Mommy Life: Christmas - focus on family

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December 10, 2009 9:51 AM

Christmas - focus on family

I know the news is horrible out there, but I'm stepping back for a while. Still scanning Drudge for headlines, but I just don't want to talk about it. For everything, there is a season - which means it's important to listen to the still, small voice about when to engage and when to step down for a while. Right now, I'd rather point you to resources to enrich your Christmas this year and all the years to come.

In Mommy Manual, The: Planting Roots That Give Your Children Wings, I talk about the importance of holidays in creating a family legacy. And since I know many of you are just beginning your families - and since some of you may be starting out as I did without a rich and meaningful background to draw on - I just want to share as much as I can in the next few weeks of the traditions that have meant a lot in our family.

Here's an excerpt from The Mommy Manual:

Christmas

"Remember the year Mom was too pregnant to make Christmas dinner?" I picture my kids in twenty years chuckling as they celebrate their own family feasts - whatever they turn out to be.

I hope they'll laugh remembering that particular Christmas - the one that brought me face-to-face with my "picture perfect" holiday expectations, forcing me to rethink and let go of a lot of "shoulds" and "musts" and "have tos."

Most of all, I hope they feel the freedom to play with our own family traditions until they find the variations that feel just right to them.

My moment of truth came in December 1989. Overwhelmingly pregnant with my seventh baby, I was ordered to bed rest shortly after Thanksgiving. Try to avoid stress, my doctor said. Hah! I thought. How is a bed resting Christmas megamom supposed to avoid stress? So many people are counting on me to produce a wonderful Christmas!

Some of the "problems" melted quickly away. With catalogs (pre-Internet) I could easily shop while flat on my back. Wrapping could be delegated to my husband and the older kids.

Even the festivities were "doable" - I could join in family Christmas carols and direct the tree trimming from a different angle - reclining on the couch.

But the traditional Christmas feast - now how would I ever be able to pull that off?

A Little Background

Tradition weighed heavily on me. Coming from homes where Christmas meant Santa and holiday cheer came from bottles, Tripp and I were just beginning to create memorable and meaningful holiday traditions for our family.

But it was really during this time I spent waiting for Sophia - whose name means wisdom - that while some family customs last forever and some change gradually over time, sometimes a set of unusual circumstances can cause a sudden shift. We might see that a certain tradition which worked to preserve the family is now demanding too much work from the family to preserve the tradition.

Make It Simple

Remembering Christmases past, I realized my warmest memories were not of Christmas dinner, which in many ways seemed an encore of Thanksgiving - another big meal requiring lots of planning and preparation which kept me busy in the kitchen. I always felt like I was missing out while Tripp and the children played with new toys or worked on the newest addition to our Christmas jigsaw puzzle collection.

Instead, my warmest memories came from two very simple meals.

Christmas Eve Crab

Arriving home from the early evening Christmas Eve service, we light a couple dozen candles in the dining room, ladle steaming hot tomato soup into our special Christmas bowls, slice fresh sourdough bread, pile crab pieces on mounds of ice, and melt butter - putting together in a few minutes a meal that guaranteed to last far longer than the preparation.

For those unfamiliar with eating cracked crab, it involves a lot of messiness - prying bits of crab out of the shell, amassing a heap, then dipping it in butter or piling on bread. It also involves a lot of time - creating an atmosphere of leisure drastically different from the hectic pace of the holidays. We do a lot of reminiscing as we pick. And I never leave the table wondering why I spent four times as long preparing the meal as my family spent eating it.

Tucking our kids in, kissing their crab-scented faces, Tripp and I feel fulfilled and ready to stuff those stockings.

Christmas Brunch

Our second traditional meal is a dish I make the night before to pop in the oven Christmas morning halfway through our gift giving.

Just before we eat, we prepare a fruit salad, chopping everything together - the youngest members of the family standing on stools to peel and slice bananas with table knives while the older ones wield the sharper blades.

Make It Memorable

The more senses involved, the more powerful the memory. A beautifully set table with lots of candles and special music provides a feast for the eyes and ears. Using fresh herbs rather than the dried we use for everyday creates the richest taste and smell. The hands-on of cracking crabs or making a fruit salad together are the stuff of which memories are made.

Create an extravagant atmosphere with a centerpiece that suggests abundance - candles surrounded with mounds of evergreens, sprigs of holly, ribbon and silver ornaments.

Make It Uniquely Yours

Be bold. Don't be afraid to try something new.

Oh, yes - that was the main thing I learned that Christmas. It wasn't the gifts to be exchanged or the food to be served that represented the essence of our family. What mattered was the love and the excitement, the unity and the sheer pleasure of spending yet another Christmas together.

And for that awaiting-Sophia Christmas, when I could delegate the preparation of our two simple but elegant meals, what mattered most was a mom at peace - not anxious or frustrated by her inability to produce the perfect Christmas dinner.

That year, after brunch, all afternoon I laid on the couch and watched my children enjoy their gifts, read them stories, and rejoiced that I wasn't cooped up in the kitchen.

And that year, we tried something new: Chinese carry-out for Christmas dinner.

And you know what? We liked it so much, we've done it every year since!