June 19, 2010 4:11 PM
Family update - sad news
Dear Friends -
I would keep this private, but I know there were people who were praying, then rejoicing when my daughter Jasmine came back into a relationship with our family shortly after Maddy's appearance on American Idol.
We had a few weeks of heaven on earth - a chance to see grace and love and healing and restoration.
Unfortunately, it was short-lived. A month ago, Jasmine closed the door again, finding too much fault in her older sister and in me to try to even try.
This is the third break. The first was 2001-2002 when we lived in California. The second was 2006-2010. I feel especially grieved for my six grandchildren who were blossoming under the reconciliation - being allowed to have relationship with their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and family friends. I don't know what they are told when they are learning to trust these relationships and the bottom falls out.
I also feel sad for the 10 younger siblings who were born/adopted into a healthier time of my motherhood - after I married Tripp - and who opened their hearts once again only to see the door slam shut again. It's ironic to see how someone can become so focused on their own feelings that they don't see how they are hurting everyone around them. We can be so blind sometimes!
I also want to say that no matter how constructively we try to live our lives, the consequences of our sins/failures/self-centeredness are not within our control. The fact is that I have two daughters from a man I divorced and for some years I was an unfit mother.
I am blessed beyond measure to have had an opportunity to learn to be a good mom and to have those two daughters experience a stable healthy home life from ages 7 and 14. And to have a slue of brothers and sisters and a healthy family dynamic. But somewhere along the line the missing pieces have come back to haunt us. What's called for obviously is grace and forgiveness - the grace and forgiveness God gives us. The grace and forgiveness a parent offers when a child returns - the same grace and forgiveness it then becomes our responsibility to extend as we strive to be more like our Heavenly Father (Henri Nouwen: The Return of the Prodigal Son).
I hope someday when my grandchildren are grown they will know the truth - that we always loved them and yearned for them to be part of our lives. I hope they will understand. I hope they will want to spend time with us when they are able to make decisions for themselves.
I've asked you to pray for our family before. It's hard not to just give up, But I ask you to pray again, and to pray especially for my precious grandchildren.
Comments
Oh, I am so sad, Barbara. I will continue to hold all of you up in prayer.
Posted by: Sue from Buffalo | June 19, 2010 5:33 PM
Barbara, I am very very sorry. :(
I will definately be praying.
Lisa
Posted by: Lisa | June 19, 2010 6:12 PM
Thank you for sharing this oh-so-personal part of your story, and for allowing us the privilege of praying for you and your family. God is the divine mender of all broken things. That's his specialty, don't you think? We all see through a glass darkly. I pray that truth will reign and clear the vision of all concerned.
Posted by: Jeanette Morris | June 19, 2010 7:06 PM
We have one who is away right now too... came back, even said, "Mom, you were so right," then went away again. I'll continue to pray, for you all, and for us...
Posted by: Kate J | June 19, 2010 8:17 PM
I'm very sad to hear this Barbara.
Jasmines blog was one of the first I ever read, in fact I can't remember whether I came to find you via her, or the other way round.
I have a friend, not a Christian, whose mother has been terribly neglectful, to the point of being emotionally cruel. She had affairs all through my friends growing up years and J lived with insecurity and a feeling of being invisible and unwanted. She has suffered much and had years of therapy.
She is now nearly 50 and as a consequence of the emotional damage has never known the consolation of marriage and children.
Nonetheless she grasped the importance of forgiveness. She forgave her mother, who is now a frail old lady, and is very kind to her.
It moves me greatly to see how someone who has no faith at all, can rise above her crippling circumstances and be determined to love freely in spite of it all.
Sometimes I grumble about my own mothers shortcomings, but thinking about J's experiences and her generosity towards her mother, is a rebuke to my own lack of love.
At the end of our life, we will be judged on how we loved.
I will continue to pray for all of you.
Posted by: Clare | June 19, 2010 8:31 PM
Oh Momma....I hurt with you. I hurt for you and for your family. I send you much love and prayers.
I'm very sorry to hear this.
Posted by: LadyLovas | June 20, 2010 12:02 AM
Oh Barbara, I am so sorry for your pain and that of your family. I, too, live with a situation similar to yours, but I am one of those siblings who are still in the family, with a sister who has chosen to distance herself from us. I have felt the pain myself, and have seen the pain my parents have suffered over the years as they have seen small glimmers of hope, and then to have seen it gone again. There are also grandchildren involved in our family as well. I pray every day for them and for my sister and my parents. All I can do is take my burden and give it to the Lord and ask Him to carry it for me. He is always faithful to take our suffering and give us eternal hope and grace. I will be praying that He will see you and your family through this as only He can do. Praise God!
Posted by: Your sister in Christ | June 20, 2010 7:47 AM
Dearest Barbara,
My heart breaks for you and your family as you suffer another break with Jasmine and her family. So, so difficult! I am currently praying a Novena to the Sacred Heart of Jesus for my oldest son who causes us much sorrow. I've been spiritually placing him in the Sacred Heart of Jesus. Jesus is helping me to let go and let Him take care of everything and allowing me to feel peace in time of trial. I will keep you and yours in my prayers. Keep fighting the Good Fight! Love, Julie
Posted by: Julie | June 20, 2010 11:53 AM
Barbara, I am so sorry. I can't imagine how deeply this must hurt. I pray that God will fill your heart with peace and comfort, and mind with reminders that, no matter what happened in the past, you are a good mom. I'm sure you know that this isn't your fault but that doesn't make the rejection sting any less.
You are an incredible woman who has clearly been transformed by Christ. I pray that Jasmine will see Him in the grace that you show through all this, have her heart healed, and restore your relationship again.
Sending a long-distance hug,
Jeanette
Posted by: Jeanette | June 20, 2010 4:31 PM
Lifting you and your family up in prayer during this difficult time.
Posted by: A Mac and a Mug O' Joe | June 20, 2010 8:54 PM
I'm so sorry...saying a prayer for you and your family.
Posted by: Barb | June 20, 2010 10:13 PM
Prayers being said, Barbara.
Posted by: KatieButler | June 21, 2010 5:59 AM
Barbara _ I'm so sorry. I will be lifting you all up in prayer.
Posted by: Shannon M | June 21, 2010 9:54 AM
Barbara, I am so sorry.....for all of you.
Praying......
Posted by: von | June 21, 2010 2:44 PM
Barbara,
I'm sorry for the pain your family is experiencing. My own children are all very small so I can not know how it feels to have a child walk away (and I pray I never do), however I find myself both as the sibling of someone who has walked away and as someone who has largely limited my family's interaction with my in-laws. I pray that God's love and mercy will find a way for all involved to work through the issues that are being faced and that unity and peace can be restored both for your family and for mine.
Posted by: Diane | June 21, 2010 3:42 PM
This is sad! Life sure is messy isn't it?!
I am in the trenches with you, I long for my 22 year old to return.
I have learned so much about the Father's love for me as I've experienced so much pain from my prodigal.
Press On Sister, Press On!
Kathy
Posted by: Kathy | June 22, 2010 10:58 PM
Barbara,
You are so beautiful and introspective to have shared your emotions with us. I have the utmost respect for you and for your past decisions. I hope your daughter can find her healing garden and realize the rewards of a loving relationship with her family. None of us is perfect. You remind me very much of my own mother: she admits her human fallibility and feels guilty when any of her children fall away. Don't blame yourelf, Momma. You are a beautiful, soul-baring woman and I believe that you love all of your children with a fervent passion. I am praying for your daughter's swift return.
Posted by: Kate | June 25, 2010 10:37 PM
