Mommy Life

October 19, 2011 10:49 AM

Family dinners - the most important moments of the day

First, a few comments about this picture, taken in September.  Tripp was out of town, Maddy had come home from Catholic U for the weekend, and we had invited Matt and Zach to have dinner with us.  Jonny was sitting in Tripp's usual spot.  I took a picture from mine to send to Tripp because I thought it would comfort him while he was away from home to know that I was keeping up the domestic routine.

If I had known I would use this picture on my blog, I would have made sure that Daniel had added spoons while setting the table. And I wouldn't have had the salad dressing bottles on the table.  I usually don't allow that during meals - note the ketchup in a bowl near Matt.

As it was, I wanted to show you a slice of Curtis dinner reality.

I'm publishing this and beginning a discussion because recently I ran a giveaway on my giveaway page for a new book called The Hour that Matters Most: The Surprising Power of the Family Meal which drew a lot of attention and many comments that made me realize how much encouragement moms needed in this area.

Moms confessed their struggles with making a habit of family meals: conflicts with extracurricular activities, exhaustion, and husbands deployed or traveling. 

I'm familiar with all these and have had to work to overcome experiences that dampened my enthusiasm for making something special of dinnertime. In my younger mothering years, having a huge number of kids at home was very motivating.  That's when I built the habit of taking time for dinner. 

But I've experienced times when my enthusiasm has dampened. I remember when our 4-in-a-row boys had left home and Sophia confronted me with the fact that I had let the dinnertime routine go. The thing is, feeding teenage boys is challenging, but it has a lot of rewards as they are so enthusiastic and appreciative. Missing those intangible rewards, I had lost my own enthusiasm. What I needed to do was make a decision to put as much energy into family dinners as I had before.

Through the years, as more kids left and our nest became smaller, I had to reaffirm my commitment each time.  This year was the biggest shock of all, when Maddy left and Tripp and I were left with four sons with Down syndrome (we adopted three after Jonny was born). Two of these also have autism and so obviously the dinnertime conversation is much more limited than it was before - the part of dinner I always treasured most. Once again, I needed to make a commitment to bring my best.

Could there be any more challenges? Yes, as a matter of fact, one more: Tripp's job required travel. Could I find the motivation to make dinner for four boys with limited communication skills and me? That's when I was grateful for years of building the dinnertime habit.

How important is dinnertime? Fifteen years ago, I published this article:

A Simple Recipe for Success

Want to maximize your children's chance for success? Boost their grades and SAT scores, develop good self-esteem and social skills - plus help them avoid cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol?

Just 20 minutes a day is all it takes. You never have to leave home or spend a dime. Yet study after study concludes that one simple practice can make these parental wishes come true.

All you have to do is sit down to a family dinner.

These days, that may be easier said than done - probably why we've seen a 33 percent decrease in the last 30 years in families who say they have dinner together regularly. Think about it: in 1970 after school kids played pretty much on their own - rollerskating, impromptu backyard baseball games, Barbie soap operas, or just plain hanging out - while mom made dinner. Dad came home, Mom called the kids, and voila: the family dinner.

Today's families are different - many with two breadwinners or single parents. But even in a traditional family like mine, dealing with a heap of homework and a gazillion extracurricular activities adds a crazy spin to the concept of dinner.

Not to mention countless hours of parental behind the wheel. So who has time to cook?

Still, those studies are hard to ignore. Family dinners mean kids with better eating habits and good manners and social graces - kids who will be welcome and confident wherever they go. And - on a more serious note - a decreased chance of teen pregnancy or suicide.

And by the way, as a former single mother, I know it's not easy to sit down and eat together, but since kids from single-parent families are most at risk, they need family dinners more than anyone.

So how does a busy family do it? Here are a few suggestions:

Keep dinnertime flexible. On nights Zach had karate, we had dinner at 5:00. On nights when Ben had rehearsal, we had it at 7:00. I look for a window of opportunity - and if we can't all be home, then at least when most will be.

Use a crock pot. First thing in the morning, throw in some meat, mushroom soup and Lipton's onion soup mix - or try spaghetti sauce with defrosted frozen meatballs.

Cut back on computer time to make room for a meal together. During dinner, turn off the TV. Don't answer the phone.

Keep things simple. Once a week we do Breakfast Night - pancakes, sausage, eggs.

No matter how simple the meal, a few candles makes it special for children. The bottom line is this: kids don't care if it's fish sticks and French fries - as long as time with you is on the menu.

Love,

Posted in Family, Mothering | Permalink

Comments

I was starting to drift away from the family meal, too. I'm so tired and I just want to relax by myself and eat. Plus making a meal that they all will eat is a challenge. Thanks for reminding me and for suggesting the little extras like candles.

Posted by: Sue from Buffalo | October 19, 2011 2:02 PM

Yesterday while I was sitting in the doctor's office with all four kids and reading to them to keep them from vaccinating each other, my 5 yr old son pointed to a picture in the Golden Book Classic, "We Help Mommy." The boy and girl were setting the table for lunch. He said, "Mom, that table is so beautiful. I wish our table was." Thank you for these encouraging and instructive posts.

I was one of the winners of the book and I'm really looking forward to changing things at our house.

Posted by: Suzi | October 19, 2011 2:59 PM

Oh, yes, there is always an excuse to not have a family dinner -- from fussy babies to can't-sit-still-toddlers to busy kids -- but it is so important! Inspired by your post, I'm going to add some candles to our table! As simple as it is, our routine is to thank God for our blessings and our food. We all hold hands around the table as we say a common prayer together. Our toddler gets so excited that we make a circle when we all hold hands.

Posted by: Amanda Bindel | October 19, 2011 4:18 PM

I agree - that's so important. We also hold hand around the table and sing either "Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow," "We Give Thanks to Thee, O Lord,: or "Give Thanks with a Grateful Heart." Then we pray.

That a great centering moment and sets the tone. I've had my kids remind me when we are rushed and have to get a meal in the car to stop the car and pray :)

Posted by: Barbara | October 19, 2011 4:24 PM

I could not agree more with this post Barbara!

Thanks for the encouragement to "keep on...keepin'
on" I wrote a blog post on this subject awhile back that maybe will add to the encouragement you have given - http://bethlambdin.net/2009/08/25/where-there-is-a-will-there-is-a-way/

I appreciate you...as always! :)

Posted by: Beth Lambdin | October 19, 2011 4:27 PM

Well, I realized tonight that I need to purchase some candles (that are not the tall prayer candles) and candle holders for dinner. I did; however, pull out a Fall table cloth and made a simple dinner of ravioli and warmed bread and butter. It was simple but even my husband (who had previously told me he wasn't hungry) sat down with us and we all had a relaxing, delightful dinner. Setting the table seemed to set the mood and we've been through so much turmoil lately that we really needed the break.

Thanks for remind us, Barbara. It was a good idea. :)

Posted by: Sue from Buffalo | October 19, 2011 8:05 PM

I find the family dinner together to be the most important part of our day.

Even when my husband deploys, I try to ensure that dinners are spent together at the table rather than in front of the tv.

Posted by: j dan | October 19, 2011 10:19 PM

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