December 16, 2009 8:28 AM
Introversion and motherhood
This comment from Kristen came in this morning on an old post about introverted moms:Sound like it might be helpful to discuss this again. Here's the original post:I actually found this post by googling "introversion" and "motherhood". Obviously, I must be struggling with it if I'm sitting here researching it! I find myself exhausted most days, just from being around my kids, and long to just get a break from them. Mine are 4,3, and 0, and I think they all all extroverts, including my husband. I am surrounded! It's overwhelming at times.
Here's a question from Adele which I can't answer:Lots of comments and advice here but feel free to commiserate or add your two cents now.It's so interesting that you posted about personality types-- I've been thinking about them a lot lately. I actually have a question about temperament and big families: do you think that extroversion is a prerequisite of having a big family? I am definitely an introvert (INFJ), as in, I need some time alone in order to be a pleasant and functional person. I only have one baby right now, so that is still pretty easy to attain. Sometimes I wonder if I could handle the constant social interaction that a big family would require-- I love the idea of lots of kids, but I don't know if I could hold up under that social pressure!
One thing I've noticed - our family is dominated by extroverts and so it is hard for introverts. When Sophia explained to us why she needed to spend so much time in her room by herself - that she is an introvert - I finally "got" it and stopped taking it personally (Some of us extroverts are kinda hard to get through to :)
I've met big families where everyone seems like an introvert. At least they all seem much more quiet and serene and the house seems more quiet and serene.
So maybe if you're an introverted mom you end up with mostly introverted kids?
I understand what you mean though. I thrive on the busy schedule in our home. I can understand that it might be very unappealing to someone who needed more down time.
Related posts:
Personality types
Motherhood and personality types
Myers-Briggs personality test - a humorous take
Personality types and family size
My DNA test
And a little humor:
Caring for your introvert
Introverts of the world, unite!
Posted in Mothering, Personality types | Permalink
Comments
Sometimes introverts breed introverts, not always though!
I have an extroverted daughter with two extremely introverted parents. We think it's a recessive gene she inherited from her Great Grandma. :D
I have to balance her need for interaction, with my need to be by myself. For some reason, being with my husband counts as alone time, mainly because he is an introvert too and so our interactions count as recharge time whereas being with my daughter, well, let's just say you can't be in the same room with her and not know she's there! :D
An example of our differences, we were over at my husband's parents house for a couple of hours. We already had church that morning, so my husband and I were totally peopled out. He went to cook dinner (yes, he does 90% of the cooking, I'm really blessed!) put his earphones on and zoned out. I went to the computer for my quiet time. My daughter? She was so energized by the encounters that day that she was running around the house like a CRAZY girl talking and playing with her toys.
So the way I balance it? I try to make sure my extroverted daughter gets time with others so that I am not her only person with whom she interacts. She loves it. We are also blessed to have both sets of grandparents close by and I send her their way often. I've heard that people think it's wrong to need a break from their kids, but in my experience, it's almost always an extrovert that says that!
As far as big families go, I don't know how that works. I had pregnancy issues so the only way our family will be large is if we adopt. I do think that my husband is unwilling to have a large family is in part due to his introverted nature. I'm a little more open to it, but I still wonder how well I would cope with it.
Posted by: Debra | December 16, 2009 9:57 AM
Kristen,
I'm an introverted mom of three. I can relate to you. My children are a little older (11,7 and almost 5). I have found that as they get older, it does get easier. The kids can do things without you for longer periods and it does make a big difference. My older ones are in school now too- which has been a very good thing for us all. A few things you can do now...encourage room time, down ,quiet time whatever you want to call it but get them in the habit of learning to occupy themselves. If that seems too daunting - just work towards it. Don't wear yourself out trying to get some time to recharge! Encouage reading, art and music. It was a long time coming but I see where the emphasis we placed on these things when they were very small has had impact on what they choose to do now. Instead of TV at night my oldest can sit and read with me (for an hour or longer) or he will pick up his guitar and play. The younger ones will work on art for long periods and practice reading. This makes for quiet, recharging evenings.
I know these are not quick fixes for now but I want to show you the light at the end of the tunnel. I had very little help (breaks) from my kids when they were babies and toddlers. My breaks came from my husband and kid's day out. Do what you can to get frequent breaks...it's important to introverts...it's not wrong to care for your kids' mom.
One thing that just popped in my mind- when I really needed a break but couldn't get one my husband would put a tent up in the living room (on a Friday night). He would get movies and have a "camp-out" with them while I spent the entire evening in my room. That would really recharge me and the kids loved it. See what ideas you and your hubby can come up with. Think outside the box.
Hang in there!
Posted by: JJ | December 16, 2009 11:03 AM
I am not an extreme introvert, but I discovered by having 8 kids that I am definitely not an extrovert!
Posted by: Eva | December 16, 2009 11:57 AM
I am definitely an introvert. I even entertained the vocation of being a cloistered nun right before my husband asked me to marry him. The lifestyle of a hermit still greatly appeals to me. On the other hand, my husband and son are extroverts to the fullest. I am 9 months pregnant and expecting another son, and we want to have a large family. I work full-time outside the home, so my work is my time as an introvert, when I can sit at my desk, alone, quiet, for 8 hours. After 8 hours, I am longing to get home to my extroverted family. To be honest, I never entertained the idea of NOT having a large family. I believe the Lord has asked me to be generous, and after a miscarriage last year, my heart longs for many, many children. After observing my own parents, I am looking forward to my years of retirement (I am only 28 now!); there will be more than enough time to be an introvert then.
Posted by: Connie | December 16, 2009 12:39 PM
Thanks for these resources! It's good to hear other moms deal with the same time. Many times, I have thought that it might be better for my whole family if I went to work at a quiet job during the day and hired an extroverted nanny for the kids . . . but I really value being at home with them. Unfortunately, my job (a marriage and family therapist) is pretty people-oriented, too.
We are expecting one more child (through adoption this year) and I think that four will be all for us! I think with many more I would have a hard time being sane.
Posted by: Kristen | December 16, 2009 1:17 PM
Jen at Conversion Diary is a shy introvert, and she writes a lot about being an introvert with lots of little kids.
www.conversiondiary.com
Posted by: Milehimama | December 16, 2009 1:17 PM
I'm not an introvert, per se, just extremely abstract, and have always found relating to the real world, paying attention to my surroundings, etc., very difficult. I wish I had thought through the implications of this a little harder before having four children in four years. I find it impossible to stay involved with my children all day and am often unable to even speak or notice what they're doing by the end of the day. My husband tries to give me a break but is an introvert and finds it very draining, too.
We're tired of always feeling like we're just enduring our children's presence, but are still looking for another way to approach things. I've considered going back to work or putting them in school, but the trouble is I really like teaching them--it's the one part of relating to my children that I really enjoy. We're hoping someday I can find some sort of freelance work and hire a housekeeper/nanny to help with the physical care so I can concentrate on the part I am better at, but so far have not been able to make that happen.
Posted by: Queen of Carrots | December 16, 2009 1:32 PM
I'm a strong introvert and a lot of littles do really test my sanity some days:) We have 5 (the oldest is 8) and my husband works crazy hours so it's usually just me and them. If I haven't been able to squeeze in enough detached time during the day I find myself staying up really late. Not healthy in the long run but it does work for me in a pinch. Other than that, I am fanatical about quiet time in the afternoon.
But I wouldn't trade this family for all the peace and quiet in the world...even when it's hard, it's so worth it!
Posted by: Shannon M | December 16, 2009 3:24 PM
I am in introvert (INFJ) and my personality tests show I'm about as introverted as is possible to be. I'm also an HSP (highly sensitive person) and I homeschool three children ages 9,8 and 6. Yes, sometimes I think I'm crazy :o)
It does get easier as the children get older. Life got a lot easier when my children discovered a love of reading :o) They've learned to accept that I need some quiet time alone in order to function and not lose my mind.
My husband is also an introvert (INFP) but is not as introverted as I am. He is often able to take over and keep the children busy when I need a break, and because he is also an introvert he understands my needs very well.
Both of my parents and my sister are introverted. I would say my oldest child is an extrovert and I often joke that I'm glad I gave him two siblings close in age so that he always has someone to play and interact with. Otherwise, he would drive me absolutely nuts :o)
A good resource that I've found very encouraging is this blog http://livingintroverted.com/blog3/ I think it helps as well to educate the rest of the family about how you are different, and what your needs are.
Posted by: Amy | December 16, 2009 4:21 PM
My husband and I are both introverted. He more than I. I'd say that I'm nearer to the middle of the extro-introverted line, but on the introverted side.
I have 3 children, 6, 4, 2. My 6-yr old boy is high-needs, mild Aspergers, and highly extroverted, to the point of hating to be alone at any time except sleep. I'm exhausted almost every day by his needs and the needs of the other 2, who are also extroverted. So is my husband. After I had the 3rd, I suffered severe post-partum depression and anxiety which took me months to recover from (without drugs, yes). I was suicidal at one point during that time. Getting out of that took hiring a housekeeper/helper/nanny to come in 3 days a week to help me and to allow me to go away, alone, and work as a freelance writer. If I didn't do that, I probably wouldn't be here. I had a complete breakdown, and I think a major part of it was a complete overwhelming of my introverted nature (along with hormones, special needs kid, newborn, etc.)
Listen to yourself. If you feel that having a large family is not wise for you, don't pressure yourself into having one, or space your children out more so that you can have more breathing room. As much as I love this blog for information and encouragement, sometimes the posts here about "mothers with only 2 or 3 kids missing out" made me feel bad for opting to stop with 3 kids. There was a time during my depression that I couldn't read here because I felt so guilty and self-abusive. I felt like godly mothers must have a lot of kids, and simply deny themselves when things were horrible, and why didn't I seem able to do that without mentally cracking?
It was when I finally understood that some introverts may not be able to handle many kids, particularly those with special needs, that I began to understand myself and my breakdown. I think this is something an extreme extrovert could never truly understand.
God calls us to raise our children to love Him and know Him, as much as we can. While we are exhorted to value children, we are never ordered to have many of them. Yet we are commanded, over and over and over, to raise our children to know the Lord as best as we can. I realized I couldn't do that with more than I had, or I would crack and be a completely unstable mother. My advice is that, if you are an introvert by nature, consider carefully when you are planning your family.
Posted by: Jill (colicmommy) | December 16, 2009 11:04 PM
I'm an introvert, though I'm very outgoing as well. I have 3 children 8, 6, and 3. I homeschool them. We are all together all day.
The thing that saves my sanity is quiet time. For at least one hour every day after lunch, everyone goes to their respective rooms and either naps or plays quietly, depending on their ages.
For at least one hour I don't have to talk to anyone. IF someone emerges I simply point to the clock and to their room until they go back in. Unless it's a bathroom break of course. :)
I also try to wake up at least 30 minutes before anyone else does so I can sit in the dark and quiet and pray.
These two things help substantially with giving the me space and quiet I need to recoup. And they are good for my kids too. They get a break from each other if they need one as well.
That said, I can cope with a whole lot more noise and activity than I could when I started this whole parenting thing 8 years ago. You get stronger. Or rather, you are given the strength you need to do the task that is given to you to do as you need it. Often you get stronger while doing it, simply by trying.
Posted by: carrien (she laughs at the days) | December 17, 2009 2:10 AM
I'm an INFJ mom of two children so far (Katherine, 3 and Joshua, 1) and my husband and I hope to have a large family. It actually has felt a little easier having two instead of one...they can play with each other, which especially helps my 3-year-old daughter who is an extrovert. I am a runner, so making time to run outside alone really recharges me. If I don't get enough time to settle my thoughts and be alone during the day, I do find myself doing what Shannon does and staying up late at night.
My husband is an extreme extrovert. By expressing to him my NEED to be alone so I can stay sane, we've been able to work out times for me to either go out by myself while he stays home with the kids or he takes the kids out and I get to stay home alone. That helps a lot.
I know an older woman who is an introverted mother of 10. She has trained her children well to be responsible and they all share the work around the house so that she can focus on mothering without getting overwhelmed.
Posted by: Becky Miller | December 17, 2009 1:25 PM
Have I told you all lately how much I love you? I'm convinced anyone can find a wealth of wisdom and encouragement among the readers of MommyLife.
Thank you everyone - and keep adding to this thread as you feel moved to. This is the kind of post that draws visits for years, so you are helping more moms than you will ever know.
Jill, I just want to say that if in my exuberance over the joys of having a big family I was insensitive to those for whom it might be more challenging. I appreciate that you trust our relationship enough to say how you really feel.
I also want to add for those introverted moms with a bunch of younger kids that if you cultivate carefully, somewhere down the line it will be different as your children will be old enough to be their own best friends and keep themselves so entertained together that you can slip away to the other side of the house for an hour or two of solitude.
Also remember hearing of Susannah Wesley, mother of 19 - including Charles and John (founders of Methodism) - who would find prayer time by sitting down and putting her apron over her head.
As a mom of special needs kids, I learned the effectiveness of visual prompts in communicating with children. I'm thinking you could come up with a visual - like a night light plugged in a prominent place - that says "Mom needs quiet time." I've found my children become very cooperative when I use visual reminders rather than words.
Posted by: barbara | December 17, 2009 3:08 PM
