July 1, 2010 1:15 PM
Quivering Daughters review - prologue
[This is not my review, but a personal introduction of this particular reviewer]
I must have 20 books in my queue to read for review right now - not to mention that I am behind on our summer reading - Diary of a Country Priest. But some who know me well will understand why I immediately tore into this book and read it in two days.
Where to begin? Well, let's begin when the peace I found in Jesus Christ after committing my life to him March 21, 1987 was shattered by my first encounter with a Christian cult leader in 1989-90. What I learned from this experience was published in 2004 (find it reprinted at Legalism and Christian Cults), which I wrote to help other victims of spiritual abuse walk through the steps from denial to dignity. As with all my life experience - the good, the bad, and the downright ugly - this is another piece for which I thank G od. By negative example, it showed Tripp and me what true Christian leadership is about - not about building up one man's ministry or helping him realize his vision - but about washing the disciples' feet, lifting them up to realize their own potential.
Following that life-changing experience, for 18 years in California and Virginia, our family visited many different evangelical/protestant churches - Baptist, Assembly of God, Episcopal, Presbyterian (PCA), Cornerstone, and numerous non-denominational "Bible" churches.
People accused us of church-hopping, implying that this was a bad thing. In retrospect I see it as a lovely period in our lives and our children's lives in which we were able to see and experience much more about the Body of Christ than if we had been tethered to a limited fragment of that Body. We were always engaged with the people, the leaders and what was going on. And we were able to learn so much.
We were also connected with para-church ministries like Focus on the Family and Family Life Ministries (Tripp and I have been guests of Dr. Dobson as well as Barbara and Dennis Rainey). While we are both leaders by temperament, because of God's early cautionary tale in our walk with him, we especially appreciated ministries which served others without glorifying were always careful.
We were also very sensitive to arrogance and cultism in others. Which is how I became one of a small band of Christian parenting advocates who formed an ad-hoc early warning system about the Growing Kids God's Way Ezzo bandwagon as it swept through churches of all stripes, leaving legalism and division - broken hearts and broken churches - in its wake. That was 1995 - pre-blogs - and at the time ours were like voices in the wilderness.
Fast forward 10 years and I have a blog. Access to information is easy. Fringe Christian groups that were once obscure - led by extremists like Doug Phillips and Michael Perls - grow larger. Their followings grow more intensely cultlike - even as the tragic outcomes become more visible. Spiritually damaged survivors, and even - at the worst extreme - children dead from overzealous application of dangerous discipline methods.
In the past few years, I've done what I can to educate my brothers and sisters in Christ about the absolute wrong of any man who puts himself on a pedestal and encourages others to lift him higher. I've seen the ugliness of these men as they set up their "home churches" becoming priest, prophet and king - accountable to no one and ruling their kingdom absolutely.
In the evangelical/protestant world, what always seemed ironic to me was how the very distinctives they claimed set them apart from Catholicism were all too evident in the small church bodies.
Many pastors we encountered claimed a "mantle of authority" which made infallible everything from their interpretation of scripture to their guidelines for our daily lives - down to how many children you should have, where you should live and what homeschooling curriculum you should use.
Unfortunately, countless congregations not only consent to this authority, but use scriptures like "mark those who cause division" as justification for shunning those who question.
And don't even get me started on works vs faith! The very best church I ever went to was full of righteous people quick to judge Catholics as not Christians because they believed and lived James 2:20 - yet who worked tirelessly to make themselves the best Christians possible.
Many of you know where I'm going with this because many of you know the end of this story - which is that three years ago I reverted to Catholicism (I had actually been baptized Catholic as a baby but not brought up as one). It's a long story - which can be found by scrolling to the bottom of Evangelical to Catholic.
I paid a heavy price. Some of my readers told me I was bound for hell. My pastor hijacked my email list to tell my friends (his followers) not to talk to me 'til he straightened things out, then came to my house and sat on my couch to share cherry-picked verses to tell me why I was in error. But you know what? All that did was confirm what I'd finally figured out - that as a follower of Christ I was on firmer ground and far safer accepting the authority of the Catholic Church which was based on apostolic succession, scripture and tradition. Which while not perfect in the conduct of all its people, the Church was a reliable source of wisdom and truth.
As a Catholic, I found it came naturally to commit to the authority of the church rather than the authority of a particular man or group of men. I felt my free will - as well as my relationship with God (Father/Son/Holy Spirit) was respected. I felt safe.
Three years later I still feel that way. As children thrive with well-defined boundaries, but lots of love and freedom, I feel I have been able to grow spiritually without the narrow vision of some splinter group by which others judge me. It's a relief to be among believers who understand that if God has something to say to me, he will say it himself, that he is not dependent on some other believer's "word of wisdom."
You know how people fault the Catholic Church, saying we believe that the priest is an intermediary between God and man? Why is any splinter sect any different when they elevate a pastor or group of elders or a patriarchal leader somehow more in touch with God than any other believer?
As a former radial feminist, I see many ways feminism damaged the culture. But I will never accept that women are second class citizens who should be subjected to the will of one man - a husband/prophet/priest. This is too dangerous - the isolation and lack of accountability can lead to abuse and spiritual death.
Which brings me to Quivering Daughters
1) To qualify my credibility as a reviewer of a very personal - and bound to be controversial - book
2) To explain how the range of my experience might affect my experience.
One thing I know, as a survivor of spiritual abuse myself, is that the mothers and daughters for whom McFarland writes will need to begin their healing process at the same place I began mine: with the courage to allow God to reveal the truth and the commitment to allow him to heal.
And no matter what, to always be grateful for experience that God will eventually use to help others.
See also: Recovering from spiritual abuse.
Posted in Books, Catholicism, Church Issues, Spiritual abuse | Permalink
Comments
I love this post, Barbara!
Posted by: Melodee | July 2, 2010 4:54 AM
I LOVE to read about your journey Barb! Your honesty is very inspiring and I find myself opening up more than I ever did in my life with my past, not perfect, journey. Thank you.
I hope to help my kids have better morals, by learning through my mistakes, and know that no one is perfect even if they seem to live a perfect sweet life. It takes work. Perfection died on the cross!
Ave Maria!
Posted by: Eileen | July 2, 2010 12:16 PM
Can't wait for your review!
Posted by: Debra | July 5, 2010 10:30 AM
