February 24, 2011 1:40 PM
Children in church
I write a weekly column for our church bulletin (you can find them all archived at St. Francis de Sales). Thought you might like last Sunday's:
Let the children come unto HimAt a recent Mass I found myself distracted by two little boys who'd come to church fully equipped with papers, markers and a mom who thought it okay for them to sprawl on the floor or sit on the kneelers using the pew as a desk. What about marks on the fabric? What about their squabbles? What about their staring at the people behind?
While people have asked me to write about children behaving badly in church, I've shied away from the subject, using such opportunities - as I suspect many do - to practice forbearance and love.
After all, Jesus said, "Let the children come unto me."
But are children acting up in church coming to Jesus just because they're there? Or are they actually being distracted from coming to Jesus because we underestimate their capabilities and/or don't understand their need to develop self-discipline, consideration for others, reverence, stillness, and curiosity about our faith?
Our opportunity each week to bring our children to Jesus is as real as it was for mothers privileged to see him when He walked the earth.
Here are a few ideas:
Rethink your own attitude toward Mass: Do you go because you have to - or because you can't resist the opportunity to be close to Jesus and to receive his grace? Do you complain? Or does your child see your enthusiasm and love of Jesus drawing you near each week?
Avoid distractions: Food does not belong in church - period. Packing toys and coloring books sends the message that church is not satisfying and that children are not expected to participate in what is going on at Mass..
Respect the child's capabilities: Maria Montessori taught that the child's capacity for self-discipline and orderly conduct are best developed in the preschool years. A child can be taught to sit still for an hour - look around the church to see many examples. Parents who expect more of their children are actually beginning a process which will result in a confident and purposeful adult.
Teach good manners: It is never too early to teach a child to be aware of how their behavior impacts those around them. Staring is rude in and out of church.
In the beginning, you may want to use the reward system. When one of our special needs kids went through a brief period of acting up, we promised him French fries after church if he was good. With another child, I made an index card with a green smiley face on one side and a red frowny face on the other, so without a word I could remind him when he was out of line.
The goal is self-awareness and self-discipline - and there is a spiritual reason for it.
Like a city whose walls are broken down is the man ho lacks self-control.
Proverbs 25:28In ancient times, cities had walls to protect them from enemies. Our ability to control our impulses keeps us safe from self-destruction. God built the sensitive period for developing this self-control into children before the age of five. What better place to partner with God in developing our children's self-control than in His very presence?
A child with self control is free - free to learn and to grow, free to develop reverence, free to feel the presence of God, free to experience the loving stillness which will bring him to Jesus when it is no longer our job.
"I was glad when they said to me, 'Let us go into the House of the Lord.'"
Psalm 122:1
If you are interested in reprint rights for this column, or possibly subscribing to my weekly church column, please email me to discuss.
Posted in Church Issues, Mothering, Preschoolers, Spiritual education, Toddlers | Permalink
Comments
I need more suggestions! I long to go to church my background is the love for singing his praises in choirs but now with 3 children and a husband deployed to afghanistan, I struggle to go to church with 3 children. I dont get as much out of church like I use to because Im constantly fighting them to behave and sit still and quiet. My 8 year old is wonderful, my 4 and 2 year old are the major struggle. Its to the point, I would rather go to morning mass without them than deal with the stress with them on sundays. They NEED god and church but without that extra set of hands to help and no nursery at our church I feel defeated! Thanks a struggling mother
Posted by: Megan | February 24, 2011 2:47 PM
Barbara, as a parishioner at St. Francis, I really enjoyed reading this column the other week. I have 2 young boys (ages 7 and 5). While they have certainly had their moments at Mass, especially when they were a bit younger, I have to say they have never been too much of a challenge. I'd like to think it's because my husband and I have set clear expectations about their behavior, as well as consequences. We've never allowed snacks or coloring or toys. We let the kids bring along the MagnifiKid booklet, and I picked up great little Catholic kids' books pertaining to Mass and the faith in general at the Christian Shoppe in Purcellville (they were extremely inexpensive) that they can read. It always puts a smile on my face when someone compliments me after Mass, telling me how well behaved my children were.
Posted by: Elizabeth Boyko | February 24, 2011 5:55 PM
This is a subject that is close to my heart and ended up being the reason my family and I left the parish I was confirmed, wed, and my son was baptized in. I was accosted verbally by an elderly female parishioner AND the rector because my son made noises that all 2 year olds make, plus he'd toss in the occasional "AMEN", usually at the 'wrong' times. I was told that he needed to be in the nursery or cry room (for saying Amen?).
Long story short, we ended up transferring to a parish closer to our home (and that my husband grew up in), which is the most welcoming of children I have EVER seen.
http://standrews-gp.org/children.aspx
They offer a wonderful Sunday School program and Children's Chapel (offered during the first half of the service) that actually teaches the children how to behave during Mass while including a Bible lesson.
A very small collection of coloring books and crayon boxes is available in the back of the church for the little kids to grab on their own but I've noticed that George barely touches those any more, the parish is small enough that he has begun to be more interested in what's going on "up front" and is actually learning to participate. Week before last he even started quietly repeating the priest during the Eucharist.
Posted by: Courageous Grace | February 24, 2011 6:11 PM
Megan,
Do you have any friends at your parish? I found the best thing to do with George was when my husband served at the altar as an acolyte, I sat with people I normally didn't who helped "bookend" George by keeping him from running off. I think the added pressure of having someone different sitting next to him also helped him behave. Don't be afraid to ask a stranger for help!
Posted by: Courageous Grace | February 24, 2011 6:15 PM
Megan, can your 8 yr old help with the 4 yr old? I, too, have a husband that is deployed and my five can be a struggle at Mass. But I've gotten to the point that I no longer fear going because life is what it is and if someone sees me struggling and they offer help, I take it. I do make my 11yr old and 8yr old help out though because my 3yr old and 1yr old can actually start a fight right there during Mass because I'm holding one or the other. It's not funny nor fun to have that happen on my lap so I'm always doing the baby shuffle.
But early training... keep training. It will come through and eventually you'll get to the point that the people with one child will tell you "How did you do it? I can't even get ONE to sit still for 15 minutes during Mass and you have all five behaving during all of Mass AND you're by yourself." It will bear fruit, just be patient.
Like Barbara said, I got my 3yr old to look for things in Church. And i don't pick things that are SO obvious, like the American flag which is huge and hanging in a prominent position. I make him look for the ciborium (yep, I use that term too), I make him look for a statue of Mary (hard in a non-denominational military chapel, as I'm sure you understand that too). I make my 11yr old hold the Misselette for the 5yr old and use her finger to follow along with the readings.
You can do it Megan! Take one Sunday at a time. And pray to each childs' Guardian angel. And have faith and confidence of your ability as a military spouse. You're a strong woman and God will give you the grace to handle each Sunday ON Sunday, not before. I pray on my way to Mass and ask God to help me with my children and then when we enter the Church, I feel as if I'm handing them off to God. I'll get them back after Mass. And to be honest, I've had one *really* bad Mass (the baby wasn't feeling too great, she was teething and the 3yr old was tired, therefore CRAAAAAANKY and wanting momma's lap)... otherwise, the rest have gone well.
Good luck!!!!! :) :) From one milspouse to another, you'll be in my prayers! :)
Posted by: Dirtdartwife | February 24, 2011 9:18 PM
I brought each of my children to Mass starting from just a couple of days old. Yes, they needed to be taken out occasionally for a break, drink of water, run around a bit, but they all learned to sit quietly and patiently. How did this happen? I guess they saw that the grown-ups were sitting quietly, and everyone knows little kids want to be grown-up more than anything, and they knew that being quiet and listening was expected. I made sure each of my 4 boys was involved as an altar boy from the time they had received 1st communion, so that gave them something to be involved in, and helped them see close up what the Mass was all about.
Posted by: Mary Eckstein | February 25, 2011 5:59 AM
Thanks for this post!
For more suggestions, I recommend the book "Parenting in the Pew" by Robbie Castleman. She's the wife of a Presbyterian minister and always had to sit with her boys by herself. She has a perspective similar to Barbara's, and her emphasis is on teaching kids to worship.
Posted by: Deborah | February 25, 2011 8:18 AM
I don't go to mass I go to service at an Evangelical church. I did go to mass when I was a child, and although my parents weren't believers then, (it was more a ritual than a profession of faith) I enjoyed and remember the tradition with fondness.
My church offers nursery and children's church but our 4 children under 8 y.o. stay with us during service. I believe a family shouldn't be broken apart to worship, they should worship together. I have been questioned about this many times... recently every Sunday our position is defied because right after announcements the Children's pastor invites all children to go downstairs. WE stand our ground and our children stay with us. :)
It has been a battle from the beginning, from the children behaving properly to people trying to break us apart. But through the battle we all have benefited as well as others. I have grown in patience and love toward my children. They have grown in understanding of the Word of God and what church time is about and they truly enjoy being with us. Others have benefited from seeing my children dance, sing and worship freely during service. Some have gotten surprise hugs when a toddler has walked toward them and asked to be picked up. I have seen many smiles, and even tears of regret and reminiscence. I have heard compliments and comments like "I had 5 too so I know what you are going through."
I think worship is much more than just getting fed by what is preached, singing a few songs, or our children sitting properly and quietly. There is so much ministering going on when the saints get together to worship the Lord. People are ministered in more ways than one can imagine, after all it's the Lord's doing not ours. :)
Posted by: tereza crump aka MyTreasuredCreations | February 25, 2011 10:15 AM
We have had a broad spectrum of experiences with our 8 kiddos. We've had the ones who behaved perfectly from babyhood to a tyrannical screamer to an inconsolable crier. We all survived. I never allowed food, but only children's picture bible or devotional books. We practiced the "bookending" technique, or sat between the squabblers. We did have to take out the inconsolable ones fairly frequently for a period of time, until they could get a grip on themselves. Older kids assisted the younger ones. Donuts after church helped immensely (only for the well-behaved!), but I think the best help was the kids seeing OTHER kids standing, sitting, kneeling properly in the pews ahead. Also helped me, when I began to doubt that such behavior was even possible!
Posted by: Kate J | February 25, 2011 12:49 PM
I get rather frustrated with posts about children behaving in church. People tend to be rather judgmental. Rather than being grateful and thanking parents for caring enough to try and bring their children to mass and pass on their faith people would rather criticize and condemn people. Before you try and judge someone else you rally should try and walk a mile in their shoes. I have 4 children, twins now 5, a 3 year old, and a 19 month old. At this point we have stopped going to church and watch the dioceses mass on TV for shut ins. It makes me rather sad that my children can't experience mass but our church does not have a crying room or any room to take children to. My husband and I spent more of our time outside the mass than in so no one got much of anything out of it. It is a great idea for older children to help with younger children, but not everyone has children old enough to do such a task. In addition other factors come into play. Some children have autism, and other health issues. Do you expect the same level of attention from these children? But then how do you as an outside observer know if a child has autism? Most likely you do don’t and yet you pass judgment on these children and their families. My son for example has added challenges of hyper behavior when he gets any type of food coloring in his diet (do you have any idea how many products have food coloring? We strive to keep it out of his diet but sometimes it slips in). My other son has a speech delay and other developmental delays which add to our families struggles in achieving focused well behaved children in church. It has always saddened my to see articles about children in church since from my experience most parents are truly trying their best and maybe people should try and find a way to help these parents and make their job of passing on their faith to their children a little easier rather than judging them and making them feel unwelcome in Gods House.
Posted by: Diane | February 25, 2011 1:53 PM
Hi Diane -
I hear your passion, but I think you're feeling unnecessarily defensive.
First of all, you need to know that I have 12 children. Four of them have Down syndrome (we adopted three after our son was born). Two of those actually have autism as well. I have actually found that I had to expect a higher standard of them as people were quicker to notice when they were out of line than when normal kids were out of line.
In the article above, I was addressing parents who seem oblivious to their children's behavior. It has broken my heart sometimes when a kid in front of our family stares at one of my sons for long periods of time and the parents don't seem to notice. For one of my sons in particular, this really pushes his buttons and yet he is required to behave.
It's the obliviousness of parents that puzzles me.
I also think that parents have lower expectations than they should for their children. And I thought I was clear that my observations were based on Montessori principles. I've taught 25 children under five with one aid in my classroom, because if you know Montessori principles, it's possible - that's why I wrote my books for moms.
I also have had four kids under five - three with Down syndrome.
No one is judging parents who are trying hard. But I will admit to judging parents who truly seem not to care. And I was suggesting some ways we all can improve.
Many of us have indeed walked many miles in your shoes and are trying to pass on the things we've learned.
Posted by: Barbara | February 25, 2011 2:14 PM
Yes, we use the little children's Mass books - but we also prepare for Mass by speaking highly of it and talking about spending time with Jesus :)
Posted by: Barbara | February 25, 2011 2:16 PM
i completely agree with you, Tereza - I want my family together in church on Sunday morning. When we were evangelical, except for one period where our teens went to teen worship in a Baptist church we were attending - and they stopped after a short time because they said the kids were disrespectful - we always kept our family together.
We also sit in the second row. Then there are fewer distractions and the children can focus on what is going on in the Mass.
Posted by: Barbara | February 25, 2011 2:19 PM
