March 9, 2010 6:10 AM
Christian mom and anger problem
Sometimes my day starts with a comment on an older post (there are 6000 entries here) that makes me think it might be time to rerun it. From 1/25/o8:
If I want my blog to be anything, I would want it to be a place where people could be completely real, could make themselves vulnerable and find encouragement and help. So much of the time in the world of Christianity, people think we are supposed to be perfect and so we work very hard to hide our struggles.When we make a decision to follow Christ, we are forgiven, that is true. But each one of us still has to deal with sinful patterns of behavior and thought. And so often we look around and think that everyone else must have it all together but us. Not only is that completely untrue, but keeping up the facade becomes the major obstacle to dealing with the sin in our lives.
To overcome sin, you have to begin by being honest with yourself and others about the exact nature of your problems. I love the 12 Steps of AA because they detail in a clear and systematic way how to overcome addiction to anything - from drinking and drugs to gambling, sex, eating, shopping, anger. I am grateful I had this early training even before I became a Christian because it taught me that I needed to be honest to survive. If I am not completely honest - with myself and others - about my shortcomings, I simply cannot overcome them. To overcome, I have to trust God and trust others and make myself vulnerable. There's just no way around it.
The beauty is that when one person takes a risk and becomes transparent, he or she empowers others to confront their own sin. You can almost hear the collective sigh of relief as people realize they aren't the only ones who struggle with a problem.
All by way of saying that I am grateful to the mother who in writing me will open up a conversation here - or at least in other readers' hearts:
Dear Barbara,
I'm sure you get plenty of emails daily so if you cannot respond I will certainly understand. I am writing to you because, like you, my childhood was not an ideal one. My parents fought constantly, my dad was an angry, explosive and oftentimes violent man and my mom suffered with depression and mental illness. I had an abortion when I was sixteen and the next day, my boyfriend of two years, the father, broke up with me and told me I was a nag, was ugly and that he had been unfaithful. I've been hurt and rejected by several men in my life and lived an incredibly immoral life up until I got saved in 1994.
Needless to say, although there were also times of some happiness and love, I have come away from my childhood inheriting an inability to deal with conflict. I am what you would call passive/aggressive. When something bothers me or I feel hurt or angry, many times I just repress it. But, on the other hand, I have had explosive outbursts of rage. These have been directed at my sister, some of my boyfriends, my ex husband and now my two and a half year old daughter. I have thrown, broken and ripped up many valuable and breakable items in my anger, too. I've been arrested along with my ex husband for fighting.
Barbara, I am a born-again christian with the Holy Spirit of God indwelling my heart and yet I battle still with anger! I am desperate! What drives such rage? There is such shame in my heart because I have raged horribly against my precious daughter on a few occasions. She starts crying and puts her hands over her eyes and says "mommy, I'm scared!" I've never out and out hit her or abused her just because, but I have slapped her with great force, threw water in her face, yelled vile things at her and given her the silent treatment during moments of extreme frustration. All of these occasions have occurred while she was having temper tantrums or wasn't obeying or dilly dallying in the morning instead of getting ready for daycare.
I am seeking godly counsel with a fine christian woman who has been where I am and lived to tell about it. She was abusive to her children, but God has delivered her. Her children are well adjusted wonderful christians today with their own ministries to hurting people.
I suppose I am asking for your prayers and for the prayers of other women, especially women who struggle with the stronghold of anger. This is not something talked about in the church and because it's kept in the dark, it breeds shame and lives are destroyed.
Thank you for your kind consideration of my email.
L.
Hi L -I am so glad you wrote me. The mere fact that you are trying to become accountable means you are on your way. My guess is that you need to do some forgiving of people who hurt you and yourself as well. God has forgiven you and loves you and is guiding you through this process. Your daughter will be so much better for it. And you will be so much more able to help others than someone for whom this is just a theoretical problems. My guess is that you are almost there!!!
I found for myself that I had to go beyond just forgiving those who had hurt me. I had to embrace my past - all the painful parts as well - and to be absolutely certain that I would not even if I could change anything that had happened. They all made me who I am today. And to tell you the truth, I would rather be the one who is hurt than the one who hurt others - although I certainly did my share of that as well.
My favorite story in the Bible is Joseph. he had every reason to be hurt and angry and yet he chose to rise above it and see it from God's perspective: "You meant it for harm, but God meant it for good." I pray that you will find the peace in the midst of the storm of emotions and be able to go there whenever you feel them swelling up.
May I run your email to spark a discussion. It is so good - and foils Satan mightily - when we are open about our struggles. Then he can't keep us locked away battling ineffectively on our own.
lots of love,
barbara
Oh Barbara! Thank you so much for your warm reply. I fear greatly, when I open up about my struggle, that folks will recoil in horror. But I didn't think you would. I covet your prayers and the prayers of others. Yes, you have my permission to run my email.
May God be glorified in this.
LI do so hope that some of you have encouragement and advice - and prayers - for this mom and all who struggle with anger.
Also see my follow up http://www.mommylife.net/archives/2008/01/moms_finding_em.html">Moms - finding emotional freedom.
I want to add today that as I grow older I begin to understand what a hurting world we live in. The bitterness and anger we see in people around us - and I experience a little with people who hassle me about my writing or who I am - was caused by pain that they endured which has not been resolved.
I hurt so many people before I gave my pain to God to be transmuted into something positive. In this fallen world, the best thing we can do is try to grapple with our personal issues and with God's help resolve them as quickly as possible so as to break the cycle of pain.
It has been two years since this was published. I am hoping that L's little girl no longer has to cover her eyes when she is frightened of her mother's anger. And don't worry, there's forgiveness and always a new start with God.
Posted in Inspiration, Mothering | Permalink
Comments
Thanks for running this again Barbara. I struggle with anger too. Unfortunately, I really have no idea why. I will be in prayer about this today - maybe God will enlighten me!
Posted by: Debra | March 9, 2010 9:31 AM
Barbara, thanks for these posts on anger. I, too, suffered from a beastly childhood (dry drunk mother, a father who is some degree sociopathic: he doesn't kill, rape (that I know of), or maim, but annihilates in other ways.
As an adult I found myself horrified by my behavior--specifically displays of anger that left me shaken and remorseful. I understood that I was angry at having been denied a loving childhood but that understanding didn't help me curb displays of anger. (I raged, I screamed, I broke dishes). My husband said he felt liked "he walked on eggshells" in my presence. In calm moments I knew the corrosive nature of my actions. I knew I risked my marriage. I knew I was falling far short of my sincere desire to be loving, to put together a loving marriage, to be a better person. So here is what I did. It was almost miraculous in how it helped me.
I decided that I was going to find a way to conquer this anger. I looked around for techniques and settled on the time-outs meant for toddlers. I thought, you know I'm as out of control as a toddler with a tantrum so maybe a method for helping toddlers will help me.
I set up the rules for myself. At the very first feeling (not action) of anger, I was to stop what I was doing. IMMEDIATELY. If I was in the kitchen, I could, of course, turn off any burners and any appliances, but that was all. I was to immediately sequester myself in my time-out place. For me, this was a sofa in the living room. I had to put both feet flat on the floor, I had to support my own back (no leaning against the back of the sofa), my hands neatly folded in my lap. Once there, I would not allow reading of any sort, no daydreaming, nothing. Getting rid of my anger was the only topic I was allowed. I expected myself to stay there until every trace of anger was gone. I was prepared to sit there for 24 hours (or more!) if need be.
The first time I did this, I think that maybe I was in the time-out for as many as 30 minutes--I didn't time it. The next time, about the same amount of time. The third time, not so much--maybe 5 minutes and I was out of anger. A couple more times of 3 to 5 minutes and I had gained control of my anger. In fact, it was maybe the sixth time, I was working in the kitchen and I felt some anger begin to rise up and I thought quickly to myself, I just don't have time for this right now. As soon as I thought it, the anger melted away. Looking back on it now, I see that moment as the moment when I saw my anger as something separate from me, something that I could direct, even "order around" as though it was its own being.
It still amazes me that in such a short time I effected such a stunning change in my behavior. To this day, I've not had to do another time-out.
I have reflected on this often. Gaining control of my anger was a seminal event in my life. What I learned from this is that as hard as is it is to acknowledge, the anger was something that served me. It was on some level a decision that brought me relief (made me feel good, albeit at a huge price in the long run). When I say it made me feel good I mean that the relief of displaying my anger made it seem at the time like I was ridding myself of anger. I didn't understand that you can only rid yourself of anger when you can control it. Once you can control it, you can banish it. It becomes in some way very separate from yourself, it becomes something divorced from yourself, therefore you can act upon it--it ceases to act upon you.
Barbara, I know that circumstances and people vary greatly, that this method won't help everyone. But I offer it in the hope that some will find it not only useful but life-changing.
Keep up your wonderful and appreciated work.
Anne
Posted by: Anne | March 9, 2010 2:38 PM
Thanks for running this again, Barbara. I was the writer of the original post, aka 'the angry mom'. And don't you know God used this reposting to minister to me today because I lost it last night with my now soon to be five year old and am grieving. Your(and ultimately, God's) timing with this was perfect! Thank you!
Posted by: Libby | March 9, 2010 4:19 PM
I love the lord so much. I have found great joy in him. but me and my 3yr old bump heads. she doesnt listen and since I come from a time when children get one chance to obey its hard for me to bear her disobedience. so i get angry and say a lot of mean things. I regret it after cause i love her. but its like it come on me all of a sudden. I m asking God to give me a spirit of humbleness and patience. otherwise i dont know what to do. she is like a ADHD CHILD. really. help me. pray for me please.
Posted by: Tamika | April 17, 2010 11:51 PM
Man I never knew there were so many people with the same anger strugles as I. But i like her time out she gave herself. I will try it. Thank you so much. I really need this and need people I can talk to and relate to so i can get delivered of this sin that holds me in bondage. thank you and God bless.
Posted by: Tamika | April 18, 2010 12:07 AM
Dear Barbara,
Thank you for this post. I am a young mom with two beautiful boys. My background growing up wasn't pretty.
My dad was very angry and I believe it's because of his stress levels, which caused him to be explosive at home. He never was violent with us or physically harmed us...but it was indeed scary growing up with him sometimes.
I love my father and I have forgiven him . I don't want to leave a legacy of anger for my kids. I do not want them to become angry. It hurts me so much. I was doing well for awhile but something will trigger it, usually disobedience from the kids. Still I need to master it and am trying. Please pray for me, thank you!
Shannon
Posted by: Shannon | January 25, 2011 6:21 PM
