July 17, 2010 10:18 AM
Teens and chores - keeping a good work ethic as your child grows
Originally published at MommyLife June 18, 2007:
Barbara, I was looking at your site and saw: No More Chore Wars - How to Build a Work Ethic in Your Kids You can't do it all yourself! Start early - using Montessori principles - to instill a team spirit in your kids so everyone can enjoy a happier home and to prepare your children to be winners at life.Okay, here's my question, in all the years you have raised your 4 children with Down Syndrome have you ever had one of them be, how shall I put this...unmotivated? My oldest, 13, doesn't seem to want to attempt to do anything except play playstation, gameboy, computer, etc. Ask him to make his bed, he walks back to his room, waits two seconds and comes out says it's done. Ask him to straighten up his dresser (same response). He seems to want to help but when asked to do a job either doesn't do it or barely makes an effort.
School work isn't done unless you sit over top of him and even then he argues he did it at school.
I guess I miss the little boy that would attempt to do stuff to help. Not sure where he went. The one I have now is perfectly content to let his younger brothers 'show him how' which typically means they do it for him.
CMy reply:
Actually, Down syndrome or not, your son sounds like a typical teenager! Thirteen is a tough age, as 13 year olds are pushing so hard toward independence. In a way, I feel the teen years reflect the issues of the toddler years: I see a lot of similarities in the struggles of 13 year olds and 3 year olds, for instance (and 14/4, 15/5). Just as in the preschool years, it's important to try to develop parenting strategies that head off power struggles - a parental victory following a power struggle is just not the kind of victory you want to have to resort to. I know it may sound odd, but rereading some of the stuff I've written in my books and here about toddlers and independence may help you understand the positive work that is going on under the surface. God created us to be independent and to think for ourselves. We want to raise our kids with respect for their development of this quality - even when they have disabilities - so that they will grow to be adults who make good decisions for themselves and not completely dependent on outer authority.
I think as parents we forget how imperfect we are ourselves - how we struggle with laziness and the desire to entertain ourselves. It helps to understand that we are helping another human being navigate the human condition and learn to reach his potential even as we are still working to reach our own. While our parental authority is final and absolute and there should be no doubt in the child's mind about that, the optimum situation is to raise your child in a manner in which he truly realizes and respects your wisdom and trusts that you are motivated only by love - and not by power - in your guidance of him through the teen years.
When I interviewed teens for Dirty Dancing at the Prom and Other Challenges Your Christian Teens Face (which you can read more about here), that came through very clear: those teens whose parents demonstrated and communicated consistent love understood the wisdom of the boundaries. That's not to say they didn't trust them or argue or balk - but they didn't build up resentment over the long haul. Those who thought their parents were just exerting power arbitrarily had serious problems in their relationships. (I don't usually plug my books a lot, but this is a very helpful, reader-friendly and positive book for parents of tweens and teens and could revolutionize your relationships and help you build better relationships.)
On the practical side, I severely limit playstation, etc because it seems as though boys will do that forever if left to their own devices and while I am willing to think that God may perhaps be building something into them they will need into the future, I still have always tried to teach my kids to be responsible about anything that tends to elicit obsessive/compulsive behavior.
Kids need to learn that work is the most important part of our lives. Try constantly reinforcing the 'First we...then we..." planning; First we work, then we play. (Parents of preschoolers reading this should start now to make this part of your child's character.)
Teach your child to think of play as a reward, something you earn through fulfilling your responsibilities.
My kids have always responded better to written lists. I type them up on the computer with a blank to the left of each chore so they can check each chore off as it is done. They seem to find enormous satisfaction in that and I am saved a bunch of nagging. If Nick does not read, you can use symbols or graphics beside the words.
I know this looks like a lot of work, but it was shared by all my teens on a Saturday morning while I went grocery shopping. I've made much shorter lists, too. And I've separated boys' and girls' chores sometimes. If you think your son might slack and that his siblings would let him, then make separate lists for each. But group lists seem to have brought out the best in my kids and they all go to work doing whatever they like to do best. I think leaving it up to them to divide the work actually leads to less contention than if they started comparing lists and measuring who they thought had the most work.
If you use a list and promise an activity after, then write a lot of chores, because they will work very fast to accomplish everything to reach the activity.Also, you can limit the activity with a timer - and enforce whatever time limits you set. When the kids have done a lot of work, I tend to be more generous with the time.
I also think it's entirely appropriate to motivate children with material rewards - although if I saw that was the ONLY WAY my child would work, I would back off from that. Children of all ages need to understand that their participation in every aspect of the life of the family is necessary, important and has a spiritual component.
Please feel free to add your own thoughts and comments - I get some of my best ideas from you!
Posted in Montessori, Mothering, Teens and Tweens | Permalink
Comments
Hello Barbara,
Our 6 kids are 8 to 18 yrs. old. We stress a "team effort" for our family, and this is why big families have such an advantage over smaller families. Many hands make light work. By receiving the Sacraments which Jesus gave us, we obtain sanctifying grace so powerful that we can achieve anything that God lays on our hearts.
We have chore lists, but most importantly, we have had this posted in our home for 3 years now. Approx. once a month, we read it aloud so everyone understands and remembers the rules. (The first few weeks we read it aloud every night before bed so we were all together on this.)
Dear TEAM GIBEAU:
A family has the most fun when they are working together, learning together, and cleaning up together. We know that being well-organized and being able to find our "stuff" makes life more fun.
Let's maintain a simple and regular schedule for RISING: 7a.m. and BEDTIME: 10p.m.
MEALS: 8a.m., 12:30, 6p.m.
SCHOOLWORK: 8:30-12:30. (times will vary to accommodate sports,jobs,etc.) One reason the military is successful is because external order instills internal discipline.
Let's insist on a courteous tone in our household. Controlling your tongue is the main step in controlling everything else in your life.
1.All requests are accompanied by please, thank you and you're welcome.
2.No bickering among children. No begging. No whining or complaining. No contradicting your parents.
3.Answer Yes Mom / Yes Dad to parents. No other words need to be spoken.
4.When speaking to each other, speak in sentences.
5.Boys can rough house, but no hitting your sister. No slamming doors. No bad language.
6.Control your temper. Learn to put things in perspective. In some places, children are hungry, are homeless, and cannot get medicine or go to school. It is not a tragedy to memorize your math, practice handwriting, finish a book report, mop the kitchen floor, or find out someone was playing with “your stuffâ€. Sometimes we must sacrifice so others can be happy.
Prayer and work are the most important part of our lives. Our motto: Ora et Labora.
Schoolwork and housework come before playtime, computer time or TV! You must have parental permission to turn on the TV, computer, or electronic games. Disobeying = blackouts.
When we learn to live with the basics, we are helping the environment. Do not ask for toys, electronics, or stuff that keeps us from working or learning. Birthdays and Christmas are when you receive toys, etc. Being rich is enjoying the few things you have, and having $ in the bank!
GAINING GOD'S STRENGTH AND BLESSINGS: We gain strength when we get up, get dressed, and are ready to do battle. We gain strength when we work hard and use our time wisely, and avoid laziness. We gain strength when we gain control over our appetites for what we want. We gain strength when we learn to take small problems of everyday life in stride, and save our energy and emotions for larger challenges.
P.S. Examine your life and get to confession monthly. Your mother tries to go weekly, and you KNOW what a saint she is!
_____________________
This seems to have worked for our family, and we have had very little trouble from our kids. Much of this document was taken from the year 2005-2007 writings of Mary Kay Clark, editor of the Seton Home Study School newsletter.
Posted by: Marie | July 17, 2010 6:10 PM
Thanks, Marie. I printed off your response and will see how I can adapt it to our family. Please pray for me. (smile)
Posted by: Sue from Buffalo | July 18, 2010 11:02 AM
I have only one son, but after some experimentation, I've come up with a system that works very well, at least for him.
He has certain chores that are his 'job' around the house -- setting and clearing the table for meals, making his bed, cleaning his room, and taking care of the dog. He can also search for things that need to be done around the house and offer to do them for pay, but only if he's done his own work.
So, if he sees that the living room needs to be vacuumed, I'm busy, and he's done his own chores, he can ask if I would be willing to pay him $1 for it. Usually we negotiate on the price.
For the last two years this has worked both to keep him motivated to do his own chores, and to make him aware of the different things that need to be done around the house.
He doesn't get an allowance like many of his friends, but he always about the same amount of money on hand at the end of a week.
Plus, he's the only seven year-old on the block that knows how to do laundry.
Posted by: Wendy | July 18, 2010 2:50 PM
