December 26, 2009 10:15 PM
Homeschooling: sacrificing social skills?
Hi Barbara,I loved reading Mommy, Teach Me
. My little guy is only 14 months but i want to get a head start on developing a love for learning. I would like to home school. Is it possible to home school using the Montessori principles from preschool through 8th grade? My mil feels my son will need social skills and that can only be cultivated with his peers in a classroom setting. What are your thoughts on homeschooling and socialization?
Katrina
Hi Katrina -
It is possible to home school through eighth grade and even beyond. Many students are graduating home school and going on to the best universities and military academies.
What I recommend to anyone contemplating homeschooling their children - or already in the thick of it - is to take each year as it comes and to treat each child individually. Though many people begin homeschooling thinking it will last forever, there are many reasons why it might not. And it's not because of failure, but because a parent who is tuned into each child's needs - and sensitive to the holy Spirit - may receive a nudge to do something unexpected. A good parent must always stand ready to follow that guidance no matter what others say.
After all, if God wants something for your child, He certainly isn't going to tell your mother or your mil. He will tell you. And you can be completely confident - no matter what others may say - that God chose you to be your child's mother and that you are the one who knows best. Don't let people discourage or intimidate you. You will find that if you stand firm, people will eventually back off.
I firmly believe that by simply homeschooling the first three grades you will not only get your child off to a superior start but you will have a claim on your child's heart that will not be easily broken by teachers later on who have very different political and cultural ideas. That is worth everything. And the first three grades are so easy to teach! It's almost unbelievable how we've been persuaded today that only teachers can teach and only in school buildings between certain hours. In home-based learning, the natural yearning of the child to learn is never stifled or distorted, and learning is just part of everyday life.
It's a more holistic approach.
And the wonderful thing is that the curriculum takes 2-3 hours a day max - leaving all those other hours for things your child is uniquely gifted to enjoy. And all that other time to read, relax, help with chores and play with siblings. I know this from experience. When I home schooled, we did academic work only four days a week with a field trip on Friday. We took off the month of December. And my kids were way ahead when they went into public, Christian or Catholic school (we've done a little bit of everything).
I was shocked when they went to school for seven hours a day only to bring home homework!!! I can't even imagine how so much time could be wasted.
So why did I stop homeschooling and put my kids in school? Because after the initial "I'll home school everyone forever" years, I realized that you can't put your kids - or God - God in a box like that. Ironically, when we moved from California to Purcellville, VA - the home school capitol of the world - I felt led to put my kids in public school, where they've spent the last seven years, except for Maddy's seventh grade year when she asked me to home school her.
The best approach for any parent is to pray and ask God for guidance. Never say you can't do anything - whether it be homeschooling or stopping homeschooling. Just be a good listener, always ready to obey.
As far as socialization skills, there are pros and cons. The socialization kids get in public schools includes exposure to coarseness, violence, crude language and sexual immorality that they will not be exposed to in a good home environment. But it also includes exposure to people from other social strata, ethnic groups, religions, backgrounds and ability levels. This is a very good thing. I know that at some churches where most kids were home schooled, there was an awkwardness around my sons with Down syndrome because the kids had had no previous exposure as kid sin almost every elementary school in Loudoun County have.
I only home schooled one child past eighth grade. The rest have thanked me for sending them off to school - though I realize that had I home schooled them for 12 years they might well thank me for that - because when they encounter people their age who home schooled exclusively there is often a social awkwardness that makes them easy to spot. I'm just reporting here, not making a judgment. I still believe God has a plan for each child and will guide parents who are obedient.
When all is said and done, grandparents need to know that homeschooling is something that will benefit their grandchildren greatly - and they should keep an open mind while looking into the facts.
Here is an article I wrote many years ago which you can share with your MIL:
Mom, Dad - We've decided to home school.
Also see:
Homeschooling Works - Just Ask Colleges
Home School Legal Defense Association
I think you're very wise to be thinking about the future now. And if you are interested in homeschooling, it would be good to find some mentor moms who are homeschooling to see how it works for them.
Finally, I hope some readers here will share their own home school journeys. It often happens that when one mom asks a question here, the blog entry receives many visits for years to come - there are many moms out there who need the experience, wisdom and advice you all have to share.
Posted in Homeschooling, Preschoolers, Toddlers | Permalink
Comments
In the past five years, I have gone from being very against homeschooling to considering homeschooling my own children.
When I was against homeschooling, my main objection was the "lack of socialization." All of the homeschooled students I had ever met were socially inept, and I did not want my children to turn out that way. However, as participation in homeschooling has increased, I have met incredibly impressive, confident, well-spoken children who were/are homeschooled.
So what makes the difference? In my experience, the socially inept children have socially inept parents and the confident, articulate children
have confident, articulate parents.
Has anyone else noticed anything similar?
[I think that's true to some extent. When we were homeschooling, we had our children involved in a wide variety of activities: sports, theater, music. Also, because Tripp and I are extroverted - to different degrees - we had an active social life. I can see that if we had been introverted and uncomfortable around people that we could not have helped our children break down the social barriers that we all do wello to learn to break down.]
Posted by: Allison | December 27, 2009 12:08 AM
As someone who did all three at some point (homeschool, public and private school), I've never understood why "socialization" is such a big concern. Were Laura Ingalls or Abraham Lincoln socially stunted because much of their education was at home (and even self taught)?
The "socialization" question is the most common one raised by critics of homeschooling (funny how they rarely mention academics, knowing that homeschoolers almost always excel), but it's largely based on a lack of information and understanding.
Whether or not homeschooled children end up "socially awkward" often has far more to do with the home environment than it does with traditional school vs. homeschool.
http://homeschooling.about.com/od/socialization/a/socialchallenge.htm
http://www.hslda.org/docs/nche/000000/00000068.asp
http://www.cbn.com/CBNnews/144135.aspx
I have a friend who used to be a public school teacher and has chosen to homeschool her four kids. She says she'd rather her children be "civilized" than "socialized" (and there's a definite difference!)
There are a variety of reasons people may choose to homeschool, and every family is different. Some do it because the schools in their district stink, and they can't afford to move to a better district. For some, their child is not being challenged enough (most kids are stronger in some subjects than in others, so at home, you have the option of, say, doing 5th grade reading while still in 3rd grade math). Others find that their kids need more one-on-one attention than a conventional classroom is able to give them. And others, of course, prefer that their children be taught with faith-based curriculums that do not contradict the family's values.
Homeschooling is very popular for parents of kinesthetic (hands-on) learners, too. If they have trouble remembering things they learned through conventional methods (reading and lecture, which are visual and auditory methods), they're more likely to retain information through hands-on projects and experiences (like actually visiting a factory instead of reading about one). My brother fit into this category, and he was always behind in traditional school. But in homeschooling, he was able to learn by the methods that best suited him, and graduated early! In traditional school, he did very poorly, had few friends, and suffered low self-esteem. After a couple years of homeschooling, he found his true potential, made some close friends, and is now a confident website designer and father of three.
There are so many fantastic options and curriculums now, which are specificially oriented to your child's learning style. Traditional schools must choose curriculums which meet the needs of the broadest spectrum of students, and the "odd balls" must adjust or risk being left behind.
Again, no option is necessarily good or bad, right or wrong for everybody - it depends on the needs of your child.
Posted by: Rachel | December 27, 2009 12:49 AM
Although I don't know any homeschooled people to compare I don't think much of the socialization that the average young person has. I have noticed this past year or so that the young graduates working in stores etc seem to have no problem talking non stop to their peers and yet they either ignore customers by continuing their conversation while making change or they look uneasily at me and mumble....I think we are seeing the pay off for teaching our children " don't talk to strangers"they don't and they won't. I think the next few years may bring on the most unsocial generation( excepting with their peers) we have ever experienced.Time will tell.
Posted by: Karen | December 27, 2009 2:17 AM
I also never believed I ever would homeschool my boys. My oldest got ahead at a great preschool and was reading before Kindergarten. We sent him to the public school where I knew his teacher well and she couldn't do anything to help him in reading- he had to stay with the kids who were still learning to recognize their letters. He got completely bored and I still made him go.
Our state has a charter school where the work is done at home except on Thursdays when he goes in for a morning class in science with other kids in his grade and a great teacher. This has been a great option for us and I love the curriculum- my younger boys always want to join in on what we're doing- art, history and science- not just reading and math which seemed to be the only emphasis in public schools.
With my second son, I don't feel a classroom setting works as well for him and he does better when we can do things in spurts throughout the day and get him outside to play more often. The schools here have PE once every other week so this would really hurt the way my other son learns.
We do have to look at things individually each year, but I feel we have found something that will work for a while. Right after we started this program our state CUT most Fridays from the learning schedule because of budget issues. This doesn't seem to have a solution that all parties will agree on any time soon, so we are going to keep going in this direction until we are prompted and feel more comfortable doing otherwise.
Posted by: Linds | December 27, 2009 4:36 AM
I would just like to clarify that introverted does not automatically equal "socially inept" (a common and hurtful misconception).
My husband and I are both introverts, but most extroverts would never guess it in a social setting.
Also, I have noticed that my children, who have been homeschooled from the beginning, have far better social skills than the majority of their public school peers. They play well with all age groups, are friendly and kind, think nothing of introducing themselves to a new child and involving them in games/play, and show no signs of awkwardness.
Our dentist once said, "The homeschooled children are always the nicest and best behaved." We laughed at first, until he clarified that he was absolutely serious.
I am often skeptical when people tell me "all the homeschooled children I've known are like such and such" because in my experience, on further questioning, the majority of the time they are thinking of ONE child and at the most two or three (and those are often from the same family). Not exactly a broad or fair representation of the social skills of homeschoolers :o)
Here's a link to an excellent long term study of homeschooled children and how they fare in society as adults...
http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2009/dec/13/home-schooling-socialization-not-problem/
Posted by: Amy | December 27, 2009 12:46 PM
As you said, it's a unique decision for each child, each year. God has plans for our children and our families that go well beyond any dogmatic decision. That's perfect advice. Kids are SO different in their needs, and the needs of both kids and families can evolve over time, whether in linear fashion or according to "seasons".
I do want to emphasize that traditional school takes place 180 days per year for 6 - 7 hours a day (or less-- all those "half days"!), leaving many hours on school days and 185 days that do not involve time at school. Many arguments against homeschooling seem to presume that if a child is not getting something at school, it's not in his life. That is not necessarily the case!! Evaluate your own circumstances and opportunities to actively expand your outside-the-school-building-world. Also consider that a room full of children almost exactly your own age from the same general area does not make a "real world" situation or a diverse setting necessarily. Consider that many homeschoolers spend time relating actively to people of all ages and from many backgrounds.
Posted by: Marian | December 27, 2009 1:01 PM
Allison, it is true that ANY perceived ineptitude, bad behavior, shyness, etc. in a homeschooled child is typically attributed directly to the fact that they are homeschooled. Meanwhile, the same traits in a child in traditional school might be attributed to the fact that they are just children, inborn personality, etc. etc etc.-- you know, the real, much more likely reasons! If people blame educational setting for anything they don't like in a child, wow, public schools have a lot of things in a lot of children to answer for!
Posted by: Marian | December 27, 2009 1:07 PM
Rick Boyer has a great perspective on socialization- both negative and positive. His book is: " The Socialization Trap". It's a great book to read and then pass on to a skeptical mom or MIL... But honestly, after that if she does not agree stop discussing it with her... Just send the subtle message that you aren't going to discuss it anymore.
Posted by: Lisa | December 27, 2009 5:05 PM
Marian, to second your emotion:
I have met socially awkward public schoolers. Actually, I went to school with quite a few.
I have met socially awkward private schoolers.
And I have met socially awkward home schoolers.
I don't think any of the three options have the patent on social awkwardness.
So I grow impatient with the "socially awkward" stereotype. It's no more true than for any other children, in my long years of observation.
Posted by: Marie | December 27, 2009 9:37 PM
I married into a family of 8, all home schooled until community college. Also all very well adapted socially. It is my experience that children who are home schooled tend to be better at socialization in a broader range of settings.
Rather than only knowing how to relate to people in one age group, their own, they know how to talk to those younger and older than them, they can play with kids that aren't their own age. As they get older they are much in demand for their social versatility as well as unique ability to learn rather than memorize.
My husband and his siblings have sold their professors in university on the idea of homeschooling just by how well they dispel the myths surrounding socialization as well as how they excel.
OF course, our idea of home school is far from a cloister. The kids were in music classes, swim teams, martial arts training, church activities, world travel with their parents, and apprenticeships in places where they are interested in careers. My 16yo sil for example is volunteering in midwife clinic right now to gain experience in that field.
The only home schooled kids who are obviously painfully maladjusted socially are those whose parents keep them home out of fear of the world, rather than a desire to give them the best education possible, that I have observed. If a home schooled child is never given opportunities to engage with others they will of course be awkward, but there is no need for that unless a parent chooses it.
[I think you nailed it, carrien.]
Posted by: carrien (she laughs at the days) | December 28, 2009 4:01 AM
I've been thinking on the issue of the holy spirit leading us to make decisions regarding education... I honestly believe that Christian parents fall into different categories. There are those who only feed their children spiritual milk, and there are those who feed them spiritual meat. I get concerned about the kids who attend public school and are only fed spiritual milk. They don't have the roots to know how to stand up. They don't know when they are being fed lies.
The parents who feed spiritual meat, on the other hand, seems to produce kids who fare much better.
This is just one piece of the puzzle, of course, but if you are going to send your kids to public school, I think you need to be street smart, you need to have a strong biblical worldview, and you better be feeding those kids spiritual meat instead of milk.
Posted by: Lisa | December 28, 2009 1:57 PM
It can be done! I was homeschooled only for high school while we were missionaries. Before that I was in Catholic school, public school and a secular private school. My younger siblings were in public school briefly and homeschooled for the rest of their schooling. Interestingly the ones who were homeschooled the longest went on to more years of education beyond the bachelor's we all earned. The youngest is a lawyer. Homeschooling was as much a blessing to us as being missionaries. I often chose to do my schoolwork outdoors. Everything about it was wonderful. Now that I am homeschooling my own young children, they have plenty of social interaction with people of all ages, and that is priceless. Your son can make friends in Sunday school, and soon in clubs like AWANA, later sports or Boy Scouts can be fun--in addition to the many children you can meet in a homeschool group. In the meantime, plan playdates with other families with children for your son to play with. Older children might enjoy teaching him things, and that is wonderful too.
Posted by: Angela | December 29, 2009 12:28 AM
