May 28, 2010 12:22 PM
For moms who need a fresh start - Part 6
I keep remembering other things I've written to add to this collection. Another 2006 post:
Mothers in the Hands of a Merciful GodI use time in doctors' offices to read magazines I wouldn't ever see. So, yes, I know all about Britney and Don and Jessica and Nick and Paris and her animal collection. I mean, between all my kids I DO spend a lot of time in doctors' offices!
But last week I picked up an issue of Vogue - which you don't often find in doctors' offices and which I used to read religiously back in my more glamorous days - and came across something so interesting I grabbed my notebook from my purse (if you write, you must make sure you always have a notebook!) and jotted down some notes to share with you. Good thing, too, because the article that got my attention is not online.
It was a piece called "Father's Day" by Tamasin Day-Lewis. If you recognize that name, it's because, yes, she is the sister of Daniel Day-Lewis, the amazing actor from My Left Foot and Last of the Mohicans - both I consider must-see films, if you can handle a lot of bad language by a quadriplegic in the first and a lot of violence by Indians in the second.
I had never heard of Tamasin, but she is a journalist and both she and Daniel are children of Cecil Day-Lewis, a British poet-laureate who died in 1972. What caught my eye was this piece of his poetry which was published posthumously:
Children Leaving HomeForgive my coldness, now past recall,
Angers, injustice, moods contrary, mean or blind;
And best, my dears, forgive
Yourselves, when I am gone, for all
Love signals you ignored and for the fugitive
Openings you never took into my mind.Whew. I know a lot of moms reading this are way too young for this to resonate - unless it resonates in regard to your own parents. This is a whole different phase of motherhood - although I'm still happily mired in the younger years with six kids 5-16. For all the writing available about bringing up younger kids, I just don't know that there's much about watching kids leave home.
I had an email this morning from an old friend in California who dropped off her youngest son at a New York college this weekend. She was probably the most supportive sports mom I know - at every football game for years and years (and for 20 years she's run the Pregnancy Resource Center in her town, saving hundreds of babies from abortion). Her son won a football scholarship which will see him through school. She's proud, but she confessed she still hasn't stopped crying. Even when they leave in the best of circumstances, there is so much sadness. Of course this is what you prepared them for - to be independent - but is it even possible to be prepared ourselves?
I can look at my children and see something like a slideshow of how they've looked over the years. Hear their little voices singing hymns with me each morning. Do you know what I mean? I wonder what each of them sees when they look at me, for each has his or her own set of memories about me and each feels and responds differently to who I am. That's a mystery I cannot solve.
And so what struck me wasn't just her father's poem, but Tamasin's comments:
"One stanza particularly stands out and has always made my brother angry sensing that our father was putting us at fault and blaming us for not getting to know him properly."I don't read it like that; I see it more as a valedictory, a blessing, an understanding of the places a child's mind cannot reach but shouldn't feel guilty about. It stands with the photograph [on which the article is based] as the way I wish to remember the most influential man in my life, my father."
Even if we've been terrific parents, some of our children may grow up to misunderstand and misjudge us. They may spend the rest of their lives denying our influence, but we will see it anyway and know God sees it too. Parenthood is really a matter between you and God anyway, because it is part of our stewardship. Our children are not our children, but God's children given to us for a brief span to prepare them for the rest of their lives.
Will we make mistakes? Of course we will. Think how young and inexperienced we were when we started! God doesn't call the equipped - he equips those he calls. And just like the all-too-human characters in the Bible, we will live lives filled with the good, the bad, and the ugly. The important thing is to be like David - humble and teachable and quick to repent - rather than like Saul. To not expect perfection from ourselves - because only God is perfect - but to lean on him to reveal how we can become more like him each day.
Parenting isn't just about us helping our kids reach their potential - it's about God helping us reach ours. All of God's children have free will - even those with whom he walked in the Garden of Eden. God will not judge us by results - how our kids turn out or how they feel about us.
"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7)
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See complete series: For moms who need a fresh start
Posted in For moms who need a fresh start, Inspiration, Mothering | Permalink
Comments
Hi Barbara,
Just reading this article and low and behold you were talking about me! OY VEY!! That was totally crazy...
Hope all is well with you and all the Curtis clan!
Love you,
Robin
Posted by: Robin | May 28, 2010 9:18 PM
This one was good for me too....Another Ca. mom and old friend with big kids....The last one is graduating from HS next month and starting college....I needed this. I get it. It's "where I am" with my kids these days....I've been reflecting on this very subject and wondering if I did well enough, if they had a good childhood, if they are prepared etc. Thanks for sharing this. It's profound.
Posted by: Kim O. | May 29, 2010 12:56 AM
