May 24, 2010 7:09 PM
Why forgive? How to forgive. . .
For Christians, forgiveness is not optional. God commands us to forgive, because - as Jesus said he came to set the captives free - God knows that unforgiveness is a state of bondage.
While we may delude ourselves that we can get away with nursing this or that particular grudge, the fact is that our resentment hurts. And it hurts us even more than the one we cannot forgive.
I first reviewed this book in March 2007, but I want to bring it up again for anyone new to MommyLife who needs a little pep talk on why we must forgive:
Seven Prayers That Will Change Your Life Forever
is one of those very pretty gift books with short chapters. But Stormie has made every word count. There's no fluff here - just good solid advice to revolutionize your Christian walk.
[And right now, there are new hardcover copies at Amazon for 1 cent!]
I was especially struck with Chapter Three - The Prayer of Release. I'm going to excerpt some bits here, because I think it will resonate with some of you. If it does, you may want to read the whole book.
Stormie begins with a mercifully brief account - less than 150 words - summarizing her mother's sins against her. It's brief because it's not where Stormie chooses to dwell. She wants to share her healing:
Many years later I sat in front of Mary Anne, a Christian counselor, who told me I needed to forgive my mother if I wanted to find complete wholeness and healing. Forgive someone who treated me with hatred and abuse? Someone who has ruined my life by making me into an emotional cripple? How can I? I thought to myself, overwhelmed at the prospect of so great a task. I had already confessed my sins, and now my counselor was asking me to forgive my mother - all in the same counseling session."You don't need to feel forgiveness in order to say you forgive someone," Mary Anne explained. "Forgiveness is something you do out of obedience to the Lord because he has forgiven you. You have to be willing to say, 'God, I confess hatred for my mother, and I ask your forgiveness. . . .
As Stormie, in obedience, prayed for God's forgiveness for her own sin of not forgiving, then prayed "God, forgive my mother," she says she felt God's love as never before.
It was the beginning of a process - especially since Stormie's mother's abuse continued and increased toward her.
For Stormie, the turning point came when she prayed, "Lord, help me have a heart like yours for my mother," and in accepting God's answer to that prayer,
I could see how her life, like mine, had been twisted and deformed by circumstances beyond her control. Suddenly I no longer felt hated her for it. I felt sorry for her instead.[my emphasis - this paragraph is worth memorizing, don't you think?]Being in touch with the heart of God for my mother brought such forgiveness in me that when she died a few years later, I had absolutely no bad feelings toward her. In fact, the more I forgave her, the more the Lord brought to mind good memories. I was amazed there were any at all.
Forgiveness leads to life. Unforgiveness is a slow death. Forgiveness is ongoing because once you've dealt with the past, constant infractions occur in the present. None of us get by without having our pride wounded or being manipulated, offended or hurt by someone. Each time that happens it leaves a scar on the soul if not confessed, released, and dealt with before the Lord. Besides that, unforgiveness separates you from people you love.
Though a lack of forgiveness does not change our status as born-again believers, Stormie explains why a broken relationship limits our relationship with God and with our own children.
And I like the way she urges us to take responsibility:
Forgiveness is a two-way street. God forgives you and you forgive others. God forgives you quickly and completely upon your confession of wrongdoing. You are to forgive others quickly and completely, whether they admit failure or not. . .Forgiveness is a choice we make. We base our decision not on what we feel like doing but what we know is right. I did not like forgiving my mother. Instead, I chose to forgive her because God's Word says, "Forgive, and you will be forgiven." (Luke 6:37)
There are both spiritual and psychological reasons to forgive. The spiritual reason is that we desire to obey God. . .
The psychological reason is to free ourselves. . . .When we forgive, we make a choice to no longer allow other people's sin to dictate how we feel or what we do. Forgiveness gives us the freedom to truly live our lives as God intended.
It was hard for me to understand that God loves my mother as much as he loves me. He loves all people as much as he loves me. The most important thing to remember is that forgiveness doesn't make the other person right, it makes you free.
I will be writing more over the next couple days on this theme: the freedom in forgiveness. In the meantime, if this is the next place in your spiritual journey, Godspeed!
Posted in Inspiration | Permalink
Comments
Stormy Omartian says "When we forgive, we make a choice to no longer allow other people's sin to dictate how we feel or what we do".
This cannot be true. Evil does exist. We must call it what it is--even if we have forgiven the perpetrator of the sin. In the ongoing saga of my family, my father continues to insist "I can have any type of relationship with my grandsons that I desire". Knowing that he attempted to groom his 15 year old grandson for homosexual sex is but one of his many egregious acts. His ongoing lifestyle involves the exploitation of others, including pornography.
He knows that I cannot accept this. I forgive him--but let's face it: the ball is in his court. Before we have a relationship he will have to change his ways. And whether or not this makes me feel good is beside the point. (As a matter of fact, however, I am completely comfortable with having no relationship with him. What would really depress me is to have to accede to his general depravity and lack of conscience.)
Posted by: Anne | May 25, 2010 12:30 AM
I'm glad you wrote about this - it is a good reminder that we need to continue forgiving and that it is not just a one off event.
Posted by: Susan | May 25, 2010 4:26 AM
Hi Anne -
I couldn't agree with you more. Evil does exist. Stormie is just saying that forgiveness means we are no longer bound to react in specific way.
I agree it is absolutely right to protect your family from true evil. You may not know that my father and one of my brothers are both convicted pedophiles. Both are unrepentant. I have no contact with them whatsoever and my children do not know them.
Where Stormie is useful is in reflecting on family relationships where someone refuses to forgive another and builds a justification for it rather than extending the same love and mercy that they have experienced from others and in Christ.
You can almost feel the chains when you can't let go and let God help you forgive.
Posted by: Barbara | May 25, 2010 8:00 AM
Barbara, I do remember a post about your relationship with your father and, if I remember correctly, you had provided him a "way back to you" (in spite of the quote marks, I am obviously paraphrasing here). In other words, I recall you forgave him but let him know that you would not tolerate certain types of behavior. In many ways it mirrored my current relationship with my father. In fact, when I try to explain (to friends and relatives) my relationship to my father, I often reference your ideas from this post.
Also, I've been struggling in recent months to understand and communicate the definition of forgiveness. I see some real dangers in some of the ways our culture is talking and thinking about forgiveness--not because forgiveness is a problem but because I sense that in some circumstances the idea of forgiveness is being used in the service of cultural relativism.
I had looked forward to adding another comment or two to your post but then, last Tuesday, my beloved mother-in-law had a massive stroke. She died this Sunday morning. That's why, after your kind response to my comment, you did not hear from me.
I look forward to your next post regarding forgiveness.
Posted by: Anne | June 1, 2010 1:46 PM
Dear Anne -
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. May God be with you and your family as you adjust to life without your mother-in-law.
You must be remembering this post I wrote about my father:
An unexpected Christmas gift from my dad
http://mommylife.net/archives/2007/01/an_unexpected_c.html
but you must have missed this very, very unhappy ending:
Family skeletons - breaking free
http://mommylife.net/archives/2008/06/family_skeleton.html
Beyond family skeletons: redemption and freedom
http://mommylife.net/archives/2008/07/beyond_family_s.html
Forgiveness is one thing. But this kind of evil I felt I could in good conscience flee. While I feel terrible that I do not have a good background to offer my children, I also feel it's important to be honest with them so they can see the great miracle God has wrought in our family.
God is a father to the fatherless, and a grandfather to the grandfatherless. I am teaching my children that He is where our family started.
Posted by: barbara (updated) | June 1, 2010 2:33 PM
Barbara, thank-you for your kind words. And, thank-you also for linking to the other posts regarding your father. I will definitely go back and read them. Will also order the Omartian book.
This subject (forgiveness) fascinates me as much as it challenges me.
Posted by: Anne | June 2, 2010 12:19 AM
