question several posed about whether this behavior follows her everywhere she goes, or is just school.
I also want to emphasize that you can NEVER let an early experience put your child in a box. I always tell the story of my son Zach, who was late to speech and reading, who had a stutteer off and on until he was nine or so - and who grew up to be a National Merit Scholar. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had started worrying about him and taking him to specialists. I'm not saying there's not a place for specialists, but that nowadays we often think in terms of "fixing" a problem - and as Americans, we want a quick fix. But man's ways are not God's ways. sometimes it just takes, time. patience, personal investment and a lot of prayer.
I always know I can count on a lot of wisdom from my readers. Love you!
Posted by: barbara | November 23, 2009 1:46 PM
Well, if we're recommending books how about "Better Late than Early" by the Moore's and "Preschooler's at Risk" by David Elkind. I wonder how much of a relationship there is between all the disorders prevalent today and that so many children start preschool at 2, 3 or 4 yo? I'm only 35 but hardly anyone went to preschool when I was a child and many didn't even go to Kindergarten. When my parents were children, no one went to Kindergarten. When we did go to K it was play and read alounds, we didn't begin any reading instruction until 1st grade. Now, from talking to acquaintances, children in K are expected to read and keep journals even though they can't write. America has a more and earlier is better attitude, but it just doesn't hold water. Personally, I just think we're burning children out. A 4 yo doesn't need to be "taught" anything, they learn all the time. My girls are 7, 6, 4, and 2 yo and we're expecting another in April. None of them have ever attended "school" and my goal is that they never do. We homeschool and I don't have any required sit down work for my 4 yo and almost none for my 6 yo. My 7 yo maybe spends an hour a day with written work and "school" read alouds. I'm sure if I wanted I could have my 6 yo diagnosed with sensory issues and ADD or ODD.
I guess this is the long winded way of saying maybe she just needs to play and have books read to her at home.
Posted by: Bethany | November 23, 2009 3:01 PM
I absolutely agree with the comments about children being put into school too early for too long. Those of you more fortunate to stay at home and still survive need to have some gratitude and sympathy for those who are not.
Thank you for all your comments. I have a 4 year old who has been in daycare since he was a 1 1/2. Just recently we have begun power struggles and tantrums. Well honestly they have been coming and going over the past 2 years. I still don't know the answer today except to know I am not alone in my experiences and as the original writer expressed fearfull that I have royaly screwed up some where.
Thank you again
Posted by: Chris Slack | November 23, 2009 5:01 PM
Certainly get her evaluated for anything you are concerned about. The Out of Sync Child and The Out of Sync Child Has Fun are GREAT books. I'm curious about how much physical play she gets. Since she has a great need to move, can she have time to play hard outdoors (or even indoors) to get that movement in before school? Indoors she could hop on a "hippity hop" ball or have a relay race or hide-and-go-seek. If she is putting things in her mouth to chew on, she probably needs that input. Is she allowed to chew gum and can she do it safely? There are special chew tubes and necklaces made to chew on. You might have to try several to find one she enjoys or work on getting her to chew on them. A lot of studies suggest that needing to chew is a sign of too much yeast in the body. So eliminating sugar is a good idea to try. Add in probiotic tablets or capsules. They're in all the pharmacy sections. You can get refrigerated chewables or capules that can be opened and put into her food or drink. Whenever my son starts chewing his shirt, I know to up the probiotics, and that works every time so far. Four year olds have lots of energy. Find ways for her to enjoy it, find out if she needs any other help, and find ways to train her to follow instructions for those times when she must sit still. I agree about the coloring books or art. I have an energetic 5 year old who will sit still longer than the rest of us as long as we are doing any kind of art or reading an entertaining book.
Posted by: Angela | November 23, 2009 6:22 PM
When I was doing my teaching observations, the kindergarten class I observed (mostly young 5's) included one boy who is suspected of being autistic (and is currently being evaluated). The teacher discovered a great tool to keep him still and occupied (and to keep him from bothering other students so much). She gave him one of those stress balls that squishes and regains its shape. He loved it and began to sit still for longer periods of time.
Posted by: Courageous Grace | November 23, 2009 10:25 PM
I agree with all the other posters who suggest The Out of Sync Child. I have 2 children with sensory processing disorder and their manifestations started in infancy, esp with my oldest, at a month of age, with EXTREME sensitivity to noise (Floor creaking or microwave would wake her and send her into inconsolable screaming. And, no, she didn't have colic, if the right environmental conditions were met, she was fine). Anyway, if you read the book, and your child does have this, a light bulb will go off. They have both had OT and are better able to deal with the sensory inputs that come their way. Yes, they are somewhat different than their peers, but we know how to manage this, and they are a blessing. They are bright, curious, and unusually empathic. They are extremely sensitive toward others who are "different." I think their "disorder" gives them certain insights. Yes, they wiggle, they need to move, they chew on things, they hate loud noise, over stimulation, and bad lights. We deal with this, and find ways around it or a more acceptable behavior. And I never get anything but compliments from the teachers. I tell them what they have, symptoms of it, and what they are likely to see in my children and how to help. They have all been supportive and understanding. My girls are 9 and 4. By, the way, the Montessori environment was perfect. The rules were consistent, the colors neutral, the noise low, and if my child was particularly sensitive that day, could find something to do that made her comfortable, and didn't lead to a tantrum or more hyperactivity b/c all of her energy was focused on trying to deal with a sensory onslaught. It meant she could use her energy to learn, be happy, have fun, play, and interact well with her peers.
One thing we found enormously helpful was putting them on the Feingold diet. We found that they were allergic to artificial dyes, artificial flavorings, and petroleum based preservatives. Now we didn't feed our kids junk, but there are a lot of hidden sources of these things (the bag your cereal is in is usually sprayed with BHT, dyes in toothpaste, the pan grease your bread is made with can contain BHT, most chocolates, the Vit A in low fat milk can have BHT added as a preservative, lollipops your kids get from merchants you frequent, etc). Anyone of these things would accentuate all the negatives of their behavior: the hyperactivity, irritability, mouthing objects, decreased eye contact, out of control protracted meltdowns ( 40 minutes multiple times a day even for something as silly as "you looked at me", I kid you not ), belligerence, difficulty transitioning from one state to another. We eat what everyone else eats, except are more careful about what we buy and the Feingold Assoc. provides a helpful book that has acceptable products in it. They have contacted the manufacturers to ask about hidden ingredients already (e.g. BHT sprayed cereal bags or BHT preserved Vit A in milk so you know which brands are OK so your child won't react). I know it sounds crazy and like a lot of work, but it isn't. My kids are a thousand times better. More pleasant, less meltdowns, less extreme hyperactivity, better eye contact, better interaction with peers, better attention. Other people have noticed the difference too. If my oldest cheats, I can tell immediately, b/c she gets belligerent, loses attention, and gets crazy hyperactive and moody.You can google Feingold Association or Feingold diet and get more information. Good luck!
Posted by: antoinette | November 24, 2009 9:12 AM
I agree with what some have mentioned about sugar. My daughter is only 18 months, but I can already notice a huge difference if she has too much sugar. (And like others, it's not that I'm feeding her cookies and sugar cubes, getting too much of a sweet bread or a sweetened cereal is enough to cause problems). She is much more likely not to be obedient and to get a little wild if she has too much sugar, so now I strictly limit it. As she is my oldest, I'm obviously not a very experienced mom, and I don't know if your daughter might have other issues as well--but I just thought I'd throw out there that cutting sugar has made a big difference for me.
Posted by: young christian woman | November 24, 2009 12:40 PM
I agree about lots more physical activity planned into your child's schedule, and about cutting all sugar and unhealthy foods out of her diet. I have major issues w/ my boys when daddy is deployed and I realized that is when we start eating more junk/easy food that is harder on kids' bodies. Just read The NDD Book (Nutrition Deficit Disorder) by Dr. William Sears, and it explains how children's bodies process food, but most importantly it has tons of ideas and recipes of healthy foods and menus for feeding our families well. He claims that Depression, OCD, ADHD, Sensory Disorders, and Diabetes in children are most often the result of poor diet and lack of nature/exercise. One of the most helpful books I have read lately in helping me deal w/ my 2 and 4 year old boys.
Posted by: beccy | November 24, 2009 2:57 PM
