March 18, 2011 6:22 PM
Perfectionism? Advice for moms?
Dear Barbara:I had this thought running around my head lately, and it occurred to me to toss it out to you. I don't recall you posting about it in the past. What do you recommend to mothers and children who both have tendencies toward perfectionism? I picked up the trait from my mother, and now I see it in my oldest daughter (who is about to turn 6). It has been crippling to me in the past, and I am still fighting it.
I wonder how I can help my daughter avoid the same.
Readers, I need your help with this one. I do not suffer from perfectionism I might have long ago before I had all these kids and had to accept the fact that I would never do anything perfectly again. But that was so long ago, I can hardly remember.
My general impression is that perfectionism leads to unhappiness because we can never be perfect. What insight, advice, encouragement or cures can you share?
Posted in Mothering | Permalink
Comments
My personal experience with perfectionism (which I touched on in a comment on a previous post) seems to be born out of a combination of problems in my past and my personality. In my drive to do things "perfect", they must also be done "MY" way.
With a history of being abused as a child by my father and somewhat emotionally neglected by my mother, I have a frustrating need to control my environment. I also have a tendency to desire things be ordered (such as lining up items, clothes hanging all the same direction, etc.) and get very irritated when they don't.
I discovered that my 3 year old son (who has not, thank God, experienced anything like my own childhood) also likes things ordered and lined up. If his toys aren't put away in exactly the right places, he gets upset. I really don't think he necessarily learned it from me...I pretty much don't care how he cleans his room as long as I'm not stepping on Matchbox cars.
My need to control has sometimes resulted in panic attacks (shallow rapid breathing, increased heartrate, inability to think straight, sweaty palms, etc.), and like your letter writer has said, can be crippling.
The best treatment I have found is going to therapy. There I have learned techniques to "let things go", pick my battles, and that it's okay to not have everything be 100%. I've given up trying to organize everyone's closet and now just make sure my own clothes are hung correctly. If my husband's shirt is wrinkled because of the way he hung it, it's HIS problem to deal with! I've taught my son to hang up and put away his own clothes and if it takes me a few seconds longer to find something it's not a big deal.
It just takes a long time, a lot of willpower, and the support of your immediate family (those whose home you share ^_^)
Posted by: Courageous Grace | March 18, 2011 10:39 PM
Have more kids.
Guaranteed cure.
Posted by: Kathie | March 19, 2011 2:03 AM
This must begin with the disclaimer that I can't know if this works long-term, but I've found it helps to look at motivation, and discern heart issues as much as possible (prayerfully, of course!).
I am a 3rd-generation "mother of the world," second gen perfectionist, and see it in my daughters as well.
It's usually based on an effort to control, but not always because the individual is controlling. It can just as easily come from fear (of rejection, of consequences, or simply of extra work), or having a vision of what is possible (with or without the skill to bring it to pass).
I think for some personality types you might even have "instant extrapolation" of terror or disappointment: if I can't get *this* right, how will I ever..."
These last two: knowing the ideal w/o being able to attain it, and instant extrapolation, can result in very real grief, that (as a former perfectionistic child) I would beg parents not to ignore or invalidate. The grief is very real, and as much as you want to guide your child into the truth (You don't have to be perfect!) don't do it by skipping or minimizing the hurt.
I have held my weeping 6-year-old while she wails that she'll NEVER be able to make a 5 look correct (Praying all the time for patience!), and urged her to try again anyway. To be imperfect before she can improve. And I have ferociously guarded her from real or imagined judgment by any other voice (e.g., little brother watching over her shoulder) because she needs to learn to quiet her own voice before I'll add to her burden.
I've found that keeping steps very small helps, so the deficiencies are less stark than otherwise. Also putting things in a story-framework helps-- either the reminder that nothing happened all at once, or the image of a journey toward the goal. (We read lots of folktales in our home, so we have a collective pool to draw from.)
Try very hard not to criticize the child's standards, and instead to guide them into the truth that "perfection" is earned. That everyone who's good at something has worked for it. (I wonder how many perfectionistic children are "gifted" and therefore get some things so easily they forget there was time involved. But that's another discussion.)
Those are my off-the-cuff. I am not in the camp that thinks perfectionism is "bad" or needs to be "cured" (by overload or otherwise). It only becomes bad when not attaining it immobilizes you. For that reason shifting to a process- (rather than product-)orientation can be helpful.
Posted by: Amy Jane (Untangling Tales) | March 19, 2011 9:20 AM
I'm a perfectionist raised by perfectionists, and I struggled very hard with it and still do. I too found therapy very useful.
The other thing I've found useful is to really hold onto a few things from the gospels very tight. One is the Mary and Martha story. The other is how Jesus's disciples again and again are confused, muddled, weak, inept, etc....AND JESUS IS RIGHT THERE WITH THEM! And he still loves them, guides them, forgives them, never gives up on them. He doesn't expect perfect from us either.
As far as transmitting it to the kids, I try hard to emphasize the process rather than the result, and I try to take into account the child's strengths and weaknesses. I praise a lot for effort, sticking with it, trying hard. I praise for getting a 100, yes, but I try to praise more for "sticking with the studying" or "learning from your mistakes last time". However, if I know a child can do something in their sleep, and is being lazy, then I do say things like, "I know you can do this. You are being lazy. Let's get to it!".
Nonetheless, I often wonder if I'm doing "not making my kids stressed by perfectionism"....perfectly! :) It's really a battle, isn't it?
Posted by: Jill | March 19, 2011 6:56 PM
