December 27, 2009 6:27 PM
Adopting older children - advice needed
Hi Barbara,
I love your blog and commitment to adoption. There are thousands of older children in the foster care program across the United States waiting for adoption. Sites such as Virginia's Waiting Children are full of kids who have been abused or neglected and are waiting for a permanent home.
My husband and I have six children, out of which 4 are 18 years and up, and we are looking into adopting an older child. A friend told me that she has had several friends who have adopted older children both domestically and abroad, and that in none of the cases were the children able to adjust successfully into family life. I know only one family who has adopted an older child, but that was only 6 months ago, and I know it has been a very difficult adjustment for all of them. (she was adopted from China at age 14)
Could you please ask your readership what their experience is of adopting an older child and what suggestions they would give?
Thank you so much!
Mary
I hope someone has some experience and advice. I just checked out the Virginia's Waiting Children site and it was heartbreaking. I pray there will be more and more Christian and Catholic families willing to take a risk and begin living more sacrificially.
At a CCAI banquet several years ago, we heard young adults who'd grown up in the foster care system all their lives speak of their yearning to be adopted. When they were 17 or 18 their friends would think they were crazy -
"Why would you want to be adopted when you're almost an adult and able to be independent and free?"
Their answer: because they want a family to come home to, a father to walk them down the aisle, grandparents for their children. They want a family.
I hope someone has advice and encouragement that might help someone contemplating adoption to move forward, opening their home and family to share the love God has given them.
Let's speak frankly about the negative and positive, but let's remember as Rick Warren's first sentence in The Purpose-Driven Life says: "Is not about you." Our time on earth is limited and as followers of Jesus we need to be in the business of growing and changing and doing hard things that He would want us to do.
You might want to read
Advantages and Disadvantages of Older Child Adoption and Sibling Groups
Posted in Adoption | Permalink
Comments
Actually there are many many success stories with older adoption. I have 4 adopted kids.. the last three adopted were 4, 6, 9 at the time of adoption...but I have a few videos from friends who have adopted older kids and I hope this helps....
Eileen's story of Solomon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PY3pgxjJ4iA
Elaine Bateman has several older children in their teens and early 20's that she has adopted:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4DliJ4oIw4
All the best..
Deanna
Posted by: Deanna Jones | December 27, 2009 7:53 PM
This is not my blog, but one I found that has really helped me evaluate the pros and cons of adopting older children: http://abushel-and-apeck.blogspot.com/ I find her posts titled "My Learning Curve" particularly insightful. Also each Tuesday she posts a question for her readers to answer which creates some good discussion.
Posted by: Karen | December 27, 2009 8:34 PM
Hey Barbara, it's me again! :)
I work for a foster care agency with kids who have a disability and severe behavioral problems. My parents have done foster care since I was 7, and my younger brother and sister are both adopted. (We adopted my brother when he was 6, my sister when she was 7.)
I guess the one thing I would suggest to the writer is to know that the child is going to come with trauma and baggage. If they are older, that either means that 1) they've been in the system for many years or 2) they've recently undergone a huge life-changing event. It is my experience with these children that you cannot parent them in the exact same way you would your own children--I work with foster parents every day who have trouble grasping this concept with our children. It's when they embrace that that they see results (this is therapeutic foster care, which is not always what you're going to see when adopting--but for older kids the chance is much greater).
You will have to compromise a little bit of your routine or your philosophy to accommodate the child. This is going to be true the higher the age of the child is. When you experience behavior difficulty, it's best to get down on the child's level. Don't view the kid as manipulating or as "being bad", but view their behavior as a disability and work to accommodate them to make the behavior stop. Ask them what THEY think would help them stop the behavior. Don't sweat the small stuff--forcing kids who have undergone trauma to adhere to irrelevant family rules when they take issue with it (i.e. "We eat AFTER you make your bed and that's that!", "You MUST do your homework before you go outside and play.", etc.) can traumatize a kiddo more.
Adopting older kids is tough, but very noble. I wish the writer success!
Regards,
Nate Sheets
Posted by: Nate Sheets | December 27, 2009 9:45 PM
Mary,
My husband and I have recently adopted two boys, ages 10 and 16. Although there have definitely been bumps and behavior challenges along the way, both boys have adjusted incredibly well to family life. Our adoption worker informed us that we shouldn't adopt again for at least a year, and I am personally counting down the days. We are in Michigan, and there are so many waiting children, especially boys, that need homes. If it is on your heart, and you feel God is leading you and your husband in this direction, don't let any fear stop you. Oh, and make sure you do TONS of research on behavior challenges, as well as make as many connections as you can with other parents of adopted children.
Hope that helps. Feel free to follow our journey on my website.
Blessings!
Hannah
Posted by: Hannah | December 27, 2009 10:11 PM
I have sme friends who foster children of all ages in Thailand, many teenagers. Many of them have been very neglected or grew up in institutions. Their experience has been, for the most part, positive. You can read about it at http://firewatching.com/itsara/
Also mary at owlhaven.net has adopted 6. The last two were much older girls. She has a lot of wisdom on the subject of adoption.
Posted by: carrien (she laughs at the days) | December 28, 2009 3:44 AM
Not to cite People magazine as a great primary source, but simply because this article is a quick write up of a family in our church (who I truly believe you would enjoy, Barbara):
http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20207281,00.html
They adopted Christina when she was 16 years old and she is a treasure --- not only to her family, but to our church family too.
Also, they are a committed homeschooling family, and incredibly gracious, so I bet you and the mother (a truly remarkable woman named Annette) would get along great.
Hope this is an encouragement to your reader.
Blessings,
Tara B.
Posted by: Tara Barthel | December 28, 2009 9:53 AM
Before reading my comments, please know that my husband and I have been foster/adoptive parents for the last ten years. The youngest child ever placed with us was 7 months, the oldest was 11 years.
We have had sweet,wonderful, loving children and dangerous, violent hate-filled children.
Among the bad: the 5 yo who attempted to stab a sleeping 7 yo with a pair of kitchen scissors; a 9 yo who attempted to smother an infant and an 11 yo who, we discovered after placement, had a prior history of sexually abusing younger children (the case worker was sure it was an isolated incident, that happened three times, in two different homes, and involved different children).
Caseworkers, no matter how wonderful or dedicated are usually overworked, with far more cases and paperwork than they can possibly handle. One caseworker gave me grief about having a child removed from our home (one of the three in the above paragraph)- he quit after the father of the same child attacked him in the agency parking lot after visitations were suspended due to the father showing up drunk and high.
In our last foster/adoption, which spanned two years, we went through 5 case workers and 2 case supervisors. At the last court hearing the judge commented that he, the guardian ad litem (attorney representing the child) and myself were the only ones out of almost a dozen professionals in the court that had been there since the beginning of the case. Moments later he referred a question to me since the "assigned case worker" for the child had only had the case for two weeks and hadn't had time to really read the file.
There are some wonderful heartwarming success stories - there are also heartbreaking stories that don't get nearly as much press. I hate to say this, but when I heard about "Blindsided" my first thoughts were ""BLEEP" now people are going to think all the kids in the system are like this, and they just aren't."
For a more broadbased look at life with LOTS of older adoptees check out Big Momma at
http://www.thebodiebunch.blogspot.com/
She has 39 kids - 38 of them adopted, most as older kids - you'll get to understand a lot more about living with and trying to raise children with mental illness, FAS, ODD, PTSD and a bunch more.
With all respect to "Nate" - until you've been the parent and not the caseworker you will have no idea what living with these kids is really like - most case workers see the kids for an hour or two a month.
If you're still interested in adopting older children - find blogs, read books (there are so many contradictory opinions and philosophies about how to best intergrate these kids into families); line up support (understand you might end up with a teen-ager you cannot leave alone in your home to go out to dinner with your spouse, not because of developmental issues, but because of behavioral issues); talk to parents who have adopted older kids in your community, through your agency (and not just the "poster" parents).
It is a life changing decision on many levels for all involved - you, your bio children, the adoptees. I wish you all the best, whatever God leads you to decide.
Lucretia
Posted by: Lucretia | December 29, 2009 6:52 PM
Hi, I'm the friend Carrien mentioned above. We foster kids in Thailand, many of them older kids. Carrien colored it as positive, though I would say it has been mixed. We have kids who are fantastic (though we can't take credit for that) and kids who are/were terrors (though we can't take credit for that either).
Some of our kids may never become well-adjusted, but they are far better for their time here with us, even if it is only a short time. If nothing else, you have an opportunity to show them what love and family CAN be.
But Barbara's absolutely right: do it for them, not you.
Posted by: Adam Heine | December 31, 2009 1:04 PM
Thanks for this post. This is something close to my heart although we have not yet adopted. Here is a piece of my heart for anyone who cares to read this: I have worked with teens my entire adult life, usually in the youth ministry at my local church. Now am volunteering at my local crisis center where kids go between the detention center and ?, between home and foster care or group homes or therapy or rehab programs, where kids get put for respite... Most are wards of the state, some are available for adoption. Quite a few of them have been bounced from foster placement to foster placement for YEARS with no stability in their lives. Many are criminals and/or have bad habits. Here is the thing: I LOVE these kids. LOVE them, and you probably would too if you met them.
Most of them have not experienced healthy boundaries and unconditional love ever in their lives. If you ask them about Christmas memories, the only thing they can come up with was accidently getting drunk on alcohol that was left around during the holidays. I get the privilege of showing up and loving on them for a few hours each week - like an aunt or grandparent would do (I get to parent my own kids at home, and the staff there gets to parent them - a nice change of pace for me.) I get to be Jesus with skin on to these kids. Learn about them. Listen to them. Pray for them. Encourage them. Hug them (the staff isn't allowed and they are starving for appropriate affection.) Learn how to relate to them when they have never gotten to experience what I have, and I have never had to experience what they do. They need loving healthy homes - even in their teens. They need a loving support network or many of them will never make a health transition to adulthood, and a number of them will spend a lot of their adult lives in lifestyle of addiction and crime.
When it comes to adopting older kids I am convinced that it is mostly a matter of family chemistry. You can't tell from a picture if it is a good fit and if this is the right kid/challenges for your family. I would encourage anyone who is thinking about adoption of older kids, now or in the future, to get involved with at risk kids. And if you care, but know adoption is not an option for you: Join a mentoring program. Volunteer. Get to know them. Learn about them and from them. You will find that it is just like any other relationships - some work better than others. There are no promises things will work out, but there are pretty good odds that it will NOT work out for the kid if they never have a family. If we as Christians put ourselves in close proximity to the "orphans" of our society God may use us to stem the tide of neglect, abuse, violence, and dispair that is sweeping over them. I have been there less than a year and I have heard numerous times "Do you know anyone else like you who would come and volunteer?" Show up in their lives, and you might just find you have to take one home with you for good. Jesus came after my heart when I was lost, how can I do less for these lost sheep.
Posted by: beccy | January 14, 2010 5:44 AM
