May 4, 2011 1:00 PM
Mother's Day - letting God prepare us
Mother's Day is Sunday, and I want to focus on that this week - with entries I hope will uplift and encourage and challenge you - including a giveaway of my books.
But I'd like to start by encouraging you to open your hearts to anything God might do to heal the broken places. Remember, Jesus came to set the captives free - but we have to ask Him and be willing to receive the healing. Wherever I go, I run into beautiful young mothers who have problems with their own mothers or beautiful grandmothers who have problems with their daughters.
How this must grieve our Heavenly Father, who created us to love, serve and glorify Him - and to be his witness on earth!
Those who've been reading here for a while know that I have a daughter who hasn't spoken to me or anyone else in our family (except one brother who has work ties to her husband) for nearly five years - except for a couple months after Maddy appeared on American Idol. Her children are also cut off from relationship with grandparents, aunt, uncles and cousins. We have a grandchild we met only briefly post-AI and another one on the way.
My belief is that at least some good may come of this if I share the things God has taught me since I began dealing with the deep rejection that comes when an adult child abandons the relationship. Because there are many Christian families in the same boat - some struggling with feelings of shame and isolation - it may help to know that there are others around you who may look together every Sunday morning, but who are dealing with such hurts.
Also, since I am in a position of teaching other mothers, I would feel like a hypocrite if I pretended that my life is perfect.
One thing God has taught me is to love in spite of the rejection. For someone who coped with childhood abandonment issues by developing a hard shell and anger, that's major! But God is in the business of healing.
He's also in the business of helping us become increasingly aware and honest about the sin in our own lives. And so I know that I am responsible for this situation because I set a bad example for my daughter when she was growing up. For many years, I cut my own mother out of my life and denied my children a relationship with their grandmother, feeling justified because of her shortcomings and failures (my mother was not a Christian and involved in serious sinful activity until the day she died).
Since I was a Christian and trying to be a good mom and since I was quick to apologize when I did wrong, I never foresaw this happening to me.
And yet it did. The simple fact is that no matter how righteously we live our lives, our children will do as we do (which is why parents are urged to let their children see them read, use their seatbelts, wait for the green light, etc). No matter how justified we feel in cutting off our mothers, we will have to face judgment for that at some point. Believe me, I have bowed before God acknowledging my mistake - which I might not have ever realized had it not happened to me.
God uses all things for good. So I am grateful that I had this experience to teach me how wrong I was to abandon my mother. While I didn't realize it before she died, I have realized it before I died. And I have apologized to my kids for robbing them of a relationship with their grandmother because making a decision based on my own comfort was selfishness, plain and simple.
Still, the sin plays out among the generations to come as siblings and cousins have been greatly harmed - and where God intended and has provided the opportunity for rich relationship there is none.
I know that my own journey as a mom has been humbling. My heart has been softened and I've developed more compassion. If my mom were alive, I would go to her now and apologize for how I wronged her. But she's not and I can't.
What I can do is share my own mistakes and what I've learned so that others might not be denied the rich relationship God desires for them.
In the hopes that some of you might need/be willing to work on your own mother/daughter relationship, I will be re-running some previous posts this week - with the idea that perhaps this Mothers Day, some of you might be moved to do something really special and meaningful to let your own mother off the hook.
Teach your children to honor their grandparents. What most of us don't realize when we are young mothers, is that if we want our grandchildren to honor us someday we need to set that example for our children NOW.
Let's prepare for Mother's Day by asking God to show us how to celebrate His presence more deeply in our families:
No matter how much it hurts to come face to face with our own failings, God wants to reveal them so He can replace our weakness with his strength. Pray - and be open to anything He may show you. May God bless you as we prepare for Mother's Day!
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Comments
I see that some of these posts about Mother's Day and mother/daughter relationships have no comments yet. Just so you know that you have hit the nail on the head for me, and I'll bet the same for many other women as well. It is a sensitive subject and I have much for which to ask God's forgiveness. Thank you for your courage to share what God has been doing in your life.
Posted by: Debbie | May 4, 2011 9:56 PM
Dear Sweet Barbara,
Again, thank you for your wisdom and transparency!
I often wish we lived close enough that you and I could talk over coffee, tea.....some liquid.....and when you write about this, I wish it even more.
I have, for almost 2 weeks now, kept asking myself "what am I supposed to do with this woman", speaking of a chronically very difficult relationship with my own mom. There have been mistakes, some mine, too, for which I have apologized, but the hurt just goes on and on. Honestly, it just seems to be only brief periods that she isn't mean to and deeply hurting either my brother or I (and now that they are adults, on occasion, she has hurt my nephews, too). Recently, the "meaness" and ugly hostile words to my brother were so severe that we were afraid to take the children and visit on Resurrection Sunday when we were in her town.
I have met quite a few women who have cut off their relationship with their mother for far less than what I deal with, but it has just never seemed right to do so. My husband and I were very "guarded" when it came to her relationship with my children when they were younger in order to protect them both physically and emotionally. Until about 1 1/2 yr. ago, they just thought she was "odd", but as they have aged and become wiser, they started asking questions. I honestly answered their questions and explained personalities and conflicts, but without telling everything; some of it they are just not ready for--if they'll ever be.
(BIG) *sigh*
I hear your honesty and repentence when I read what you've written. I would SOOOO welcome that!
But here we are......you are there and I am here.....there are many, many miles instead of a cup of coffee between us. So for myself and everyone else out there who deals with a similarly difficult relationship, *gulp*.....how is an adult child to handle a difficult parent? I know this may be a bit gutsy (to post in your comments this way), but I know that I'm not the only one who has to deal with this; maybe just the only one who is asking (out loud) for some help (wisdom) with this. Please share......
Lots of love to you!
Posted by: von | May 4, 2011 11:11 PM
