March 7, 2011 10:31 AM
Tantrum-Proof Your Child: help's on the way!
Debra asked me to re-run this 10/4/07 post and to finish this series which was somehow interrupted.
This will be the first of the series Tantrum Proof Your Child, which I will be adding to in the weeks to come. There will be an icon in my sidebar, so check back for more.
Yesterday at the Leesburg Ross all the shoppers were looking at each other helplessly as we witnessed one of the worst cases of mothering I've ever seen. Actually, maybe it was a bad day for kids everywhere as it seemed like every store I went in had a toddler screaming in the background and a mother who kept shopping through it all.Moms - when your child needs a break, they need a break. It's just part of being mom that you have to be flexible, to put your needs aside and get your child into a better emotional state before continuing with your own plans. If you're at a play or movie or concert, that means getting up and taking your child out into the lobby or parking lot or car. If you're clothes shopping, it may mean that you just have to go home without what you came for.
That said, I do believe it is possible to tantrum-proof your kids. I really do. I've had 12 kids and just have not experienced the meltdowns I see all too frequently - with parents who seem to take it in stride, like it's just what you have to expect from children.
Believe me, it's not. A child whose needs for independence are met at home - and whose parents understand and are trying to teach even their youngest children respect for others - will not be involved in these kinds of power struggles in public.
One of the reasons I became a Montessori teacher was because reading Maria Montessori's book The Absorbent Mind and watching my first daughter - Samantha Sunshine - prove to me that everything this wonderfully wise woman observed in children was true, led me to trust her ideas for how to educate them. Montessori's concept of preparing an environment to meet the needs of children under six - and her belief that through that prepared environment a child would thrive intellectually and emotionally resonated with me - which led me to return to college and then go on to the Montessori Institute for a year of advanced teacher training. Later, as a teacher, I saw these ideas work in classrooms ranging from inner-city schools with kids below the poverty level to schools with a majority middle class Asian population to the most affluent Marin county schools.
I never dreamed someday that I would have 12 children or that I would homeschool them. What a gift I was given to have the background to prepare a home environment and learning atmosphere that would fulfill my children's needs!
I'm not boasting at all here. But just as if I saw a friend struggling with a health issue I'd want to share the things that had worked for me to keep my family well, when I see desperate and unhappy children with mothers either desperate or ignoring or brutal in their response, I just want to put my arms around them and say, "There is a better way."
There is a better way.
I'm going to start running some stuff I've run before at MommyLife for the benefit of new readers - as well as maybe a reminder and encouragement to those of you who've been around a while. I've been privileged to hear from many of you how putting some of the ideas I share here has radically changed your relationship with your children and your everyday life.
You can always access a lot more information through the Categories tab at the top - or by doing a search at my personal Google in the right sidebar for Montessori, preschoolers, spiritual development, character, etc.
You can order my books and read them. I always feel a little awkward pushing my books, but you need to know I wrote them because I believe they truly can help moms find the keys not only to their children's hearts but to unlocking the joy of motherhood and raising kids. I've written in a reader-friendly style that respects how little time moms have for fluff and nonsense and how little patience for pomp and preachiness. I've written to encourage and not to scold. It would break my heart to think that anyone felt a greater burden after reading my books - though I want to present ideals to work toward, I believe ideals should lift us up, not weigh us down.
Moms, you need to know that those days when you feel discouraged and as though you didn't do enough - that type of thinking is not exclusive to moms. Teachers feel that way too. In fact, your husband may feel that way too when he comes home from work. So don't take those feelings of guilt seriously - they will only get in the way of your joyfully tackling the next day.
But do realize that to make the most of these years with your children you need to develop more understanding and work on new skills.
Does it seem I've gone far afield from my observations of yesterday? What I like about writing my blog is the feeling I get that we're sitting together having coffee (or tea) while our kids played in the background. I've been a mom for 38 years and I'm still raising six children (eight with the big guys are home from college). I KNOW this life. I know your struggles and the tremendous amount of energy it takes to keep going when sometimes it seems like there is so little reward. I want to help in any way I can.
When I see a mother like the ones I saw yesterday with kids out of control - coping by gentle persuasion, brutality, and even ignoring - I'm not indignant. I just feel like crying and putting my arms around them.
There is a better way - not based on stopping the tantrum, but by never even getting to the point where they would happen.
It is possible to meet the child's developmental needs in such a way that he or she has inner peace and stability. It is possible to develop patience and flexibility and respect for others even in the youngest children. And it's not based on clamping down and outside discipline, but on instilling a sense of order and inner discipline.
This is what I'll be concentrating on here for a while. I hope you enjoy the series!
Read the original comments - and feel free to add your own now,
Read future entries at Tantrum Proof Your Child
Posted in Montessori, Mothering, Preschoolers, Tantrum-Proof Your Child, Toddlers | Permalink
Comments
We've noticed that one of our kids has HORRIBLE tantrums if he's eaten gluten. His tantrums were downright scary before we know gluten was an issue for him. He would beat his head for example on the floor. (My husband saved him from once almost doing it on a concrete floor at the store.) He would just go nuts it seemed and we didn't know why it would be so severe. Now that he's off gluten (and food colorings and dairy), both the severity and frequency have dramatically reduced.
We talked to a lady who works at a day care last year when we were new on this diet restriction. She was skeptical as she said in her 15 yrs of working with kids "They all act like that." Well, if that's true, my thoughts on that would be that they are all on dairy, food colorings and gluten and need to come off! It's inflaming their brains!
Posted by: Michelle | March 8, 2011 7:21 AM
I know I've seen the problem with my son and food coloring. It makes him bounce of the walls and unable to focus or listen. Before I figured out the connection I was beside my self thinking I might need to medicate this child or something because the family could not function. However I've found that if food color is avoided my son is a hard working, delightful boy. The effects are striking and I think it is something people need to be made aware of. I think many children probably end up getting medicated when what they really need is to be detoxed from chemically hyped up food products.
Posted by: Diane | March 8, 2011 2:35 PM
The comments about kids' reactions to food products are really interesting. What foods or additives are the most likely culprits? How soon after eliminating them from the diet do you see a change in behavior?
Posted by: Marisa | March 8, 2011 7:02 PM
Thanks Barbara, for re-running this! I look forward to more when you get the time. Love ya!
Posted by: Debra | March 9, 2011 11:25 AM
Marisa,
The most dramatic thing I noticed when we first went off gluten was how quickly and severely he would deteriorate after giving him a little gluten. An example. While out one day, we needed a quick bite to eat. We bought the kids a McDonald's hamburger. I'd say within 20 or 30 minutes, my son was thrashing around and going absolutely NUTS in his car seat. It was HORRIBLE. We've been off gluten since last June as best we could. (You'd be amazed at how it's in stuff you would have never guessed.) The lady that told us about gluten issues said it might take 6 mos to heal his gut. He has definitely shown improvement over that time. I would not ever knowingly give him even a single bite of gluten containing food now!
I've heard of food coloring reactions, gluten, and casein (sp? In dairy products) so we avoid those 3 things. I don't know if the other things I have heard about (nuts, eggs, corn, etc) would cause behavioral issues or not.
Posted by: Michelle | March 9, 2011 1:58 PM
I found an article that gives some more info about the food color issue....http://medheadlines.com/2008/07/01/food-coloring-linked-to-hyperactivity-says-advocacy-group/
I've found for my son that red 40 and yellow 5 seem to have an almost immediate effect. If my son has the food coloring I can usually see an effect in about 10 to 20 minutes. I've also found that in my daughter there does not appear to be any effect. It does not seem to impact all children.
Posted by: Diane | March 9, 2011 2:12 PM
