January 9, 2012 10:43 AM
Happy birthday, Matt!
Today is Matt's 27th birthday and I thought you might enjoy what I wrote here four years ago - with an update at the end:
When Tripp and I married in 1983, I was pregnant with Joshua. Neither of us were believers at the time, and as I've told you before, God used that new life to pull us into a commitment. No matter how shaky our foundation, with that commitment God was able to build something greater than either of us.Tripp was seven years younger than I, and upon marrying me became an instant father to Samantha (then 14) and Jasmine (8). Within eight months he went from a footloose and fancy-free single guy to a husband and father of three, with all that means - from loss of sleep to leaky hot water heaters.
Josh was barely six months old when I learned I was pregnant again. This despite the fact that we were using birth control prior to both pregnancies - as well as the fact that I had a prognosis of sterility from a previous PID infection in my druggie days.
While Tripp was thrilled when I told him about the first pregnancy, he turned gray as a ghost when I told him we were expecting again. Fear and feelings of entrapment set in. This was not the life he bargained for.
It wasn't the one I'd bargained for either, but as a former radical feminist I'd discovered I enjoyed staying home and caring for my family. I was ready to go with the flow, though Tripp's reaction made me a little nervous.
I was three or four months pregnant when one day at the bank blood began running down my legs. It was 1985 - no cell phones. I asked the bank to call my best friend and went to lie down in my car until she came. She drove me to the hospital, then drove to the site where Tripp was trimming someone's trees (he was an arborist in those days - Mr. Trees) and told him what had happened.
In the meantime, my doctor, on arriving at my hospital bed, said I'd probably lost the baby. When Tripp arrived, he was completely distraught. All of a sudden, having this baby - which he'd felt so ambivalent about - seemed like the most important thing in the world. We couldn't imagine life without #4.
They did an ultrasound to be sure of their diagnosis, but lo and behold, there was the little guy (well, in those primitive days of ultrasound you couldn't really tell for sure - and not at that age).
I had a misplaced placenta, which my doctor said might move back up where it was supposed to go. I stayed in the hospital for a few days on some kind of medication to stabilize things, then went home. A few months later I had a second bout of hemorrhaging. At the hospital I was told I would never be able to carry this baby to term.
But somehow - with the amazing grace of a God we were sincerely seeking but did not know - we did have that baby. On January 9, 1985 - less than 17 months after Josh, Matthew Raphael was born. Raphael means "God who heals."
Long before I knew him, God began teaching me. He taught me then how limited our own understanding is - that sometimes, unless our security is threatened or we are challenged in some way we don't understand the true value of some part of our experience we've misjudged.
Would we have loved Matthew even if I hadn't almost lost him twice? Yes, of course we would have. But was the question of whether we wanted a fourth child settled forever? You know it was! And we felt privileged to be Matthew's parents!
I still feel privileged. It was after Matt's birth that Tripp and I began to feel that we could no longer use birth control, that the grand plan (we were New Agers so we believed in some kind of spiritual force, but hadn't yet found out about Jesus) for our lives included having a big family. We'd both come from broken homes and somehow sensed that this would be the greatest thing we could do. I mean, you can't go back and give yourself a happy childhood, but you can do your best to give one to someone else :)
I remember getting on our knees together and holding hands and promising that we would leave our birth control to God (in the stunted, impersonal way we understood him then) and trust that our children would be provided for.
Of course, we were thinking in terms of financial well-being. And sure enough, our business began to grow and thrive. Nineteen months after Matt, Ben was born. Seven months later we became Christians (read the story here). God wanted to provide for our children in ways more important than money.
Of course, he'd always had us in his hands. And I know that now - even as Matt is wandering spiritually - God has our precious son in his hands. Matt is a whimsical and talented young man - he hit the stage at the age of four as a bumblebee in Winnie the Pooh and has been hooked on music and theater ever since. He loves to sing, loves to read, loves to laugh.
He's been gone from home for over three years. We don't see him as often as we wish. But just as in the days when I lay in the hospital bed patiently waiting for things to right themselves within my body so that Matt could find his physical bearings, I am waiting for Matt to find his spiritual bearings and trusting God for his future.
After all, as much as Tripp and I love him, God loves him even more. We were just privileged to get him off to the best start we could. As on all my kids' birthdays, I'm reminded what a privilege it is to serve as co-creators with God, to be his hands and feet in the lives of these children for just a little while.
Here's a photo of our "little" family in 1985. Matt is the little head peeking over my shoulder. Josh in the stroller. Samantha next to me and Jasmine in Tripp's arms.
I know he doesn't read my blog, but still. . . .Happy Birthday, Matt!
Time changes things. It really does. And God brings healing if you let Him. As many of you know, Matt came home in October 2009 to regroup and get his bearings. He had no big problems to recover from - no drug or alcohol problems - just five years of treading water in local dinner theaters. He got a job immediately and began working on building his skills (vocal and dance), sending out resumes, getting an agent and trekking here and there for auditions.
I had forgotten what fun he is to have around - one of those perpetually upbeat people who helps whenever asked and whom you rarely have to remind about anything. He loves to play rough and tumble with his younger brothers, nephews and nieces. Healing didn't come immediately, but with time in all his relationships. He and Zach got an apartment together in Purcellville, but because Matt works as a part time attendant for Justin and Daniel, we are blessed to see him almost every day.
He has a lovely girlfriend named Emma - we call her The English Muffin - who lives in London and with whom he is celebrating his birthday this year.
When Matt left home eight years ago, it was the first time I faced that you could try as hard as you might to be a perfect parent, but that it wasn't like a recipe for cookies, and the results might not be what you thought they would be. I felt like a failure on so many levels. I cried for weeks. And then a friend reminded me that even the perfect parent - Our Heavenly Father - saw his children turn from him. We have free will, and all the perfect training and love you give cannot guarantee that your children will turn out the way you want them to.
Today I feel only joy as I consider that through Matt God taught me an important lesson. He took away my judgment of other parents and replaced it with compassion. It made me focus less on my efforts and trust more on His grace. It drove me to my knees.
And I feel greatly blessed that in addition to all those lessons, we got to enjoy the return of our son.
And I share this because those of you with young children need to know what a continuing journey parenthood is and how God continues to teach you. It just goes on and on. The more children you have, the more vulnerable you are - but the more opportunities you have to learn.
Only some of my family members read my blog - but Matt, if you're reading today, I love you!
~~~~~~~~~~
Matt and Emma on her last visit here - dancing to Step in Time with major Mary Poppins fan Daniel:
Posted in Family, Mothering, My life | Permalink
Comments
Such a beautiful article/Birthday remembrance! thanks for the encouragement as well, I needed that! I love the pictures at the end! But, isn't he now 27?
Posted by: Julie | January 9, 2012 11:43 AM
Parenting is SO humbling and does so much to smooth out the sharp edges of our character. And my oldest is only 15 :^/ Thank you for sharing.
Posted by: Kerri | January 9, 2012 11:44 AM
The course of a mother......I am grateful for it. I have hopes it is to save my soul and others.
Thank you, Barb for sharing very intimate private things on your blog. It ministers to me to be more honest and vulnerable and tear down walls any walls I have around me.
Happy Birthday Matt!!!!!
Posted by: Eileen | January 9, 2012 11:50 AM
This is so encouraging to read as I'm still in the little years and all that comes with it. It's wonderful to get some perspective from you. :) And Happy Birthday to Matt!
Posted by: Addie | January 9, 2012 1:44 PM
Love this - having some growing pains here ourselves. Great perspective.
Posted by: Sue | January 9, 2012 4:52 PM
I was so blessed by this, especially the last three paragraphs - pure gold! I love to read the writings of older, more experienced mothers with larger-than-average families. It helps fill a void in my life. My husband and I were not raised in Christian homes and the older ladies (wonderful people) in our church were mostly career women and had small families.
We had our first "reversal baby" (our fourth child) three months ago and he has been such a source of joy for our whole family!
Posted by: Amy | January 10, 2012 4:19 PM
