January 26, 2012 8:25 PM
Elizabeth Ministry - miscarriage and infant loss
Celebrate Life asked me to do a profile of Elizabeth Ministry, a grassroots ministry to parents who've suffered the loss of a baby before or shortly after birth:Elizabeth Ministry: God sends a friend to hurting families
I have had four miscarriages. Two I flushed down the toilet ... and the other two were taken by hospital staff and disposed of. I can't tell you the guilt and shame I feel for not honoring my babies and being so ignorant of what to do. One baby I wrapped up gently and brought to my doctor because he asked to do a test on the remains. I was shocked when he returned to the room empty-handed and told me he had thrown "it" away--including the bag I bought special, which had the words "True Love" written on it.
Jennifer left this comment on my blog recently. After years of feeling isolated and alone, mothers of miscarried babies have finally found a safe place to share their feelings: the Internet. Her story is typical of their outpourings of grief and shame. Miscarriage is a loss the world doesn't seem to understand. After all, the baby wasn't born yet. Why can't the mother let go?
So, besides the pain of losing a baby, many women struggle with guilt and shame for their overwhelming sadness--thinking there must be something wrong with them. Jennifer continued,It's hard relating with people unless they've been there, and it's hard relating with the world because most of the world doesn't acknowledge [he/she] was a true life. You seem to get a pat on the back and a "Well, you can try again." And it's like this one carried no weight at all because [he/she] never saw the sun or breathed air?!
But even after acknowledging and sharing our grief, it still feels as if something has been left undone. Like Jennifer, I've had four miscarriages. Like Jennifer, I felt a sense of loss beyond the baby--a loss that comes later when you realize your baby was flushed down the toilet or given up to a doctor who didn't care.
Does respect for life end at death? Of course not. This is why we treat the remains of our loved ones with dignity. We bury our dead. We have funerals and memorials, offer eulogies, and send sympathy cards. With these traditions the healing process begins as God ministers, through the hands of others, to those who mourn.
But when it comes to babies who die before or shortly after birth, without traditions, we've been at a loss. In a state of shock, mothers have often let those babies go without the dignity they deserve. And realizing this later only adds to their burden.
Now there's a place to find help. Elizabeth Ministry is an international movement that not only provides mentoring and tangible help to mothers who have experienced miscarriage, but also educates health care providers and clergy on how to improve their outreach to families in such times of need.
Read more at Celebrate Life.
Posted in Babies, Death and dying, Pro-Life Issues | Permalink
Comments
What a wonderful ministry, and one that is so desperately needed. I think it would be interesting to start some type of a discussion about how to help friends who are going through miscarriage. I had my first miscarriage recently, and so much of it was a mystery. I had to call a friend to ask about the physical stuff. She was so gracious, so caring, and prayed with my over the phone. This was helpful, of course, but I wish I would have had some type of book or something to tell me what is normal physically, and what to possibly expect emotionally. I think that the grieving part was partially delayed for me. There was so much that happened all at once... The miscarriage gave extended family an opportunity to say that they they don't want us having more children. :( It was just a big mess.
I sort of survived with the attitude of " Well, God's been good, this was an early miscarriage, let's get on with our lives and just love on the extended family that has been so hurtful" All of this is true... but it took a few weeks to enter a stage of grieving a bit more, and realizing that I would need to forgive my family over and over for awhile in order to get over this. I suspect that the grieving process is very different for every women. Much of this entire thing is still such a mystery for me... I'd like to know what other women need when they are going through miscarriage. What helped them, what didn't. I mostly just appreciated people listening to me and letting me know they were praying for me.... Just acknowleding the loss. The grieving has been so off and on that I don't think I need constant reminders, though. I have a friend who wrote me recently and just said she's praying. I REALLY appreciated that, only because the grieving just not completely disappear all at once... So a simple: " I"m praying for you" helps me know that others care and have not forgotten.
A pot of soup would have been nice during the actual miscarriage... but I'm glad no one gave me flowers. I think it's the simple things that have helped me the most. Just knowing that someone is praying.
One other thing I wanted to add is that I think we take our fertility for granted. Most people are afraid of getting pregnant... but I wonder how few realize that the miscarriage rate is 1 in 3. Our fertility is fleeting gift. When I saw the photos of the women ( in your recent post) who had botched abortions, I could not help but wonder if they realized what a gift it is to be able to have a child... and yet they throw it away... They murder their child, and give no thought to how it affects their future fertility....May God have mercy...
Praying for more,
Lisa
Posted by: Lisa | January 27, 2012 7:39 PM
