July 29, 2011 5:48 PM
NFP evangelical authors now divorced
This is disappointing news:Praying that the mom and dad will find it in their hearts to remarry for the sake of their children. And yes, that is a good reason to keep a marriage together, because it's really not all about us.An Evolving View of Natural Family Planning
Josh Anderson for The New York TimesBethany Patchin, 30, at home with her four children. When younger, Ms. Patchin saw contraception as contrary to God's will.
By MARK OPPENHEIMER
Published: July 8, 2011
In August 1999, Bethany Patchin, an 18-year-old college sophomore from Wisconsin, wrote in an article for Boundless, an evangelical Web magazine, that Christians should not kiss before marriage. Sam Torode, a 23-year-old Chicagoan, replied in a letter to the editor that Ms. Patchin's piece could not help but "drive young Christian men mad with desire."
The two began corresponding by e-mail, met in January 2000 and were married that November. Nine months later, Ms. Torode (she took her husband's name) gave birth to a son, Gideon. Over the next six years, the Torodes had four more progeny: another son, two daughters and a book, "Open Embrace: A Protestant Couple Rethinks Contraception."In "Open Embrace," the Torodes endorsed natural family planning -- tracking a woman's ovulation and limiting intercourse to days when she is not fertile -- but rejected all forms of artificial contraception, including the pill and condoms. The book sold 7,000 copies after its publication in 2002 and was celebrated in the anticontraception movement, which remains largely Roman Catholic but has a growing conservative Protestant wing. As young Protestants who conceived their first child on their honeymoon, the Torodes made perfect evangelists.
That was then, this is now.
In 2006, the Torodes wrote on the Web that they no longer believed natural family planning was the best method of birth control. They divorced in 2009. Both now attend liberal churches. Ms. Patchin -- that is her name once again -- now says she uses birth control, and she even voted for Barack Obama for president.
"I was 19 when we got married," Ms. Patchin said by telephone from Nashville, where she and her former husband live and share custody of their four children. "And I was 20 when we had Gideon. My parents weren't anti-birth-control; they were pretty middle-ground evangelicals. So I kind of rebelled by being more conservative. That was my identity."
Read more at The New York Times
Posted in Pro-Life Issues | Permalink
Comments
Ugh... very sad. There is way more to this story than we are being told, I can tell... Bottom line, though is that we are all human and I'm sure that satan went after their marriage with a vengence.
Posted by: Lisa | July 29, 2011 6:06 PM
It is so hard to do the right thing with our culture constantly in our faces telling us to take the easy way out of everything.
I thank God for bringing me to the Catholic Church, giving me a strong faith, and the graces received through the sacraments. I couldn't make it without them, I don't know how anybody does.
Posted by: Katharine | July 29, 2011 10:59 PM
Katherine - As a strongly pro-life evangelical who became Catholic nearly four years ago, I have to admit that while reading the article, I kept thinking, "If only they had become Catholic. . . "
Posted by: Barbara | July 30, 2011 5:51 AM
Turning to Catholicism would not have saved this couples' marriage. Turning to Christ and putting away their selfishness would have saved their marriage. We are blessed if we are truly serving Christ, not if we are a Catholic, Protestant, Baptist, etc. I know a lot of people who are Catholic and have divorced, had affairs, abused their children and a couple of people who are so completely greedy beyond my scope of understanding. I don't blame it on being Catholic (just as I would not blame my issues on being a Baptist). It is because we are wretched humans who are too selfish to look beyond our flesh to serve God. Catholics don't have a handle on all things good and Holy. I love the Catholic faith - my husband has even said I would have made a great Catholic because of how I want to worship God - but I do not believe for one second my life would be more Holy had I converted to Catholicism. You would do well to remember that your readers are people of all faiths, as you were once a evangelical yourself. I do know however that this is your blog and you can write what you wish too. I just wish you didn't take pot shots at those of us who love you but don't follow your particular faith.
Ouida Gabriel
Posted by: Ouida Gabriel | July 30, 2011 10:08 AM
Ouida -
I can tell you are upset. I have to speak the truth as I know it. Catholics are not perfect, but we have the continued help of the graces we receive through the sacraments which have been passed down through apostolic succession. The grace of receiving the precious Body and Blood of Jesus at least once a week - and daily if we desire because it is always available to us - helps us through many traumas we would have been trying to get through on our own steam.
I know since I became Catholic I have gone through losing our home, a nine month disability ordeal with my husband and countless other issues - and yet my kids would tell you I handle things with more grace.
Also, the Catholic Church has consistently forbidden divorce while the evangelical church is squishy on the issue, recognizing civil divorces - which the Church does not. Do Catholics divorce? Yes, they do but in the eyes of the church they are married unless there is an annulment - which is a long, involved and thorough process and which is not always granted (in fact some couples reconcile while going through the process). The Catholic Church is not fragmented into thousands of opinions and perspectives on family matters, but has one unified doctrine. Many of the papal encyclicals have addressed marriage and family and sexuality in a way that puts it in the context of life in a way that I have never seen in protestant writing.
Ouida, my comment was not a pot shot, but a heartfelt cry that perhaps with the strong support offered by the Church - which actually reinforces faith in Christ - and perhaps with a less squishy attitude toward divorce, this couple might have enjoyed a long and fruitful life together.
Ouida, I know you are sensitive about this. I hope this explains where I am coming from. I write the truth as I see it and will not change to make people feel more comfortable. There are many evangelicals turning to Catholicism now - finding that their church roots run deeper than the 17th century. It stretches back to the beginning. God gave us the Church and the sacraments to help us because He created us and knows we are body, mind and spirit and all need to be fed.
love,
barbara
Posted by: Barbara | July 30, 2011 11:12 AM
I'd like to add something that might explain the shared wish that this couple had turned to the Catholic Church. This is in no way meant to inflame or antagonize anyone, so please accept it in the spirit of Christian charity with which it is intended.
I don't believe that being "Catholic" would necessarily have changed the course of this couple. We all know "Catholics" who do not live their faith. The Catholic Church is filled with sinners, just like every church. The difference is that the Catholic Church teachings and doctrines are the answer. Perhaps that sounds presumptuous, but that's what I believe, and that's why I am still a Catholic. So, it stands to reason that those of us who are Catholic recognize that understanding Catholic doctrine on these issues, and making a decision to live these doctrines would very likely have changed the course of this couple.
It would be unwise to judge the truth and validity of a set of doctrines based on the behavior of those who claim to be adherents to those doctrines, but who aren't in practice. If you study Catholic doctrine objectively, you will likely find that you have found Truth. I don't know anyone who has truly studied our teachings and then rejected them as untrue or unsound. On the other hand, I know many who dismiss them before any serious study at all. Still, believing them to be true and living them are often two separate issues, given our fallen human natures. The point is the teachings are true, and our sinful behavior cannot negate that truth. Our honest attempt to live them, coming home to the truth again and again, everyday, is how we work out our own salvation in fear and trembling. As a Catholic, I have been saved, I am being saved, and I have hope that I will be saved.
God bless you and keep you.
Posted by: Maggie | July 30, 2011 12:22 PM
Nicely put Maggie. I do agree that the Catholic Church teaching is sound and valuable to the family.
I do have some problems with NFP. Much as Patchin questioned the use of NFP it's something I've come to question as well. It don't mean to be graphic but, my understanding is it basically seems to mean that a woman can not have sex during her fertile time (when physiologically she has the strongest desire to have sex) unless she is willing to risk conceiving a child. I'd love to say my faith was strong enough to just put that choice in God's hands but with 4 very young children, no family close by to help, and not a great deal of money to purchase outside help I can completely understand someone not wanting to "leave it up to God." Have others come up against this problem and if so how did you handle it?
Posted by: Diane | July 30, 2011 2:18 PM
This is a bit off-topic from the Catholic discussion (an argument that I will stay out of), but it's something that has been on my heart since reading this post and others involving divorce.
It's extremely sad that this couple ended their marriage. One thing that I try to remember in such cases though--whether a divorced (or soon-to-be-divorced) couple is part of a public ministry or not--and no matter what denomination they belong to--is that I don't know all the facts. We can make all the assumptions we want, calling their choice selfish or ungodly, claiming that they didn't work hard enough, but in the end we aren't God and don't live in their homes on a daily basis. Only God knows how hard a couple really worked to save their marriage. Only He knows the true selfishness of each heart. Only He and the couple know what went on behind closed doors or what they chose not to reveal for the sake of privacy.
Yes, God hates divorce, but He hates a lot of other things too, including gossip and pride.
Anyway, that's just my two cents. Maybe this is my way of standing up for the many precious Christians who experienced the pain of adultery, abuse, or abandonment before finding themselves caught in the whirlwind of a process that they never dreamed they'd be in.
Thanks for listening (I mean reading :)).
Posted by: Jeanette | July 30, 2011 6:00 PM
@ Diane. I also have four young children. I have found this very issue to be something I just have to accept, on faith, that God revealed His will in the Catholic Church's teaching. I guess you could say I'm resigned to it. I have not be able to study the Theology of the Body by Blessed John Paul II, but I wonder if perhaps more answers are there. I've wondered if I'm unique or if it's universal to women that more often then not, at least more often then anyone wants to admit, sexual union is not really pleasurable physically for them, and that it's one way that we must die to self. Perhaps this lack of equality in desire and experience in men and women is a direct result of the fall, a consequence of original sin. Yet, I consider my marriage reasonably happy. Perhaps still, another reason we're so shocked by this experience is the complete unreality of the media on sex, on life in general really. The message is sex is mindblowing, toe curling all the time, every time for both people, regardless of age, gender or commitment to each other.
I too, as I sadly read this article, kept thinking, if only they hadn't divorced. I'll pray for them, and I hope that God will use their children to bring them together. We don't know if something like real abuse was present, we can't know or judge them. But we can pray and hope and trust in our God.
Posted by: R. | July 31, 2011 1:38 AM
@R ... as I read your comment I couldn't help but think that you do not have a very happy sex life. Your statement about the "complete unreality of the media on sex, on life in general really. The message is sex is mindblowing, toe curling all the time, every time for both people, regardless of age, gender or commitment to each other. " is very true. SEx is not all that all the time. :)
However I believe that the sexual union between a man and his wife is like a dance partnership. Both dancers need to know each other movements and rhythm. the way a man and a woman express and feel their sexuality is completely different. the media tries to portray that it's the same, but that is a lie meant to distort God's truth and beauty of a man and woman's roles in life and marriage.
I would suggest that you read a Christian book on the marriage bed. I would suggest you pray and ask God to reveal to you what is it that you are missing, or what you need to know. I would suggest you talk to your husband about your feelings and your questions about your sexual life.
Unless there is trust and open communication a satisfying sex life is almost impossible. Your husband is your partner. just like your body belongs to him, his body belongs to you. The goal of marriage is to bring 2 people to become one. I believe the sexual union is one of the tools for that.
As for admitting that sexual union is not physically pleasurable... sometimes I am not in the mood, but when I know my husband is I make myself available. As we began our love dance, sometimes my desires are awaken, sometimes not. Either way, our sexual union is pleasant in the sense that it does not hurt or disgust me. It's something I do out of love. Some times I reach actual physical pleasure with an orgasm, sometimes I reach emotional satisfaction of seeing him being physically satisfied. It is NEVER unpleasant though.
Is it for you? does it hurt or disgust you? Those are important feelings to consider. If you are feeling physical or emotional pain I believe you should seek help from the Lord, and maybe from a doctor or someone who could counsel or point you in the right direction.
I didn't mean to intrude, just sharing my personal experience in the hope that it might shed some light on your questions.
Blessings,
T.
Posted by: t. | August 1, 2011 12:51 AM
So sad for those kids, but I can't say I'm surprised. Besides the attacks that come against anyone who stands for family values, it sounds like both of them were pretty legalistic. Obviously nobody knows what went on behind closed doors, but legalism can be a death knell for a marriage (and so many other things).
As far as the remarks on Catholicism, I'm an Evangelical and I don't find them offensive or consider them "pot shots". I hear Barbara's heart. Those who find comfort and solace in the Truth will naturally wish others could find it, too. I think if many Evangelicals bothered to study Catholic theology they would be surprised how much they agree with.
That said, the Reformation happened for a reason and there is also a reason I am not a Catholic. Jesus is the Truth, His Word is infallible, but people, churches, denominations, and organizations are all fallen to one extent or another.
I'm pretty sure all of us, whether Catholic or Protestant, will be surprised when we get to heaven how many things we believed that turned out to be off base, theologically speaking. The Jews had all the scriptures pointing to the Messiah and still they got it wrong. None of us are exempt from making the same mistakes. It's the fallen nature of man.
In the end, what matters is that all believers been adopted into the Lord's family, and will stand together and worship Him in perfect unity for all eternity.
Posted by: Rachel | August 1, 2011 12:45 PM
I have to agree with T. I find the sexual union to be a wonderful thing between husband and wife and while not always mind blowing, toe curling all the time it can be some of the time and I've found it always to be at the very least pleasurable. That is why I have a problem with NFP. It seems to rob women who don't wish to conceive children of having sex during the time when their bodies are telling them most strongly that they want to have sex. I've never had anyone who is strongly for NFP address this issue or provide some way around it other than just to deny the self.
Posted by: Diane | August 1, 2011 12:59 PM
Diane,
I read your comment and it is true. You are right when you say that "that time" is the time when women most strongly want to be in union with their husbands. I don't think God makes it easy because of our fallen nature as Rachel says. He wants us to be open, be fruitful and multiply, so those desires were His Master design.
I figure God knew what he was doing,eh?:)
I learned, by default, to be open to life. At all times, and God's plan-- not mine. Not very easy I know. The diapers, the stress, the money--where will it come from?, the worry,how will I feed them, the clothes I won't be able to supply, the looks, the comments.."are you done?", my body will be all outta shape, the things we will give up, etc..., I just can't do this,... BUT at the end of the day the GIFTS out way all. He sends HIS children down when His people are open and trusts them to care for them. These children are NOT ours. Their HIS.
After seven children, my husband became worried about us conceiving another baby. I had just had the third and difficult consecutive c-section in three years. So, my husband bought two boxes of prophylactics and I did not protest. We "tried". Anyway, after getting half way through the second colorful little box I woke up one morning to my eldest son knocking on our bedroom door..."Ah Mom....ahh...yeah...ahhh..you might wanna come out here...ahh yeah..okay...well..just come out here as soon as ya can...okay?".
I walked out only to see our condom package ripped open, the little packages all over the place, taken out and thrown around in the bathroom, clear down the hall way, and all over the front room like a pinata just burst open. I was like this is not happening!!! It was like they were attempting to blow em up like balloons!! My precious kids. One must of them got on their little tip toes and reached into our drawer to find something to get into--they loved to dig. My diggers. Explorers if you will--haaha
Anyway, I laugh now because God let that happen to us and exposed us for the phoney practicing Catholics we were being and probably had a great chuckle at His children trying to think that they actually could "try" to stop life.
All I can say, is remain open. Because if you "try" now God may not give you another opportunity. You may be in your wonderful fertile time. "Trying" for "later" may never happen. God giveth and God can taketh away.
He sees all our actions, knows our thoughts, and deepest desires, and fears. Lean on Him. He will help you through and make your problems with being open to life at all time make perfect sense.
Posted by: Eileen | August 8, 2011 10:54 AM
Eileen, very well said and I love your story. Made me laugh.
Posted by: Sue from Buffalo | August 9, 2011 7:46 AM
Dh and I have kept their book. Because whatever they are saying now, the book itself is a beautiful treatise on life and marriage, and full of truth.
I do know for sure that there is a *lot* more to the story than what is open to the media. And I know that Bethany is a woman who latches on to things and pursues them with a passion that many people can never hope to have. Sometimes that can be dangerous, and I think burn-out is one of the many problems they ran into. Reading her blog currently, there is a tendancy towards extreme introspection and depressive thinking.
I really, really feel for Sam and Bethany and the children. There is so much pain in their story. Pray for healing, for all of them.
Posted by: Margaret | August 23, 2011 7:28 AM
