March 11, 2011 3:55 PM
Tantrum Proof Your Child: growing as a parent
Debra asked me to finish the series I never finished a few years ago. I reprinted Tantrum Proof Your Kids - part 1 the other day and there were some great responses. In fact, since the issue of food sensitivities was brought up, I intend to devote an upcoming post to providing more information and links. Because the bottom line with any issue we have with our kids is that we should first eliminate any physiological causes. If you have thoughts or resources on this, please email me so I can include your input.
I have set up a Tantrum Proof Your Child category with a button in my left sidebar. That way you can access it and share it with others. Each post will address a different facet of the problem - in no particular order, just as the Spirit moves me.
I'm hoping that through considering many different aspects, some things will resonate. One child may be having tantrums or undesirable behavior because of food allergies; another may have a low irritability threshold; yet another may be frustrated by a home situation that makes him feel powerless and out of control.
What works to help one child may not help another child at all - even within the same family. Our Creator has an infinite number of designs and he lovingly creates us as individuals. Each child He gives us is like a gift which we will unwrap and nurture and grow to better understand as time goes by.
I have children - and maybe you do too - who were devastated by a disapproving look. But there were definitely others who required a lot more energy. I also believe in spanking as a last resort for defiant and/or dangerous behavior - not in anger and always with warning. That has cost me a few readers, but I wouldn't be much of a leader if I changed my convictions because less experienced moms got mad at me. Most of my children are grown now and I don't think any of them have a problem with the way they were raised (oh, well I don't really know how the one who divorced the family many years ago feels about these issues).
Whatever you do, don't think that because something worked with one child it should work with another. One of the blessings of being a Christian parent is that it requires you to always be listening for the still, small voice that will show you the right way to proceed. Sometimes that way may seem completely illogical. Often it requires some spiritual growth on the part of the parent.
Here's the deal: we all start parenthood as grown-up children ourselves. Unless we grew up as oldest children in a big healthy family with lots of younger siblings, we really know very little about the fine art of parenting. Everything we eventually know is acquired through on-the-job training. Like anyone who takes a risk to start something new, we make a lot of mistakes. And as in any other endeavor, those who are humble enough to see their mistakes without falling apart are able to learn more quickly than those who either refuse to admit their lack of expertise or allow their guilt to paralyze them.
Being a parent is a humbling experience - in the sense of humility as an ability to see yourself as God sees you. While it's helpful to have a plan, you may find that it doesn't always work. Which means that in addition to humility, flexibility is also crucial.
Then there's patience - not just with your kids but with yourself. Because it takes a long time to become a good parent. Oh, but what about all these blogging moms with two or three kids who seem so full of wisdom? The problem with moms with kids under 16 - even with 10 kids - is that they have only just begun the marathon of motherhood. I know it doesn't seem like it, because it is such hard work learning to balance it all and to find joy in bringing up toddlers. And for young megamoms, there's a lot of reason to feel proud when you've accomplished so much and things are looking so good.
That's where I was in the 90s. I had the answers to everything. I looked at my kids and was very pleased with myself. Things were going according to my plan.
Now I see that it's a wonderful thing that God loves us enough to take us beyond that place. Because the parenting thing isn't just about our relationship with our kids, but our relationship with God. And God isn't finished with us until we are broken, because until we are broken, our hearts are just not tender enough to see the way things really are.
How does this fit with the topic of Tantrum Proofing Your Kids? Because one thing we need to consider with a child who engages in power struggles is that the parent may not have yet outgrown his/her own need for control - and this need for control may exacerbate whatever problem the child is having. As young parents, we are still growing up ourselves. We haven't spent decades yielding our egos and our desires in service to others. We still feel entitled to call all the shots, and we may take unnecessary offense when we are inconvenienced or our will is thwarted - especially by someone 1/4 our size.
Try not to take your child's behavior personally. When you are feeling drawn into a power struggle with your child, try to let go of your emotions (give them to God), step outside the conflict and think of yourself as a guide who wants to lead your child out of the terrible place he is in.
Because the fact is that a tantrumming child is an a terrible and scary place. What we should feel when we look at a child consumed by emotions is compassion. And everything we do to deal with the situation should come from a spirit of compassion and love. How can I help this person who is obviously hurting and so far from God's plan?
Does that mean that our response will be all kissy kissy Kumbayah? Maybe sometmes, but not always. Because love as God calls parents to administer it includes discipline and preparation for the future. And referring back to the beginning, different children and different situations will call for different responses. We must be completely dependent on God and willing to try different approaches until we find the right one.
Upcoming posts in that series will discuss different approaches, strategies, techniques. Please feel free to send me specific anecdotes you've experienced with your children. Tell me how you came to find something that worked to lift your child into a better spiritual place.
Because just as we go through spiritual battles, so do our children. The work we do during these early years becomes part of their early spiritual foundation. It is here they will begin to learn how to handle disappointment and frustration which will always be part of their life on earth.
But before we get into specific strategies, it is important for parents to search our own hearts to ensure that we are not creating stumbling blocks for them. Children are intuitive; if a child senses a tendency to power struggle in the parent (or teacher - I've seen this happen) he will push to win. And no one wins in a power struggle.
The best thing you can do as a parent is to develop the ability to stand outside and watch what it going on objectively/ through God's eyes. Remember that any conflict with your child is not about someone winning and someone losing, but about praying/sensing/listening our way to an outcome that will be pleasing to God and also helpful in taking your child a little closer to living a purposeful joyful life in Christ.
I'm not trying here to overly-spiritualize the problem. I'm laying a groundwork for the much more specific advice that will follow. This is just the starting point: an honest look a ourselves as parents and a willingness to grow.
I know some of you will be looking at yourself and the parenting process in a different way. If so, you should start to feel a difference - and in parenting, even a small difference is cause for rejoicing!
Posted in Preschoolers, Spiritual education, Tantrum-Proof Your Child, Toddlers | Permalink
Comments
Oh, but what about all these blogging moms with two or three kids who seem so full of wisdom? The problem with moms with kids under 16 - even with 10 kids - is that they have only just begun the marathon of motherhood.
Thank you for this! I'm 30 with four 9 and under, and I tend to not take any parenting advice from someone unless they have nice, responsible grown kids and some grey hair!! ;-)
Posted by: Marisa | March 11, 2011 3:43 PM
Looking forward to this! I have 6 kids, ranging from 3 to 17. Good to have some refreshment concerns tantrums. I have one who flipped out 5 times today. I would love to know what his issue is, deep down, but I don't think he even knows what his problem is today.
Posted by: Sue | March 11, 2011 8:02 PM
Because one thing we need to consider with a child who engages in power struggles is that the parent may not have yet outgrown his/her own need for control - and this need for control may exacerbate whatever problem the child is having.
I realized this very thing a few weeks ago. I was falling into the "I have to win" pitfall and the "I need to control" loop. It was not working, to say the least.
So looking forward to this series! Thank you for taking the time to finish it.
Posted by: Debra | March 12, 2011 3:17 PM
I don't think that you could ever tantrum proof your child but these are some good tips.
Posted by: parenting advice | March 16, 2011 12:02 PM
You can certainly give it your best try; be positive, hopeful and willing to change. '
There will be at least five more entries in this series. And lots of input from mothers.
I certainly don't think it's a good idea to have low expectations of our children or ourselves :)
Posted by: Barbara | March 16, 2011 12:05 PM
