May 5, 2011 9:03 AM
Mothers in the hands of a merciful God
I want to share something I wrote five years ago I remembered today because so many here and at Facebook responded to the "Forgive Yourself" advice from the Reflections of Motherhood video.
I want to remind you that I am not one to encourage people to go easy on themselves. I think we should work hard and make the most of the gifts God has given us. But as the Bible tells us "All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." We are not perfect. We will make mistakes. And this is especially difficult in parenthood because most of us have spent years blaming our parents for the mistakes they made. It's easy to be overcome by fear that our children will likewise blame us.
And no matter how hard you try, some of them will. I can tell you this because I'm on the other side of motherhood - well, I'm still on both sides, but the majority of my kids are adults and each one has a unique perception, a unique relationship (or in one case, lack of relationship) with me. I have been accused of things I don't remember saying and which don't sound like me at all. I've been reminded of decisions I made when I didn't have as much wisdom as I have now. Some of my kids are more forgiving than others. Some more grateful than others.
With 11 of my 12 children, undergirding all is a love that is compelling, strong, sweet and true. From the separation imposed by one sister, the others have seen firsthand that the possibilities of forgiveness are severely crippled when you cut off relationship, that we are all works in progress and that when you freeze someone at one moment in time, you take God out of the equation.
Because self-awareness and self-honesty were priorities in our family, no one got off the hook after a mistake without a thorough deconstruction to see what lessons could be learned. I have seen as my children make mistakes and look at themselves with courage and humility, they grow in wisdom. As they grow in wisdom, they look at their parents' mistakes and growing wisdom with more respect.
I can't speak for parents who are dangerous and harmful. My father - who had left my mother, brothers and me when I was 5 and had only a very few scattered contacts with me over the course of the next 50 years - contacted me a few years ago to reestablish relationship, which I was happy to do. However, when I learned he was a convicted pedophile and questioned him about it, his reaction was so bizarre that I honestly felt there was no hope in my continuing the relationship, though I continue to pray for him. (If you have time for a soap opera, you can read about it at Family Skeletons - Breaking Free).
So I really don't know what to say when other moms tell me how terrible their moms are - how hurtful and mean and cruel. My daughter Jasmine would probably say the same thing about me because she reacts differently to me than her siblings - just as I stopped loving my mom while my brothers continued.
I really don't have all the answers. In fact as I grow older, I have more questions. My purpose in bringing this up as we approach Mother's Day is to get us thinking and praying about whether God might want us to do things differently.
And let me just take a moment to mention how important it's been to me when my friends have shared their relationships with their parents with me - how much I appreciate the good solid ones I've seen, as well as the ones where I see my friend bite her tongue and choose to love her parents despite rude and hateful remarks. All of you have been an example to me.
And now - sorry for the L-O-N-G introduction - for the reason I started writing this in the first place, a reprint from January 2006:
I use time in doctors' offices to read magazines I wouldn't ever see. So, yes, I know all about Britney and Don and Jessica and Nick and Paris and her animal collection. I mean, between all my kids I DO spend a lot of time in doctors' offices!But last week I picked up an issue of Vogue - which you don't often find in doctors' offices and which I used to read religiously back in my more glamorous days - and came across something so interesting I grabbed my notebook from my purse (if you write, you must make sure you always have a notebook!) and jotted down some notes to share with you. Good thing, too, because the article that got my attention is not online.
It was a piece called "Father's Day" by Tamasin Day-Lewis. If you recognize that name, it's because, yes, she is the sister of Daniel Day-Lewis, the amazing actor from My Left Foot and Last of the Mohicans - both I consider must-see films, if you can handle a lot of bad language by a quadriplegic in the first and a lot of violence by Indians in the second.
I had never heard of Tamasin, but she is a journalist and both she and Daniel are children of Cecil Day-Lewis, a British poet-laureate who died in 1972. What caught my eye was this piece of his poetry which was published posthumously:
Children Leaving HomeForgive my coldness, now past recall,
Angers, injustice, moods contrary, mean or blind;
And best, my dears, forgive
Yourselves, when I am gone, for all
Love signals you ignored and for the fugitive
Openings you never took into my mind.Whew. I know a lot of moms reading this are way too young for this to resonate - unless it resonates in regard to your own parents. This is a whole different phase of motherhood - although I'm still happily mired in the younger years with six kids 5-16. For all the writing available about bringing up younger kids, I just don't know that there's much about watching kids leave home.
I had an email this morning from an old friend in California who dropped off her youngest son at a New York college this weekend. She was probably the most supportive sports mom I know - at every football game for years and years (and for 20 years she's run the Pregnancy Resource Center in her town, saving hundreds of babies from abortion). Her son won a football scholarship which will see him through school. She's proud, but she confessed she still hasn't stopped crying. Even when they leave in the best of circumstances, there is so much sadness. Of course this is what you prepared them for - to be independent - but is it even possible to be prepared ourselves?
I can look at my children and see something like a slideshow of how they've looked over the years. Hear their little voices singing hymns with me each morning. Do you know what I mean? I wonder what each of them sees when they look at me, for each has his or her own set of memories about me and each feels and responds differently to who I am. That's a mystery I cannot solve.
And so what struck me wasn't just her father's poem, but Tamasin's comments:
"One stanza particularly stands out and has always made my brother angry sensing that our father was putting us at fault and blaming us for not getting to know him properly."I don't read it like that; I see it more as a valedictory, a blessing, an understanding of the places a child's mind cannot reach but shouldn't feel guilty about. It stands with the photograph [on which the article is based] as the way I wish to remember the most influential man in my life, my father."
Even if we've been terrific parents, some of our children may grow up to misunderstand and misjudge us. They may spend the rest of their lives denying our influence, but we will see it anyway and know God sees it too. Parenthood is really a matter between you and God anyway, because it is part of our stewardship. Our children are not our children, but God's children given to us for a brief span to prepare them for the rest of their lives.
Will we make mistakes? Of course we will. Think how young and inexperienced we were when we started! God doesn't call the equipped - he equips those he calls. And just like the all-too-human characters in the Bible, we will live lives filled with the good, the bad, and the ugly. The important thing is to be like David - humble and teachable and quick to repent - rather than like Saul. To not expect perfection from ourselves - because only God is perfect - but to lean on him to reveal how we can become more like him each day.
Parenting isn't just about us helping our kids reach their potential - it's about God helping us reach ours. All of God's children have free will - even those with whom he walked in the Garden of Eden. God will not judge us by results - how our kids turn out or how they feel about us.
"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7)I don't know about you, but I find that very reassuring!
Posted in Inspiration, Mother's Day, Mothering | Permalink
Comments
What a beautiful piece. I pray that the relationships with the one child gets mended. You've done an enviable wonderful job with your children. Most of us have strains with our children as they grow up, when they grow up. To have only one with this issue is truly remarkable.
Posted by: Cath Young | May 5, 2011 1:45 PM
Rifts develop between even canonized saints and their children, but they are always painful and heart rending. I'll never stop praying for a reconciliation between Jasmine and you as well as members of my own family and so many others I know who suffer this heartache. And I have from time to time had this prayer answered. Carrying this cross, gives us the tiniest glimpse into the heart of Christ Who sees his children so bitterly divided into thousands of churches ..and the heart of Mary who has many children who deny that she is their spiritual mother.
Posted by: Judy | May 6, 2011 10:35 AM
Wow...lots to think about here Barbara! Thank you for sharing. I appreciate the reminder to give my own mom forgiveness. Everyone needs to be quick to forgive, but especially so with those who are closest to us...
I recently lost my last living grandparent, and my dad has a curable form of cancer... It's all a reminder that life is so short.
Posted by: Lisa | May 6, 2011 10:46 AM
