July 6, 2010 4:17 PM
Quivering Daughters - Hillary McFarland on Patriarchy
It's been a busy week since I wrote the prologue for this review - sharing some of my personal history which has prepared and qualified me to comment on Quivering Daughters
In this first-of-its-kind book, Hillary McFarland takes on the Patriarchal establishment in the biblical manner of Esther - with meekness and truth. I can only imagine the personal pain she has already endured for daring to question the system whereby ordinary men endow themselves with extraordinary power over other believers, grasping beyond fatherhood to become prophet/priest/judge/king in their own homes, and - if they're alpha-males like Doug Phillips - over as many other families as they can sell their spiritual franchise to.
We need to pray for Hillary. We all know what happens to anyone who speaks truth to power - especially in a rigid, legalistic system like Patriarchy. She will be misunderstood, maligned, slandered and shunned. No matter the care she took to help readers understand the best intentions of parents who turned away from a declining culture to raise their children with hope for the future, Hillary will be judged for the painful outcomes described by women who grew up in Quiverfull Families.
So let me add my voice to her compassion for parents who took it to the limit. I certainly concur with their judgment of the culture. And though I chose as a Christian homeschooling mom a more salt and light route, I never judged the more stereotypical Quiverfull Families for turning their backs on society. I just assumed God had different plans for different children; each needed a particular kind of family to grow in. I like to give people the benefit of a doubt - at least until they prove me wrong.
But a few years ago, I had a dust-up with Doug Phillips' devotees which gave me pause. It had to do with a woman he'd excommunicated who decided to speak up about her experience. Even more than the experience Jen described - which was way too closely documented to be absorbed by anyone with the kind of time constraints i have - Doug Phillips' response revealed that she was surely telling the truth.
You see, tyrants are tyrants no matter which side they're on and no matter how vast or puny their domain. They all follow familiar patterns.
I am a recovered feminist, but I am also a follower of Christ, a "joint heir" to the unique spiritual equality Jesus showed us how to live. I am also a woman with unusually strong leadership tendencies who chooses not to lead in manly ways, but who has been a keen observer of leadership among men - in history, politics, stories, the church (see for example Lessons in Leadership)
Tripp's and my early exposure (1988-1990) to a Christian cultleader taught us - ironically by extreme antithesis - what it means to be a Christian leader. A Christian leader does not demand extreme subservience from those in his care, He does not thrust himself upon a pedestal and suck up the energy of his followers so his own gifts can be released.
A Christian leader comes under those in his care and lifts them up so that their gifts may be released. The picture that comes to my mind is Jesus kneeling to wash his disciples' feet. The words that come to mind are the words in Scripture which tell husbands that they should love their wives as Christ loved the church, laying down their lives for her. I'll tell you one thing, I don't find anything wrong with the corresponding biblical injunction that wives submit to their husbands in that context. With both of those components in place - and with the daily help of God - a home would be built on a truly unbeatable spiritual foundation.
But we human beings fall so short, don't we? And unfortunately, the verse about wives submitting became the peg on which the patriarchalists hung their hats. I can think of several high-profile Christian leaders I've railed against over the years because they exploited the sheep-like nature of Christians even as they pedaled their own unChristlike leadership style as models for other Christian parents. Gary Ezzo, Doug Phillips, Michael Pearl - all have one thing in common: a rigid, legalistic, authoritarian model of the family. All are variations on the same theme, but some are more dangerous than others. All make their living selling stuff to believers striving for the same "perfection" each one claims to have achieved in their own homes.
That's powerful stuff. The soft-focus pictures of the Phillips women in period dress, the "joy" pedaled by the Pearls hide an ugly underbelly of cruelty evidenced in their treatment of those devotees who leave the fold and laughing in the face of fatalities caused by overzealous followers.
So do we need a book like Quivering Daughters? Lord, have mercy! Yes, we do!
And as someone whose first mission is to improve our understanding of children so that we may raise them in cooperation with the unique gifts and potentials with which God has endowed them - I am grateful that Hillary had the courage to document the plight of those whose parents were led astray by a system that has relegated grace and mercy to a few old-fashioned hymns. I'm also grateful she chose to self-publish rather than spend a few years looking for a publisher and going through another year of committee meetings, contract-negotiation, and the whole involved editing/publication process.
Is Hillary's book perfect? A critic at Amazon gave it only two stars because it could have used some professional editing. Though QD could use some condensing, I disagree. Hillary is an excellent writer, and I say hooray for her overcoming her own perfection-demanding background, responding to the sense of urgency to serve others by getting this book into their hands as quickly as possible. Women who've been dying spiritually in legalistic homes. Women tortured by feelings of never measuring up. Women thinking there's something wrong with them rather than with their upbringing.
As we sort through the mixed messages we receive regarding womanhood, it helps to study how God sees and interacts with us, Writer Adele Hebert who contributed to Katharine Bushnell's book God's Word to Women, reminds us that:
. . .Jesus never got angry with the women. Jesus corrected five women. They were definitely not rebuked as some commentators/preachers have alleged. Jesus only rebuked the wind, sea, demons, unclean spirits, fever and men.Jesus was more severe with his male disciples than anyone else. He rebuked Peter, calling him Satan (Matthew 16:23). He rebuked James and John for wanting to call down fire from heaven to burn up the Samaritan village (Luke 9:55). And he rebuked the male disciples for not believing the women's testimony (Mark 16:14). However, Jesus never rebuked women.
Let us examine the verses pertaining to women. Notice how Jesus leads them ever so gently, no names, and no harsh critical words. In fact, Jesus always uplifts them, guarding their honor, hearing them, blessing them. . .
In neo-patriarchy, who we are as women becomes lost in the frantic quest of what we do. Roles and responsibilities become as dry as mathematics, This culture stifles grace through pressures cloaked in Titus 2 type language - to be "more submissive," to be "keepers at home," (complete with emphasis, to "have a gentle spirit," and others. Perhaps some of these exhortations are needed, but we must remember that Jesus advocated balance:
Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you pay the tithe of mint and anise and cumin, and have neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faith. Those you ought to have done, without leaving the others undone (Mt. 23:23)Patriarchy is never balanced. And through lack of balance, we lose sight of the heart and will of God, who is more concerned with our being than our doing. God seeks those whose hearts will follow Him, who respond with obedience (1 Samuel 15:22) - regardless of the cost, regardless of cultural norms, regardless even of family
Quivering Daughters (pages 62-63)
And listen to this electrifying passage - where Hillary simply nails the problem:
Fear Is a VerbFear moves. It motivates and speeds us up or slows us down to a halt. For Christians who struggle to know how or what to fight, fear has a radical power, It tempts many Christians who are ruled by it to place their faith in a system of rules, rather than of God:
- When you are afraid of the System, withdraw.
- When you are afraid of the devil, pray.
- When you are afraid of the world, hide.
- When you are afraid of wrong behavior, manipulate.
- When you are afraid of mistakes, add more rules.
- When you are afraid of the government, go off the grid.
- When you are afraid of embarrassment, shame.
While some of these things are good to do - we are commanded to pray, in fact - it's important to note that the only biblically-endorsed fear is the fear of the Lord. In this context, fear denotes reverence, respect and awe. Scripture tells us that to fear God is wisdom (Job 28:28, Proverbs 3:7). But note: fear of anything induced by others is not godly, helpful, or righteous. You, fear the Lord, is the command. This is a self-controlled, healthy fear. But toxic fear seeks to control others.
- When you are afraid of chaos, control.
- When you are afraid of worldliness, control
- When you are afraid of sin, control.
- When you are afraid of temptation, control
- When you are afraid of being too permissive, control.
- When you are afraid of your children failing, control.
- When you are afraid of failing as a parent, control.
- When you are afraid of having rebellious children, . .you control.
Now imagine being a little girl, born and raised within this environment.
(QD, pp. 68-69)
McFarland explores the debilitating effects of fear:
The concept of child sheltering exists as a responsible endeavor to bar the effects of [a defiled society] tainting vulnerable children. Certainly age-appropriate cautions need to be in place. But Christian daughters who have left behind the milk and who chew on the meat of the Word need room for the Holy Spirit and faith to work and grow. And when a consistent, urgent milieu of fear governs every move a family makes, this is counter-productive to quiet, steady faithful living.Whereas faith can move mountains, fear grows and builds mountains
(QD, p. 74)
- and boldly speaks to the sin of authoritarianism in the home, while calling its victims to turn to Jesus for healing:
Woe to the shepherds of Israel who feed themselves! Should not the shepherds feed the flocks? You eat the fat and clothe yourselves with the wool: you slaughter the fatlings, but you do not feed the flock. The weak you have not strengthened, nor have you healed those who were sick, nor bound up the broken, nor brought back that which was driven away, nor sought what was lost; but with force and with cruelty you have ruled them. (Ez. 34:2-4)Authoritarianism, ungodly coercion, and debilitating levels of control never have a place in a godly home. When your earthly shepherds have not fed you, strengthened you, healed you or sought what was lose, but have instead weakened you, broken your spirit and your heart and driven you away - there are inexorable wounds crying out for the grace and mercy of Christ,
While many abuses are committed in Jesus' name, He does not condone them. Repeatedly He reminds us that He is the Good Shepherd who lays down His life for His sheep. . .
(QD, p. 74)
Hillary speaks of the trust children put in the absolute truth of everything their parents say - how it works well when their parents are right, but how devastating it can be when a child grows up and begins to suspect they may have been wrong:
Through unique training, our default position is to automatically question and doubt our own perceptions, which makes it hard to shake the belief that Mom and Dad are automatically right, even after we discover their mistakes, We've been raised to trust them to teach us the truth, to believe that God speaks through them to us, In our minds they should be right; we want them to be, need them to be. Learning otherwise, if and when it happens, is earth-shattering.This is why making a family Christ-centered rather than father-centered is so important and building our house on the Rock, instead of man-constructed theologies. It's why parents need to be humble and quick to acknowledge error and redirect their children to our perfect, heavenly Parent.
[my emphasis because it's so important]
(QD, p. 123)
My personal copy of Quivering Daughters is filled with dog-ears! I wish we were sitting in my living room going through them together. Hillary has so many insightful observations - rooted in experience and scripture (which she acknowledges was good fruit from her parents!).
But I am running so long and you may have read enough - of me, that is. My hope is that the word will spread among those who need it that there is hope and help for women suffering the long-term effects of neo-patriarchy who are ready to embrace the freedom of Christ.
"I give praise to you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, for although you have hidden these things from the wise and the learned you have revealed them to the childlike."Yes, Father, such has been your gracious will. All things have been handed over to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son wishes to reveal him.
"Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest.
"Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for your selves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light."
Don't believe anyone who tells you otherwise. I remember once at the cult/church I attended finding our kindergarten teacher sobbing alone after a day of teaching. When I asked her what was wrong, she said. "Oh, I am so afraid I will never be part of the Body of Christ." Our pastor/glorious leader had given a fire-and-brimstone sermon on the subject the day before.
"But Nancy, you already are part of the Body of Christ!"
That was the moment when I knew we were in a bad place, and that there were some who claimed Christ's mantle who'd found a way to keep people busy doing their leader's will through fear and manipulation. Thank God for those who lead others away from those dead ends to freedom!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I apologize for the wait. I knew this would be a very consuming task. But it is worth if it contributes in any small way to helping the Nancys of the world find their way to an authentic, unmediated relationship with Christ.
You can order Quivering Daughters
Posted in Books, Church Issues, Homeschooling | Permalink
Comments
Thank you sooo much for including my reference in this review. I am doing a series of bible studies, which I hope to put together in a book, about all the women in the gospels, pointing out how Jesus gave women a voice and how He loved women so much. I can email you some articles if you wish. God keep you well, Adele
Posted by: Adele Hebert | July 6, 2010 5:16 PM
Hi Barbara,
I also am a mother of 12 kids and homeschool. This review of Hillarys book is excellent! Thanks for writing it! I have so many friends in the patriarchal movement and it is frustrating to me. My husbands entire extended family is into all the forms of extreme patriarchy, one brother in particular. It is hard to see it and to know that there is NOTHING that we can say that will be received.
Blessing to you!
Posted by: Rebecca Coleman | July 6, 2010 7:38 PM
Perhaps I am a bit confused about which parts of this movement you are criticizing...
I consider our family "quiverfull" in that we choose to accept all the children God has planned for us without choosing to attempt to "control" our fertility. (Having struggled with infertility it is clear we have no control). I had gotten the impression this was a choice that you had also made.
I believe that the Bible does command a woman submit to her husband, and I strive to do that as well, and I hope to teach our children to obey us. I have prayed for wisdom concerning physical punishment and do not feel at peace about it (at this time); we use time outs with our older daughter (2). I know I have not come very far in my parenting journey yet, but I read a lot, and I take what seems right (and Biblically, theologically sound) and ignore what seems wrong and/or theologically inappropriate. I know that I have a tendency to withdraw--I know that God has not given us a spirit of fear--I wish sometimes I could attend a more conservative church but feel where we are now is where God has placed us. I know that to the extent I fear people--Christians or nonChristians--that it is not a Godly attitude, it is something God is working on in me.
Perhaps if I had read the book it would be clearer what parts you are objecting to? Is there some specific parts of this movement that are more cultlike? Some of the most revered figures in the Old Testament are called Patriarchs, and were the leaders of their families--so what part of this new patriarchy is wrong or unBiblical?
Posted by: ycw | July 6, 2010 8:39 PM
You're right, I didn't define my terms very well - partially because these different lifestyles bleed into each other. There are a lot of evangelicals who trust God for their family size who call themselves Quiverfull. Although I used this term as an evangelical, I no longer use it as I am now Catholic and this is part of how my faith is defined.
Which is just as well because the term Quiverfull has started to take on negative connotations in the public's mind - precisely because many of its adherents had become practitioners of patriarchy.
The problem isn't women submitting to their husbands.. The problem is - as I said - men setting themselves up as priests/prophets/judges/kings within their own homes (home church) or insulated, isolated communities.
The problem is when fathers begin arranging their daughters' marriages, forbidding them from leaving home or going to college, following rigid disciplinary systems based on complete subjugation, using corporal punishment that becomes harsh, inappropriate, or deadly.
I hope others who have actually lived under these oppressive situations will add more to help differentiate between christian lifestyles that fall into the normal range and those that we should be worried about.
Posted by: Barbara | July 6, 2010 9:49 PM
You're right, I didn't define my terms very well - partially because these different lifestyles bleed into each other. There are a lot of evangelicals who trust God for their family size who call themselves Quiverfull. Although I used this term as an evangelical, I no longer use it as I am now Catholic and this is part of how my faith is defined.
Which is just as well because the term Quiverfull has started to take on negative connotations in the public's mind - precisely because many of its adherents had become practitioners of patriarchy.
The problem isn't women submitting to their husbands.. The problem is - as I said - men setting themselves up as priests/prophets/judges/kings within their own homes (home church) or insulated, isolated communities.
The problem is when fathers begin arranging their daughters' marriages, forbidding them from leaving home or going to college, following rigid disciplinary systems based on complete subjugation, using corporal punishment that becomes harsh, inappropriate, or deadly.
I hope others who have actually lived under these oppressive situations will add more to help differentiate between christian lifestyles that fall into the normal range and those that we should be worried about.
Posted by: Barbara | July 6, 2010 9:56 PM
When I first got married I was very confused about how to conduct myself in marriage. I went after books that catered to Christian wives and ended up reading patriarchal books that promised a perfect formula for perfect happiness. It was easy for me to be drawn because I am a passive person who doesn't like to make decisions anyway.
I certainly learned the error of my ways after practicing such extreme submission. Since then I have spent a lot of time considering how gender is defined in the Catholic Church.
Posted by: paigeu | July 7, 2010 10:49 AM
These passages seem to indicate a thoughtful book.My question is whether there is a book for men on this subject? I mean if men are not getting the right message then when will the oppression stop?
Laura
Posted by: Laura | July 7, 2010 10:52 AM
Thanks so much for this info. I saw the book was coming out, but I wanted to know if it was merely a tell-all blame game thing, or, a guide for help. Now I know, thanks for the review.
Posted by: Sue | July 7, 2010 11:07 AM
Barbara and YCW- to add to the distinction between Christianity lived out in certain ways (trusting God with your family size for example) and what is being discussed in this book, I think can be summarized as making something a Biblical command that is not in fact a command. One of the most common in the patrio-centric lifestyle is that daughters are to remain at home until married. (in essence being passed from one male authority to another). Now for individual families it might be great for certain daughters to remain home until married, (or any number of other things these families do) the problem is creating a command where God did not. I think it is the principle of first and second things. There are things which are of a greater good that God has set for us, his actual commandments. And then there are things that he calls us to individually that are also good. But any time you take something that is meant to be a secondary thing (let's say loving your husband) and set it above a First thing (like loving the Lord your God) then you are going to lose the good of both things. Hope that makes sense.
Posted by: Tiffany | July 7, 2010 12:19 PM
Barbara: thank you for reviewing this book. Hillary very kindly asked that I write the Forward and I did. I admire Hillary's bravery in giving voice to the many hurt, wounded, broken daughters. Having survived a cultish church myself, I feel a deep kinship with these beloved suffering daughters-in-Christ. I weep for them. And I pray for the repentance of these proud, arrogant men who have hung millstones around the necks of these little ones. Hillary's book is an important read. I hope it gets shared far and near. Thank you again for reviewing it.
With love in Christ,
Elizabeth Esther
Posted by: Elizabeth Esther | July 7, 2010 12:38 PM
Thanks for posting this. I just finished (this afternoon) reading the multi-part story of the family that was so negatively affected by Doug Phillips. As a Catholic, I just cannot understand why otherwise thinking Christians let themselves be judged this way. I mean, I do understand why they might, but it's like Jesus was condemned by the Pharisees. thank God I know I can go to confession and be forgiven without the terrible cross-examination that this family went through.
Posted by: Mary Eckstein | July 7, 2010 1:05 PM
There is a very interesting blog that deals with the harmful effects of the extreme quivering lifestyle and patriarchy to the extreme. Some of these women brought their husbands into the movement. I pray for these women as some of them because of their pain have rejected their faith.
I was struck how a simple truth got distorted and became controlling.
www.nolongerquivering.com
Posted by: chantal | July 7, 2010 4:07 PM
Went over to nolongerquivering out of curiosity and found the sort of "credo" posted by Vyckie, the founder of the site. Sadly it contains paragraphs such as this:
"The Bible is an ancient text written in a time and culture radically different from our own. It was written by men who were privileged enough to know how to read and write ~ and it establishes a self-serving, male-dominated religion which uses the promise of Heaven and the threat of Hell to keep the disenfranchised content in their servitude. (OMG ~ I sound just like Karl Marx.)"
So while I am sorry she or her kids suffered abuse and/or neglect and think her struggles are compelling, I am afraid she has sort of thrown the baby out with the bathwater, here.
It does seem that overly harsh domination can indeed have that effect on women, particularly. We perhaps have a tendency to put up with so much, and then, toss it all.
Posted by: Marie | July 7, 2010 7:01 PM
I've been following the blog quite abit. She has rejected Christianity.
Posted by: chantal | July 8, 2010 9:52 AM
Thank you for a fascinating and insighful review. I really look forward to reading this. I stumbled across the author's blog and she seems well-grounded in her faith and careful not to go to extremes in condemning the Quiverful movement wholesale. We have a couple of Quiverful families in our homeschool group, and one is especially interesting because they haven't withdrawn from society in other respects, as the stereotype goes. They dress in modern fashions, enjoy an occasional drink, play X-box and listen to "Poison" - with 10 children. Just goes to show you can't shove anyone into a box!
Posted by: Rachel | July 8, 2010 3:15 PM
I'm really interested to read the book. I have visited her blog as well as NLQ a few times. My family went through a cult experience. As well, I was deeply into "old paths" type patriarchy in my teens and early 20's. In theory, I suppose I could still be said to agree with many of their interpretations of Scripture, but in practice, we just don't "fit" there. Being a biracial family I have a very hard time romanticizing eras when my marriage would be illegal and my sons would be considered something less than full human beings. :( I dislike the extreme American nationalism that is often involved, since we are also a multicultural family. And we are *big* on education. As in, the goal is Harvard for our kids, girls too. :p
My concern is that people *will* stereotype and try to put us in a box. I am already seeing broad, sweeping statements of "fact" applied to all families like mine--homeschooling, no birth control, conservative theology, conservative politics...It's incredibly frustrating. I can understand the bitterness that grows from the hurt they've experienced, but frankly the stereotyping and hatred is no better than what hyper-patriarchalists do.
I think the term "Quiverfull" sort of solidified in the 80's or 90's as many of these other movements were coming together as well, and got conglomerated or something. But I have been part of the QF email list for years, and have read through everything on the QF website, and cannot see that it's a defined, set-in-concrete movement with a zillion rules to follow. The essence of QF is openness to life, the Protestant version of what Catholicism defines for it's adherents. I have never seen any indication that one must be a prairie muffin to be QF, or a hater of CS Lewis, or a beaten down woman.
Posted by: Margaret | July 9, 2010 9:10 AM
