October 14, 2010 9:15 AM
Down syndrome, adoption and love that grows
It's been a memory-packed October so far - Nags Head, Jonny as Homecoming King. We had barely unpacked and Jonny was still wearing his crown when we were thrilled to have a visit from Justin's birth parents.
They are from Taiwan, though currently living in Hong Kong. It's been two years since they last here - which was a crazy hectic time as Tripp was in the hospital and a Washington Post reporter was covering our visit.
I love Mark and Carol so much! I wish they lived next door and we could always share in Justin's achievements. His success is very important to them, which is why they asked us to adopt him. He was born while they were here on student/work visas. His birth could have given them citizenship, but they are close to their families and wanted to go home to Taiwan.
Justin was born with some medical issues, and as a mother who went through that with Jonny, I share with Carol the experience of the tender and dignified care given to children with Down syndrome once they make it to birth. Considering that it's only been 26 years since Baby Doe was passed - giving newborns with disabilities the right to medical care - and considering the pressure on women to abort Down syndrome babies, it's inspirational to see how hard the medical community works to save their lives and help them reach their potential.
American families with children with disabilities have much to be grateful for!
When Catholic Charities called in 2000 to ask if I would consider another adoption, I said absolutely no. I was 52-year-old mother of 11, including four kids under 8, three of whom had Down syndrome. (We had only set out to adopt one son and then unexpectedly adopted another when asked.) Jesse had already begun exhibiting signs of autism - and while today he has overcome a lot, in those days the self-destructive manifestations of his extra needs were very alarming. No one had yet figured out that a child could have Down syndrome and autism.
I felt exhausted and incapable of doing much more, and I told the CC worker so. When I hung up the phone, my daughter Sophia - then 11 - said, "Mom, I can't believe you said no. That's not what you taught us."
I gulped and took a leap of faith. After all, I spent a lot of time encouraging others to say Yes to God. Sophia's words encouraged me to continue living my faith. I will always be grateful to her for speaking them - and to the Holy Ghost for prompting them.
I knew that Catholic Charities must be scraping the bottom of the barrel. We were older parents with lots of kids - not the kind of adoptive parents birth parents usually choose. Most people don't understand the advantages of a big family; they think of love as a fixed amount, not understanding that love grows exponentially as parents learn (are forced, really) to surrender themselves.
And indeed, in the six months since he was born, Mark and Carol had met many, many prospective parents (there is a waiting list to adopt children with Down syndrome), but never clicked. In the meantime, they had moved to California - two hours from where we lived in Petaluma.
I will never forget when they came to visit. Samantha and Jasmine were already married and gone, so we had 9 at home 17 and under. It was a lovely day and a lovely visit. And it wasn't long after that we received the call saying Mark and Carol would like us to adopt Justin before they returned to Taiwan. What made them feel secure about our family was that our children were respectful and kind. Can you imagine what a blessing it was to hear that?
We waited four months as Justin had some follow-up surgery that Carol wanted to see him through. Then they came to stay with us for a couple days to make the transition. It was a sad and wrenching time, but by that time Mark and Carol were even more committed to having Justin grow up in the United States.
For nine months, they'd experienced not only the best medical care, but the early intervention and support provided to children with disabilities here in the US. They knew the chances of Justin reaching his potential in Taiwan were very slim. Older people were still superstitious and children with Down syndrome were mostly institutionalized - as they were in the US back in the 50s and 60s. They realized that as an American, Justin would receive a free and appropriate education (thanks to the Americans with Disabilities Act), and become a working, contributing member of society.
Their commitment to Justin and his future meant a huge sacrifice on their part. And their visits - when they spend time with us and observe Justin in his classroom - show continuing commitment and lasting love. We have taught Justin to call his first parents Daddy Mark and Mama Carol. I don't know how much he understands - especially since he doesn't see them often - but I know it's important for him to recognize how important they are in his life.
As I said, I wish they could come live next door and Justin could run back and forth between our houses, enjoying the best of both worlds. In the meantime, we are blessed with cameras and computers to keep our love alive.
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October is National Down Syndrome Month, so I will be running more articles on Down syndrome. Please send me anything you like.
Posted in Disabilities, Down syndrome, Family, My life | Permalink
Comments
What a beautiful story about being open to life. Thank you, Barbara, for saying "yes" to God. You are an inspiration to saying "yes" even when it's difficult--something that we all face from time to time. =)
Posted by: Jen R. | October 14, 2010 9:13 AM
You are such an inspiration! I want all my kids to read this post. I wish you lived next door to us.
Posted by: Jane | October 14, 2010 11:45 AM
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I think this is the most beautiful description of the benefits of a large family I have read in a long time.
Posted by: Elizabeth | October 14, 2010 12:28 PM
Barbara, what a beautiful story. Thank you.
Posted by: Sue from Buffalo | October 14, 2010 1:12 PM
An absolutely beautiful, amazing, touching story. WOW. Choking back tears as I read it. You have a beautiful family, Barbara. What lovely people Justin's birth parents are.
Posted by: Victoria | October 14, 2010 2:14 PM
This made me smile! What a wonderful story! Thank you so much for sharing :) Can you do a story for each of your kids? I'd love to hear them all!
Posted by: Katren | October 14, 2010 4:47 PM
Oh! how this story touched my heart. We have six at home right now--so I know what the big family feeling is like :) You are such a blessing. It is so encouraging to read about your family.
Peace,
Kelly
Posted by: Kelly | October 14, 2010 5:37 PM
this is one of my favorite parts of your life story. thanks for sharing again in a fresh way.
Posted by: JenS | October 14, 2010 5:54 PM
I am with Jane......I want you to live next door to us!!! Your whole family is beautiful.
Posted by: Eileen | October 15, 2010 11:02 PM
